Apprentice
by not-impressed
Summary: A twelve year old Lawliet becomes Yagami Raito's apprentice in hopes to learn the workmanship of being a yakuza. As time passes Lawliet learns more and more things about his mentor and himself. L's POV. Complete and utter AU.
1. I

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note and any of its characters. All rights go to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.**

******I**

I was born in the family of a man, who was yakuza clan's leader, and a woman, who tried to stay as far away from the criminal world as it was possible, given the circumstances. My mother was terrified with father's business, but knew she couldn't do anything with it. What she could do, as she thought, was to save me from that world.

We used to live in father's mansion on a seashore in Osaka. I was raised as a normal child, or at least mom tried her hardest to make me feel normal. Normal, like all of the boys my age.

I was only 12 years old when I saw him for the first time. Tall, fit, strong – he was spellbinding from the very first sight. The bangs of his auburn hair were almost covering his eyes, but one could still see playful sparkles that were shimmering in the caramel-colored irises.

I ran out on the porch to look at my father's guest. That was the first time we met. Yagami Raito was the first yakuza oyabun* who I met face to face, well, with the exception of my father. That moment I didn't bother to pay attention to his torn to shreds and soaking wet garments – even while wearing them he held himself proud and didn't show a sign of weakness.

* * *

___[*oyabun] - Head of a Yakuza family, basically a Japanese counterpart to a don (head of Italian/Sicilian mafia)._

* * *

From bits and pieces of conversation, I learned that he only just managed to ran away from a gang that had captured him on a yacht he had been sailing at with a small group of his people. None of the crew survived and the yacht had gotten blown up and sunken too quickly. It was a good thing that the happenings had been taking a place not too far from the land and Yagami had had a chance to swim his way to the shore.

Father met him cordially, like an old friend. He dragged the unbidden guest into our house and immediately told my mother to take care of clothes and supper for Raito. All that time I was watching him. Just couldn't tear my eyes off. Yagami, when he noticed my staring, smiled and winked at me. Because of that I, for some reason, turned very red and fled into my room, accompanied by his laughter.

It didn't seem to be my fate to sit there for long. Soon enough my mother called out to me for supper. I was feeling, to put it mildly, awkward to show up again, because my earlier behavior towards Yagami could only be referred to as "strange". I was afraid that he would think something weird of me. When I came down and quietly sat at the table, my agitation reached its peak. Because while answering to my mother's question, yakuza was at the same time scrutinizing me very carefully. His gaze was embarrassing me more with each passing second, but I couldn't really go anywhere. That's why I chose to simply stare at my absolutely empty plate while melting from the greatest of confusions under that gaze.

"Akio-san, have you already thought of giving your boy to the forces?" Raito asked my father out of nowhere, finally taking his eyes away from me. I jerked upon hearing such unexpected question and looked up at him with wide open eyes.

"What forces, Raito. Police? Army?" dad smirked, taking a sip of wine from his glass.

"Funny. I'm talking about yakuza family."

My eyes widened even more, and my mother dropped her plate that hit the table with a loud thud.

"Hell no, Raito!" she exclaimed, indignant. "Lawliet won't be yakuza, I had enough with his father being one."

"But he is the son of the head of yakuza, even if Akio decided to keep aloof from business. And then again, what will he do with his life anyway? Somehow, I don't think he wants to become a lawyer or some other office plankton. And I am in need of new people," Raito replied calmly, glancing at me every now and then.

"Personally I'm not against the idea of Lawliet becoming a yakuza," my father uttered after a minute of silence. "I've hoped that he would follow my steps. But before I agree, I lay down the only condition: you, Raito, must be his mentor."

"Akio!" mother exclaimed, but father hushed her with a simple gesture of his hand.

I looked at my dad with despair. At that moment I felt torn by a great battle between unearthly bliss and hopelessness inside of me. I did want for such a man to become my tutor, my mentor. But on the other side... I got morbid just upon thinking that I wouldn't cope. I was terribly scared that I would fail in Yagami's eyes, even though I knew close to nothing about the man. Of course, father had told me about him. And the only thing I'd learned was that Yagami was a valiant man who had no match. But even that smallest bit of information was enough for him to become an authority for me.

"I'm not against teaching your son everything I know," Raito smiled kindly and turned to look at me. "And what's your opinion on the matter?"

At first I didn't even realize that the question was actually addressed to me. It dawned on me only when I got aware of Raito's questioning look. And I was only able to nod my head awkwardly, because for some reason my throat suddenly got very dry. Raito's smile widened.

"Lawliet! ___What_ are you thinking? I won't let you go anywhere!" my mother's voice sounded again, full of anger.

"Calm down, dear. He is a big boy, it won't do good for him if he keeps sitting in his room before a computer. Time for him to man up," father said with reconciling notes, smiling at me, quite pleased. And I once again didn't know what to do with myself...

"He's only twelve, Akio!___Twelve_."

"That's a great age," Raito supported my father. "When I was his age, I..."

"Don't you compare my son to yourself, Yagami," mother cut him off mid-sentence. "You had absolutely different childhood."

"Then why not make his childhood resemble mine, Daliah? Before it's too late. I'll vouch for your son with my life, I guarantee you that I shall stay up for him. He can't spend his whole life here."

"Yes, he can!"

"No, dear. I didn't know a thing about the world till I was sixteen. Let him taste the life," father said.

"But what about school? He can't simply leave everything!" mother continued to fume.

"I am sure Raito will take care of that question as well," dad glanced over at the young oyabun.

"The next six months or so, I will be busy with searching and dealing with the scum that got me today. As I've said, I also need to find new people for the family and that might take awhile. I'm saying this just so you know I won't be taking him anywhere tomorrow. But when I will come back, be ready to hand your son over into my charge," with these words Yagami turned his head and winked at me again. I choked on tea.

"I sincerely hope that after six months you'll forget about this crazy idea of yours and won't come for him," my mother said grudgingly and walked out of the room. "Clean up after you're done, I got laundry to deal with."

My father and Yagami held up their glasses and drained them, toasting to me. I was left to sit there quietly, clutching at my cup of tea so tightly that my knuckles gone white, and silently cheering, knowing that my life was going to change drastically after just a half of year.

******Six months later**

That morning it was not a steady roar of the ocean or birds' chirping that woke me up. I heard people's voices coming from the seafront nearby, saying "This one must cost hundreds of thousands!", "Who are these guys? Bandits?", "Hush, if they are bandits, don't let them know that we know about them".

I hastily darted off my bed and rushed towards the window. Flinging it open, the first thing I saw was a big schooner with snow-white sails. It looked so odd and proud among modern motorboats and cutters, almost as if it'd sailed here straight from a fairytale. One glance at the schooner was enough for me to understand who was ought to be on board.

Hurriedly, I ducked under my bed and dragged out a small bag with clothes and few other personal things in it. I'd prepared it long ago, right after the day I had been given a hope to change my life. And even though I'd known the chance was feeble, still I'd hoped that Yagami hadn't lied when promising to come for me.

Yes, all this time I had been counting the days till Yagami Raito's arrival. I' been anxiously awaiting for this moment and it finally came. At long last.

After putting on my sneakers, I rushed out of the house and into the yard, trying to catch up with my father who already was heading towards the seafront.

"Oh, Lawliet, you're here. And I wanted to call for you later," he smiled, ruffling my already mussed hair. "You can't wait, can you?"

I smiled happily and nodded my head.

"Oi, Akio!"

Father looked towards the side the cry came from and waved his hand. Yagami grabbed a rope, pushed off the side of the schooner and landed adroitly right before us. I almost gasped and looked up at the young yakuza's face with admiration.

He'd changed after those six months. His hair now wasn't as long as I remembered it. On his face I noticed two scars – one across the bridge of his nose, and one down his chin. He was dressed in white shirt and black slacks, on his belt I noticed holsters for guns, and beneath the sleeves of his shirt I caught a glimpse of something that looked like bracers. Maybe those were some kind of a hidden weapon, I could only imagine. To say that in that particular moment I was rapturous toward Yagami wasn't enough. That moment I saw in him not just a brave yakuza who survived his enemies' attack: before me stood a real head of a clan, firm of purpose and sure of himself. Ideal mentor and commander.

"Raito! What the hell with this pompous arrival?" father asked, taking a good look at the schooner.

"And what's not to your liking? I think it looks rather elegant," he answered, taking a proud look at the almost-ship. "Plus I have to take care of a small affair in the sea before I can take your son to his new home. Nothing too serious, don't worry."

With these words he looked at me and smiled. It'd been a long time since I'd last seen that gaze and I'd already forgotten how it used to embarrass me. But Yagami gave me the opportunity to remember everything.

"Are you ready, Lawliet?" he asked me, placing his hand on my shoulder. I got taken aback and nodded my head, rather confused. "Relax, boy. No one's going to hurt you."

"I relay on you to make a man out of my son, Yagami," father said in a rather threatening tone.

"He will become a legend, I promise you this."

"Lawliet!"

I turned to look towards where the cry came from and saw my mother, who was running up to me.

"Lawliet, dear, perhaps you will change your mind? Being a yaku... being like Raito is not a joke, you have no idea what kind of risk and danger you're willingly putting yourself under..." she jabbered nervously, clasping my hand.

"Mom, I made up my mind long ago," I told her in a confident but for some reason quiet voice.

"Finally," Raito smiled crookedly. "I was beginning to think you were mute."

"I'm not," I mumbled, hanging my head.

"Lawliet..."

"Daliah, don't," father tried to pull mom off me. She tore herself away from his hands and pointed a kitchen knife, that she pulled out of nowhere, at Raito's throat.

"God forbid something happens to him. I've heard enough of your irresponsibility, selfishness and love for danger. My child must be safe and sound whatever happens. If I ever learn something's wrong with Lawliet, I will find you wherever you might be and I'll end your life then and there, got it?"

I, my father and Raito watched her in surprise and fear. The latter was barely breathing at this point.

"Darling..." my father began cautiously.

"Your answer, Yagami," she ignored him.

"Got it," he uttered and let out a sigh of relief as soon as the knife's blade was at a safe distance away from his throat.

"Boss, we don't have much time!" someone yelled from the schooner. Yagami nodded his head and looked at me.

"We have to go."

I turned to my parents. Mother, wiping away a tear that rolled down her cheek, hugged me tightly.

"Be wise, dear. You are all I have," she wanted to say more but couldn't because of the tears that welled in her eyes.

"I won't disappoint you, mom. You and father will be proud of me," I said, taking mother's hand and wrapping my fingers around it tightly.

"May gods protect you, Lawliet..."

I awkwardly pulled away from mother's embrace and turned to my father.

"Make me proud, son. I'm sure you have it in you to make a great man. Trust me, you won't find a mentor better than Yagami. Whatever he tells you – don't ever doubt his words, implicitly obey any of his orders. And you'll score a big success," father smiled and tapped me on the shoulder. "Raito."

Young oyabun turned to look at him.

"Do not fail."

Raito gave a short nod and gingerly pulled me closer to him.

"Boss!" a cry was heard again.

"Coming!" he cried back and looked at me. "Ready?"

"Ready, boss," I pulled myself together and answered him firmly, bringing a pleased smile on his face.

"Then let's go."

With these words he turned and started walking towards the schooner. For the last time I hugged my parents and rushed after him. Before taking a step on board, I turned around to take a final look at my home. After waving to my parents, I made a step forward and finally stepped on board.

That's how everything began.

* * *

A/N: Well, here's the first chapter, hope you enjoyed reading it. I felt a little bored with Death Note canon, so I had this idea and decided to give it a try c:


	2. II

** II**

"Welcome on board, lad," Yagami tapped me on the shoulder. "We can't do much about the initiation ceremony right now, but still you can count us your family from now on. Gentlemen!"

Hearing his call, all the people on board turned. And the first one they looked at wasn't their boss but me.

"Boss, who's that?" asked one of them, nodding his head my way.

"Let me introduce a new member of our family - Lawliet. He's the son of the previous clan leader, I'm sure you've heard of him."

The crew nodded, respect and approval on their faces.

"He asked me to take Lawliet as my apprentice and teach him about being one of us. Please, make him feel welcome," with these words Raito gently pushed me forward, so that I found myself right in the middle of a deck. Within a second I shrunk under the appraising eyes of the gang members.

"Yoroshiku onegaishimasu," I said timidly, bowing down.

"Yoroshiku," came a choir of voices in response. I looked up to see them bowing as well.

I stood there, completely at loss what to do next.

"That's enough, and please do try not to sound so strict. What if you scare this child and psych him out?" Yagami swiftly walked past his crew members to me, leading me then towards the stern.

After having walked up the stern of the schooner, I saw a dark-haired woman who stood there, propping her elbow on a steering wheel. It was strange enough for me to see a woman around so many men, not to mention who the men on this ship were. But she was there, and it was obvious that no one was going to throw her out.

"Raito," she immediately turned to Yagami. "The target's going to leave in fifteen minutes. We have to hurry up if we want to be there in time."

"Good," he nodded and looked at me. "Lawliet, this is Kiyomi Takada – my senior advisor. If I'm not around, you can always turn to her."

Upon hearing the woman's status, my eyes widened even more, and my mouth opened by itself which resulted in her laughing out loud. Barely hiding her smile, she walked up to me and stretched out her hand.

"Lawliet, I assume?"

"Yes, Takada-san," I nodded, shaking her elegant hand awkwardly.

"Welcome to the family. If you behave yourself, no one's going to cut off your fingers or your thi..."

"Kiyomi," Raito interrupted. "You'll give him the details later."

I looked at the woman, quite frightened, not really needing to guess what she was going to tell me. As I was going to ponder on what to do next, the stream of my thoughts got interrupted by an obscure kind of tension. Turning my head to the right, I saw the source of that feeling.

On the deck, propping his shoulder against a mast, stood a rather young man – he looked like he was in his early twenties. The cold glare of his brown eyes was practically boring a hole in me. He was twirling a dagger between his fingers, time and again running his thumb over the blade and not tearing his eyes off me for a second. I wanted to ask Raito about him, but for some reason I was scared to even do so much as move. It seemed as though at any given moment that dagger the guy was holding would fly at me and pierce my throat.

Suddenly the guy frowned and turned his back to me, briefly walking away and dissolving midst other bandits. I shuddered against my will and looked around in search of Raito.

He was standing by the helm, thoughtfully tapping his fingers on its surface.

"What do you think?" he asked Kiyomi who was standing at his side.

"Judging by the situation, it's unlikely the ship will get under attack. In case someone does try to assault, it won't be a surprise for us. We have enough people and arms. The ship we're going to track shouldn't be aware of us, so we better keep low. Now, we also don't want to bring attention of other forces. That's why I propose we choose a safe way and avoid the patrolled areas."

"You think it'd be better to go east? It will take us three days to accomplish our mission then. But if we go through the patrolled area, we'd be able to make it in just one day."

"We only can resist a moderate attack, Raito. If they notice us, we won't stay against them. Plus if we dump your idea of going with sails and actually turn on the electronic system, we might be able to make it in no more than two days."

"And what if they decide to patrol outside their areas?"

"This schooner has a powerful engine, we'll throw them off," Kiyomi shrugged her shoulders. "In our case it's best to be careful rather than reckless."

"You're right," Raito sighed, looking at the steering wheel in his hands. "Make preparations and let's get off."

It was soon that I heard a roar of the engine and the schooner casted off. Wind filled the sails, tossing them with each gust. I ran to the side of the schooner to look at the land that would soon enough hide itself from my view. A cool sea wind blew into my face, making me blink rapidly. The schooner was rocking from side to side on the waves, and I clutched at the nearest thing that turned out to be a rope.

"Getting the feel already?" Kiyomi smiled, walking over to me. "Are you not afraid of falling down?"

"I'm holding tightly," I told her proudly, feeling a wave of confidence that washed over me quite suddenly.

"Go ahead," she grinned in response. "Do you see that wave?"

I looked at where she was pointing and nodded.

"Keep watching it."

With these words she turned and walked back to Raito, leaving me to try and understand what she meant.

And I did catch the meaning of her words as soon as the schooner heeled and I fell down on the deck.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," I heard Kiyomi's playful voice.

Inwardly, I was praying that Raito hadn't seen me falling, but as I caught his eyes with lively sparkles playing in them, my confidence vanished into thin air, giving way to awkwardness.

I saw him nodding his head to Takada before he handed the place on a bridge over to her and walked up to me.

"Still alive?" he asked, looking at me with the same smiling eyes.

I could only nod to him in response.

"Well, you're not a talkative one, are you?" he let out a laugh. "I'm not sure if it's a bad or a good thing."

"It depends," I mumbled quietly, rubbing a bruise on my elbow.

"Let's go, I'll show you where you'll sleep."

After saying this he dragged me along with him. Raito talked a lot. An awful lot. And he began from afar – right from the moment the previous head of the clan made him his advisor. With each word that he spoke my admiration with this man only grew. Hearing from my father about the talented young man was one thing, but standing near him and listening to his story from himself was absolutely different experience.

The thing is it wasn't interesting just to listen to him – he accompanied his story with vivid facial expressions and his eyes were shining as though upon remembering he was reliving his past anew.

"...and when you were seven years old, your father decided to quit and I was quite surprised when he said he'd chosen me as his successor," he finished with a smile.

"This is fantastic, Yagami-dono," I blurted out, and added in a quiet voice. "And you are very brave and talented..."

"Eh?" he turned, giving me a bewildered look. "Your use of honorific is... quite peculiar."

"Is it not to your liking?" I asked, widening my eyes.

"No, but I'd honestly prefer it better if you called me 'aniki' instead," he shrugged and then smiled. "But let's go, I haven't showed you anything yet."

We walked down a narrow ladder that led to the bottom part of the schooner.

"As you might have already guessed this is the hold," Raito said, leisurely walking forward. "As far as I know here the ammunition is stored."

He caught my surprised stare and nodded.

"Yes. This is pretty much a battle ship. Don't ask me about how we are going to use it if it comes to that – I barely have any idea. Kiyomi used to be a lieutenant of maritime self-defense force before they kicked her out, and I rely on her with this. Seen the sailors above? Her work, she headhunted them and now they work for us. Don't get the wrong ideas – yakuza are not sailors."

I nodded my head, inwardly letting out a sigh of relief. When I'd heard of the possible naval clash, I'd thought all yakuza were ought to be talented in this kind of battle.

"Behind this door are the berths, you will sleep there," he pointed at the door at his right. Perhaps my face showed too much of my feelings because he then added: "Sorry, this is not a cruise liner, we don't have a separate room for everybody."

"I understand," I muttered, following him back on the deck, where he led me to a solid looking door.

"This is where you will find me if I'm not on the deck or in the hold. This is the captain's cabin, but since for now I'm technically the captain of this schooner, I'll stay here. Don't be afraid to come in, it will be no use to stand and wait for me outside."

"Yes, aniki-san."

"Good. Now go and make yourself comfortable. Tomorrow we'll start the trainings, I won't let you loaf about for long," he looked me in the eyes, serious.

"Yes, aniki-san."

"Oh, and try to choose a bed farther away from taken ones – some members of our family tend to be rather... cruel with newbies. Now go."

Nodding my head, I hurriedly went back to a hatch that led to the hold. Turning around, I once again glanced at Raito. He was discussing something with Kiyomi, grinning occasionally. Smiling against my will, I walked down the ladder and closed the hatch.

Rather quickly I found the berths, and as Raito told me, I picked a bed that was in the farthest corner. Hopping at it, I put my bag there and lay down, staring into a clean white ceiling. The schooner was swaying on the waves, and I was hearing the faint bustling of business above. That moment I was feeling rejoiced. This was the life I was dreaming about.

From my early childhood I had been trying to follow my father's footsteps, had tried to eavesdrop on his conversations and run away with him when he'd been leaving the house. But each time my affairs would end up with my mother catching and then scolding me. In my free time I'd tried practicing martial arts and dreamed that one day I would become the leader of a clan. In my mind I associated yakuza with samurai and honestly believed that what my father was doing wasn't a bad thing. I'd been dreaming that one day I would be the one in charge of thousands of men and would become a famous oyabun, and my father would be proud of me.

And then out of nowhere came Yagami Raito and welcomed me into the family, promising he would make a true yakuza out of me. Could it be that my dream was actually coming true? Perhaps one day he and I would be working together, fighting and scheming against our enemies.

Upon thinking of this the smile on my face grew wider. Still grinning happily, I fished my mobile phone out of the pocket of my jeans, deciding to spend some time playing games.

"Enjoying yourself?"

I jerked and looked around. It was rather dark in the holds but I saw a silhouette of a man sitting on a bed in the opposite corner. It didn't take long for me to recognize him when I noticed a dagger in his hands.

"Does _He_ know that you still have your cell phone? If I were you, I'd take a lifeboat and escape this place this very night," his voice was quiet and calm, but with each word he spoke, I felt more and more compelled with fright.

"W-why?" I asked, stuttering with agitation.

"Yagami Raito is insane. Only the strongest and the ones capable of great endurance will stay alive in his family. And you are still wet behind your ears, what's even here to talk about," the young man smiled wryly, tossing his dagger up and catching it the same second.

His words got me angry.

"You are not the one to judge," I snapped, frowning.

"Yagami won't just cut off your finger if he finds something he doesn't like in you. He'll kill you," yakuza ignored my words and stood up from his bed. "If I were you, I wouldn't try disappointing him, but it's a no-go in your case. Well, at least it will be fun to watch you struggle to survive here."

With these words the young man disappeared behind the door. And I was left to sit on my bed, clutching at my mobile phone and fighting against both fear and anger inside of me.


	3. III

** III**

The first morning that I met on the schooner wasn't a pleasant one. Firstly, I woke up on the floor with a bruise on my elbow. Secondly, it was very stuffy in the hold and the breath of the scores of men only made it worse. And thirdly, I didn't get to sleep well at night because I kept thinking about the words that strange man with a dagger had said to me.

Stumbling at my feet, I barely made it to the hatch, and then practically tumbled out on the deck, greedily breathing in the fresh air. I didn't make any attempts to stand up, and simply kept lying on the warm wooden planks. Then I heard Raito's voice somewhere not far from me. I looked up to see him talking on his cell phone with someone, probably he was giving orders to his people that were left in the city. Upon seeing him I immediately remembered his words about trainings, and barely stifled a groan.

"Bad morning, huh?" Raito's voice sounded right above me. Apparently he was already done talking on his phone.

Despite of the pitiful state of my body, I jumped to my feet and stood at attention. Boss was looking at me with half-a-smile on his face.

"You don't look particularly well," he slowly shook his head after he was done with examining me. "But don't raise your hopes up, that is no excuse to free you from your duties."

Now I couldn't suppress a disappointed sigh.

"You want to become successful? Work for it. And I already have a task for you."

"What kind of a task?" I asked him curiously, conjuring up some guesses. Maybe he would teach me how to shoot? Or how to fight?

But when he led to me to the kitchen area where I came face to face with piles of dirty dishes, all of my hopes went down the drain.

"I don't think I have to elaborate with your task, do I? You're a smart guy, I'm sure you know what to do," he smiled at me amiably. When I saw that smile, I felt my disappointment vanishing, if only for a moment. But as soon as Raito was gone, despair got me into its clutches once again.

This wasn't what I'd been dreaming about. What kind of yakuza practices included washing the dishes anyway? I wasn't a housewife in training, was I? I could bet Raito himself never had to deal with dirty plates...

Sighing deeply, I put on rubber gloves and looked at a large bucket of water. What a pity there couldn't be a faucet on a ship. Still hesitating, I took a sponge into my hand, squeezed out a chunk of dishwashing gel on it and lazily began to rub it against the plates.

"If you don't make any efforts, you're going to do fifty push-ups," I heard Raito's cheerful voice behind my back. I flinched and turned to stare at him. "And if you do make an effort, thirty would be enough."

I could only stare back at him in shock.

"What did you expect? Without exercises you won't be able to even hold a gun in your hand for more than half a minute. Now work."

I perfectly well understood that he was right, and that I would have to do some exercises sooner or later. But I really didn't think that on my first day he'd make me swab dishes and then order me to do the push-ups. My hands were sure to turn into a painful mess in the evening.

The more people were leaving the dining area, the bigger the piles of plates grew. Kiyomi soon walked past me, waving her hand and smiling, looking pleased. Upon seeing her contented face, I felt even worse. The only good thing was that I haven't yet met with that dagger guy. Speaking of which, it wouldn't be a bad idea to learn his name.

I don't remember how much time I spent cleaning up all the mess, but after some good amount of time, I pulled off the gloves and tossed the sponge on a desk. I've never thought the dishwashing was such a tough work. Mother made it seem so easy...

When I shuffled back on the deck, I proceeded to lay down on one of the benches there, closing my eyes and enjoying the warm sun and fresh air.

"Already done with the push-ups?" Raito was standing above me, his hands crossed on his chest.

"No, boss."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

I hesitated for a second before glancing up at him.

"Should I do it right here?"

"Do you see a gym? I don't. Work."

I slipped down the bench on the floor where I proceeded to lay prone, with my hands positioned to perform the exercise. Arms were already starting to tremble, and the thought that I was supposed to make thirty push-ups didn't give me any strength at all.

Clenching my teeth, I slowly lowered my body, trying my hardest not to fall face first. One, two, five, ten... On the thirteen push-up my hands were literally ready to fall off.

"Do twenty, this much should be enough for now," Raito sighed, taking pity on me.

I let out a sigh of relief, happy to know I'd have to do seven instead of seventeen more.

As soon as I did the last push-up, I collapsed in a sweaty heap on the floor, my hands were still trembling and aching as hell. I was breathing heavily, trying to even my heartbeat. Raito crouched beside me.

"Nothing will be too easy, you know this. For starters get yourself mentally prepared. Take a breather for a while, and then we'll continue," his hand ruffled my hair, then he stood up and went away. And I, for some reason, felt my face flush.

"How weird. He let you live."

I didn't even have to guess who that voice belonged to. Clenching my teeth, I tried not to fall for his provocation and waited for the young man to go away. However, he obviously wasn't in a hurry.

"What are you? Already feeling all beaten up?" his derisive voice went on.

"Leave me alone," I snapped, standing up on my feet.

"Whoa, look at how saucy we are," his thin lips curved into a grin. That very grin became the last straw for me.

Within a second I came face to face with him, grabbing the collar of his shirt. The difference in our heights didn't scare me – he was a little less than a head taller than me. Young man's face was dangerously close to mine, and the look in his eyes was full of surprise.

"One more sound out of you, and _I_ won't let you live," I hissed softly and pushed him off me with all my strength, so that he almost fell on his back. Giving him a contemptuous look, I pointedly turned around and headed in the direction of Yagami to take a new task from him.

As soon as I came close to him, I noticed a pleased smile on his face and just as pleased look that he was giving me.

"Nice job with bringing Teru to his level," he said, smiling all the while.

"Who?" I asked, widening my eyes.

"Mikami Teru – the youngest one in the family, with the exception of you, of course. He's only sixteen," Raito explained, glancing at the navigator to check how far away we were from the ship we were tracking. Apparently pleased with the information he got, he nodded to Kiyomi and the boat made a harsh turn. I could barely keep my balance and had to grip onto the railings.

"He's sixteen?" I asked, surprised. "I thought he was twenty or something."

"No. And it hasn't been long since his sixteenth birthday, so he's not much older than you. Quite a cheeky guy, it took a long time for him to grasp what it means to be a part of the family. Because of his lousy personality he got himself into quite a mess with other guys. They went as far as demanding my permission to kill him for disobedience."

"That's why he's so sure the only punishment is death," I muttered.

"It's kind of a trauma for him," the oyabun smirked. "However, a few months ago he saved the lives of my people in one of our ventures by single-handedly resisting the attack of an adverse syndicate. After that deed family members accepted him as a worthy brother, and for now they are putting up with his temper. I can only hope he won't do anything stupid again. I doubt he wants another of his phalanges cut off."

"But what have I ever done to him? It can't be that he dislikes me just because of how mean he is."

Raito took a good look at me before facing away to watch the waves.

"He sees a rival in you, and that in itself is quite normal," he said calmly after a pause. "You're only four years younger than he, but you are nothing more than a child right now. Just as he is. Family welcomed you with respect, which is appropriate considering that you are the previous oyabun's son. He, on the contrary, got constantly despised. You have a mentor – Teru had no one to teach him. Everything that he knows, he learned himself. Your mentor is me, and that means a lot - you won't find another active clan leader who teaches a child that's not his own. At the current point in time family is pleased with Teru, yes. But you have great chances to surpass him, and he fears this. He fears that you will send him back in the time when he was being humiliated and unacknowledged by the family. I think this is the sole reason of his attitude towards you. But don't take it close to heart, he's always been hostile to pretty much everyone."

"But what should I do? How can I stifle this hatred in him?" I really didn't want any enemies among the family members.

"Truth be told, I do not know. I try not to meddle in Mikami's business. You should deal with this problem yourself. But I tell you what – when I train you to be a yakuza, you sure as hell will be able to prove that he has no right to underestimate you. Already you're making great strides, I saw what happened between two of you earlier. And know what? I'm impressed."

Embarrassment washed over me in one giant uncontrollable wave. I suddenly started to wish the earth... or rather the sea would swallow me up.

"I didn't think you'd be able to repulse him right away. This will make him reconsider his opinion on you. Because in order to quiet Mikami down, you should either have a higher rank or prove yourself through a fight. Otherwise you'll be forced to endure his sneers until the fate brings two of you apart. Got it?"

"Got it, boss."

"Now go down into the hold, find spare jibs there and wash them. With your hands, of course," Raito changed the topic abruptly.

"...What are the jibs?"

"There," he pointed at the sails near the prow. I let out a heavy sigh which brought a nearly sadistic smile on Raito's face.

"Yes, aniki-san," I replied him in a sluggish voice and reluctantly dragged myself over the hatch.

"More enthusiasm, please," his peppy voice sounded behind my back. I muttered something unintelligible to him in form of response.

"Lawliet!"

I stopped and turned to face Raito, looking at him, doomed.

"Twenty five push-ups after you're done!"

This man really wanted to kill me.


	4. IV

**IV**

Washing the sails turned out to be an even tougher task than washing the dishes. It was a special kind of a torture for two reasons. Firstly, even though jibs weren't the largest compared to other sails, they still were pretty large and heavy, and got even heavier when I soaked them in water. And secondly, I had no idea how to go about washing them. Surely, once or twice before, I'd had to get rid of some stains on clothes myself, so I did have a remote conception of the washing process. But washing a t-shirt was a completely different thing from washing jibs.

By the time I finished laundering, which happened several hours after I'd started the process, my fingers felt numb from the cold water and hurt from the friction against the coarse tissue. I was going to head back into the berths and slump there down on my bed, when I remembered about another task Yagami gave me – the push-ups. To be honest I was already getting quite sick of them. My hands were aching so badly after the washing and exercises from before, that I was on the verge of pathetic sobbing. I forced myself to cheer up, keeping in mind that I, in fact, needed all those tasks. I couldn't afford having weak hands, I needed them to be strong so that I could hold guns, fight in a melee, combat with cold steel, swim, climb and so on.

With these thoughts I proceeded to lay prone and start the exercise. Hands were shaking and almost cramping, but I had to do all the twenty five push-ups. Otherwise, Raito would kill me, really.

After I was done with the exercises, I dragged myself out on the deck, screwing up my eyes from the bright sun, getting used to light after the darkness of the hold.

"How's it going?" Kiyomi asked me in a soft voice, watching me as I was rubbing my forearms.

"I'm alright," I nodded shortly, trying to hide my tiredness from her.

"Poor boy," she sighed, looking at me with some kind of pity. "Raito will not give you a respite. You are the first kid that's ever been given to him to train, and he takes this task too seriously, with all of his responsibility, even though he barely has one. You don't know him yet, but trust me, Yagami's definitely not a prize. That's why if that psycho gets trashed or flies off the handle, come to me. You don't want to be near him in the heat of the moment, but I can calm him down. And remember - never interfere with his affairs. If he acts like a madman, then that's what needs to be done. Don't ever argue with him or tell him that what he does is not right. He's not once mistaken before, and any of his decisions is correct."

I wanted to answer her but somebody's hands pushed us so harshly that both of us fell on the ground.

"Raito, what the hell are you doing?!" Kiyomi's voice was filled with indignation. But then something whizzed by in the air, just for a nanosecond. Her question didn't need to be answered anymore. I watched as Raito rushed to stand on the bridge, taking the helm in his hands and steering it hurriedly. The schooner careened on its right, and something that looked like a bomb fell into the water, right beside the board of our schooner.

"Everyone, take up positions!" he cried out, simultaneously pressing some buttons on a control panel. The roar of the engine nearly deafened me as our ship darted forward so quickly that I barely kept my balance. Behind the schooner I saw a big splash that created high waves running from its epicenter.

"Why are we going on the full speed? We need maneuverability, not speed!" Kiyomi yelled at Raito, running up to him.

"Don't argue, I know what I'm doing!" he tried to shout down the wind and gun shots.

"It's harder to steer if we go so fast! Trust me, I know what I'm talking about!" she kept trying to persuade him.

"Watch me," Raito told her simply. Kiyomi gave up as lost seeing that it was useless to keep arguing with him.

I listened to them talking and kept wondering at the woman's persistence. Hadn't she just been telling me there was no point in arguing with Raito?

"You are no use!" I heard her shouting when the craft once again got pushed aside. I tightly gripped onto the railings, trying hardest not to fall down.

"Missiles, boss!" one of yakuza yelled.

"Damn..."

"What now? How are you going to escape missiles?!" Kiyomi fumed, and just as she was going to give out the order to prepare lifeboats, Raito interrupted her.

"Keep shooting!" he shouted to the crew. "Takada, let's send them our gift!"

"Raito, you won't run away from them, god damn you! If we fire back it would make things worse!"

"Wanna bet?" he smirked, steering the helm once again. The missile flew inches past our boat. "It's indeed harder to steer when we go at such speed, but we have no chances to make it if we're not using our advantages, do you understand?"

Kiyomi glared at him one last time and turned to give the crew an order to prepare arms.

At that point I was barely grasping at the railings, as the strength was slowly leaving my hands. Each passing second made it harder for me to even stand straight. With another harsh bump I was brought down and fell onto the deck. Collecting my strength, I tried to stand up but another harsh and abrupt turn of the boat didn't let me do that, and I stumbled back. I was so angry at my own helplessness. The fact I couldn't do anything that moment was hurting me, and I made an effort to stand up again but couldn't even get on my knees. Sо I put my arms around the mast, closed my eyes tightly, and waited for that hell to end.

The chaos was reigning around me. Yakuza's shouts were mixing with the noise of the waves and wind, gunshots sounded like thunder, and masts were creaking under the strong wind. Waves were rising above the boards and occasionally washed over my body. I don't remember how long all of that lasted. But the battle ended when I felt the floor underneath me shake and it seemed as though the whole schooner jumped. Then came a deafening sound of a salvo.

"Straight into the aim!" someone howled. I kept lying with my eyes closed, and then another voice screamed.

"Boss, it seems that the storm's begun!"

"Quickly, furl the sails! Raito, lower the speed!" Kiyomi shouted.

The ship was getting tossed from side to side relentlessly, and the waves were getting bigger and stronger. Because of the water that kept spurting right into my face, I couldn't see anything, so there was no point in trying to open my eyes. I just squeezed the mast harder and tried not to let go of it. Otherwise, I'd have gotten thrown into the sea next moment I'd soften my grip.

"Lawliet!"

I didn't even know who shouted that. Because of the noise and chaos going on around, I didn't understand anything. The world around me narrowed to the mast that I was holding onto and that was my only escape from a certain death.

But soon even it could do nothing to help me – strength finally left me, and I let go of it, falling into the void.

* * *

I woke up from a sharp pain that run throughout my whole body. The room I was in seemed unfamiliar to me, but by the slight rocking movements, I realized that I still was on a ship. But with the fact that the room wasn't the one I knew, I couldn't say with certainty that it was the same ship I lost my consciousness on.

I sat abruptly, hissed from a severe attack of pain, and immediately slumped back down on a bed. In that position I tried to explore the room I was in. Plain white walls, wooden floor and nothing of particular interest around. I wanted to panic, thinking that perhaps we didn't make it through, and got captured by the men we fought with.

Then a door creaked quietly and I saw Kiyomi peeking inside. She looked at me to ensure that I was conscious, and came closer, carefully taking a seat on the bed next to me.

"Finally you're awake, we've already started to worry. How are you feeling? Are you hurt?" she asked me, concerned, and lowered her hand to feel my forehead. "You don't look well."

I could only nod my head in response, as my throat was too dry and the pain refused to leave me be.

"I'll get you some water and something to eat. Just don't die," with these words she left the cabin.

"How is he?" I heard a muffled voice from behind the door. Apparently, it belonged to Yagami.

"Raito, you're supposed to be taking the helm!" Kiyomi yelped. I flinched involuntary.

"Quiet down, everything's alright. I left it to work on autopilot. Actually, it was you who deigned to leave without warning," I heard sarcastic notes in his voice.

"Oh, come on," she hissed angrily. "He's awake, so I was going to get him some meal. That baby hasn't eaten anything in twenty four hours."

I got taken aback after hearing the term I'd spent unconscious.

"Alright, you do that. I'll go check on him."

"Just don't get hard on him, he's still very weak."

"Yes, yes, I won't do anything bad, mom."

I then heard a muffled slap and Raito's laugh. The door opened quietly, and the young yakuza went into the cabin. When he saw me, his eyes immediately obtained concerned look.

"You're alive here?" he asked me, sitting down beside me and putting his hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing it.

I just nodded my head slightly. Somehow, in this man's presence all my vocabulary was getting reduced to a primitive level. All the right words I could say were getting lost. And at that time my condition had nothing to do with it.

"We're done with our mission, and now we're finally heading home. Everyone's already getting sick from being on this boat. And I nearly died from worry while you were lying here, taking your siesta. You got pretty badly battered during the storm. But you did well with holding on for so long. But don't you ever, _ever_ make me go through this again, do you hear me? Yes, I'm the one at fault for not hiding you from that nightmare in time... As soon as they started shooting, I should have taken you into the hold, but instead I was only thinking about getting those bastards down. And when the storm began, I almost lost you..."

It was the first time I saw Yagami so depressed. He looked so worried... And it all was because of me. I didn't know whether to be glad or to blame myself for having been helpless.

"Boss..." I called him softly. "I'm fine, honestly. Give me a little more time, and I'll be ready to fulfill any of your orders."

"I like your attitude, boy," a faint smile stretched his lips. "I'll give you as much time as you need for the full recovery. For the time being, you can forget about any of my instructions. Although..."

"What is it?.."

"I have a task for you right now."

After these words I felt more than a little uneasy.

"Get well, Lawliet. That's an order," he smiled and ruffled my hair. Upon seeing his warm smile and closing my eyes in pleasure at his almost habitual gesture, everything turned upside down inside of me from the warmth that man had given me within a few seconds.

"Yes, boss," I replied firmly. He nodded and headed to the cabin's door. At the doorway he almost bumped into Kiyomi, but let her go ahead and went out afterwards.

"Already looking better, Lawliet," Kiyomi said happily, putting a tray with fruits and a bottle of water on a table. She then came closer and smiled at me. "What did that beast do to you? Spill."

"Nothing," I laughed when she squeezed my cheek and helped me to sit down.

"Don't lie," she grinned and put the tray on my laps. "What did he say?"

"He gave me an order," I replied, grabbing the bottle of water and making a couple of greedy gulps.

"An order? Has he gone completely crazy?" the senior advisor looked taken aback.

"He ordered me to get better," I smiled, watching her reaction.

"Oh, okay then... And I was going to give it him in the neck. If he dares to offend you in some way – you report me. I'll cut him down to size."

"Alright," I laughed again.

"Good. Now rest and I'm going back to our boss. Otherwise he'll once again get outraged with me getting lost somewhere and not performing my duties," Kiyomi grumbled and rose from the bed. "Try to approach to his order with maximum diligence and execute it with distinction, got it? That's my task for you."

"Your desire is my command."

Kiyomi smiled at me again and left the room, closing the door behind her.

"Trying to evade your duties again, Takada?"

"Oh, come on, Raito! That's not funny anymore."

It seemed these people were really becoming a family to me.


	5. V

** V**

The rest of the way home I spent in the captain's cabin. Raito kept me company, sometimes talking to me, but much often sitting silently at a desk, tapping away at his laptop. From time to time I went out on the deck to do some exercises. Not to say that I was in the right shape for trainings, but I felt like I had to do them. After all, if I wanted to achieve something – I had to work for that.

I'd never before been to Tokyo. To be honest, it was my mother who had kept me away from the city. As far as I was aware, all of father's business had been happening there, and most of his time he'd spent there and not in Osaka. And so, just as I saw the hazy silhouettes of tall buildings from afar, I rushed to the side of the boat to take a better look at the coast of the city.

"Ever been there?" Sugimoto Nobu asked me. He was one of the men with whom I had become friends. Nobu was forty seven years old, but he didn't lose shape. His face was veiled with many scars that indicated how many years he spent in yakuza family. His main attributes were golden earrings and black armband without which he didn't appear anywhere. But most of all I liked the huge number of tattoos he had on his body. He showed them to me and explained the meaning they had. Each of the tattoo had its own story, namely a certain memorable period in Nobu's life. I remember how I was wondering if Raito had any tattoos at all, because he never wore short-sleeved shirts and I've never seen him shirtless. But surely, he had to have at least one, right?

"No, I didn't have a chance," I said, peeking at a giant ship which stood near the harbour.

"Your father used to love this place."

"Did you know him well?" I asked, a little surprised.

"Well... We weren't close acquainted with each other. You see, the previous boss was much less socially active than the present one. He rarely talked to someone aside from his senior advisor," Nobu said, leaning on the board.

"Was that a bad thing?"

"No, that was how it needed to be done. Yagami is different from other clan heads, he tries to keep as much people close to him as he possibly can. And not only that, his methods contradict some of yakuza principles. Needless to say, others deem him insolent and want to teach him a good lesson."

"Does that mean that what he's doing isn't right?" I was perplexed.

"I can't say I know the right answer to your question. But in my opinion, he differs so much from others because he's so young and he still tries to prove that he deserves to be the leader. And you know what? He's doing good job and brings fresh ideas, so I won't complain. Your father did the right thing with making him the oyabun, even if everyone thought it was crazy."

"Moorage!" Kiyomi cried out.

Nobu glanced at me and winked.

"Looks like it's time to pack your things, boy. Come on, snatch you bag."

I nodded with a smile and hurriedly ran to the hatch to grab my belongings. When I stepped out on the deck once again, everyone was already leaving the ship, so I rushed to follow their example.

"Well," Raito approached me once I was standing on the quay. "Time to show you the best people of this city, Lawliet."

"Raito," frowning, Kiyomi came up to us. "Do you really have to do that right now?"

"And what's wrong?"

"If you forgot, we need to take care of those guys that attacked us. And if you go to catch up with 'your people', I doubt you'll remember anything about the task you have to give our people."

"But I can ask you about a favor, right?" Raito said softly, coming closer to her and putting his arms around her waist.

"I'm already having an impression that you're drunk," Kiyomi tried to push him away, but he persisted holding her in his arms. "If you don't let go of me right now, I'll send you flying into the water. I'm not kidding."

"Threats, threats," Yagami smirked but pulled back. "So, will you fulfill my request, shauntie?"

"Fuck you," she snapped and angrily started walking towards a big black car that was seemingly waiting for her on the road not too far away.

"Good girl!" Raito cried after her, and in response his senior advisor raised her hand up, middle finger extended.

"Let's go, kiddo. Our mommy will take care of everything and join us soon."

With these words he pulled me along the coast, towards another car. I was embarrassed after witnessing the scene on the quay, but tried not to show it. Anyway, that was the least that yakuza could allow themselves. I couldn't even imagine how much I'd have to see tonight. Because judging by Kiyomi's words, Raito preferred to work hard and play even harder.

We were riding through the city. It was already past twilight, and dusk descended onto the streets which were colorfully illuminated with signboards, street lamps and headlights of passing cars. All the time we spent on our way, I gawked out of the window. Sooner or later we arrived to a tall building. Raito led me inside it and then into the elevator. When the doors slid open I saw premises that appeared to be a lounge. Jazz music was spilling out of speakers on the walls, mixing with low hum of voices. There were not many people in the lounge, so I had a chance to curiously examine their sophisticated, elegant looks before diverting my attention to big windows that revealed a breathtaking view of the city.

Soon, we came to a table at which two men in office suits sat. But judging by their appearance, I could tell they were Raito's "colleagues". They didn't seem to notice us as we approached, and kept talking to each other in a low voice, simultaneously draining their glasses.

"Damn you, for having fun without me!" Raito exclaimed, unable to restrain a smile at the sight of his friends.

"Well would you look at that! Yagami!" said one of the men with long black hair.

"Namikawa! Midou! Long time no see, eh?"

"Come here, you numbskull," laughed the other man, his glasses gleaming in the dim light.

I hadn't got a chance to see Raito so happy before. Obviously, it'd been a really long time since he'd last seen his friends, so excited he appeared to be at that moment. I watched as the men stood up to shake Raito's hand and hug him in form of greeting.

"By the way, I'd like to introduce you to someone," Raito announced, brushing a stray lock off his eyes, as the welcome procedure was over. Immediately, I literally rooted to the floor, afraid to move.

"And who's this young man?" Midou asked.

"This is Lawliet, my apprentice," with these words Yagami grabbed me by the sleeve and pulled me closer.

"Lawliet? By any chance, isn't he Akio-san's relative? I remember him mentioning this name once or twice," Midou furrowed his eyebrows in contemplation.

"That's his son, you dumbass," Namikawa laughed.

"I didn't know he had a son."

"Then let me tell you more: he's also married," Namikawa's laughter grew louder.

"Get lost, Reiji," Midou chuckled, then turned to me to bow and stretch out his hand. "I am Midou Shingo. Pleased to meet you, Lawliet."

I hurriedly bowed down.

"Pleased to meet you, Midou-dono. It's a great honor for..."

"Oh, come now. Skip the useless formalities. You'll salute to this bastard over there," Shingo nodded toward Yagami.

I smiled, nervously glancing at Raito.

"Namikawa Reiji," the other man said, bowing and then stretching out his hand to me.

"Pleased to meet you," I muttered, bowing and shaking his hand as well. Charisma was emanating from him in such a huge wave, that I was embarrassed to be around.

Just like with Yagami.

"Okay now, let's take our seats," Raito started to push us towards the table.

"And why all of a sudden did you decide to become a wet nurse?" Namikawa asked Raito after we all were at the table.

"Well, you see, I took a liking to this guy. Thought that he would make a great family member," Raito winked at me. I wished I hadn't seen that...

"Why Akio-san didn't train the kiddo himself? He's the father, after all," Midou asked in a surprised voice, taking a sip from his glass.

"Daliah wouldn't cut him loose."

"Typical Daliah," Namikawa grinned. "Where's your girl, by the way?"

"What girl?"

"Takada. I didn't expect you'd take a woman in your family. Clan is no place for those witches, Raito. You won't last long with them."

"I thought so too. But you know her."

"She's a good woman, that's true. But still, the family is not a place for women. All of them are bitches. Just wait and you'll see how she gets you into a trouble."

"Stereotypes, my friend. Stupid and shallow stereotypes," Yagami shook his head, slowly but surely getting tipsy.

"The only thing women are suitable for is..."

"And what that thing could be?" Kiyomi's voice was heard. All three were startled. She walked past Namikawa with imposing gait, and sat opposite him and next to me. "Enlighten me, please."

"Sex, my dear," he calmly replied.

"Oh, is that so? And you, men, are suitable for everything, huh? You are omnipotent?" Kiyomi smiled.

"Do you want to bet?"

Rising from her seat next to me, she slowly walked up to the man and hovered over him.

"Hold your drunk tongue, Namikawa," she said softly, slowly running a finger down his cheek. "You don't want troubles."

"Can you give me troubles?" Reiji asked, reaching for her hand. But a gun she aimed at his forehead didn't allow him to finish the job.

"Without any effort," Kiyomi replied coldly, and pulled away, taking her seat again. Namikawa laughed softly, looking at her.

"You're a nice chick, Kiyomi. Once again you've convinced me of this," he said, holding up his glass. "To you!"

"To Takada!" Midou and Yagami supported the toast, then all four of them made a couple of sips of booze.

I can't say I was feeling uncomfortable around them. Of course, I sat there with having nothing to do – both Raito and Kiyomi wouldn't let me drink – but I couldn't leave either. Didn't want to leave. I was listening to a drunken delirium of three men, I laughed with them at jokes. Watched as completely trashed Midou tried to find his glasses that he'd lost when trying to defeat Raito in hand-wrestling, while no less wasted Yagami and Namikawa bet ten fillips on who would beat the highest record at darts. Both of them lost, since both were already too drunk to even stand upright.

"Morons," Kiyomi smiled, watching as both Raito and Reiji, swearing and laughing at the same time, were trying to find a dart that fell on the floor. Meanwhile, Midou was still trying to find his glasses. But all of his efforts were doomed to failure. Therefore Shingo decided to shrug the matter off, and went back to the table.

"Beloved, pour me some more," he told Kiyomi, slumping on his chair.

"That's enough for you, Shingo."

"But darling!"

"No."

"Kiyomi-chan..."

"Go to hell."

"Takada..."

"Get out."

"Bitch," Midou whimpered, offended. Forgetting that he'd lost his glasses, he tried to fix the imaginary spectacles, but missed his aim and poked himself in the eye. "Fuck!"

I barely suppressed a laugh.

"Alright, boys, let's wrap it up!" Takada got up and picked up Midou's specs (that all the time were on the table), giving them to him.

"Yes, we'd love to," Yagami said in a thick voice while still crawling on the floor. "But... Not fucking likely. Oi, Reiji. Let's go out and find us girls, it's been a while since... Aw!"

Takada kicked him before he could finish the sentence.

"That was rough, Kiyomi."

"You won't obey otherwise," she replied, grabbing both Namikawa and Yagami by the scruff and pulling them up on their feet with difficulty.

They stood, leaning onto one another and giggling in a silly manner.

"My, you're just like babies," Takada rolled her eyes and pushed both of them toward the exit. Then she pulled Midou by the sleeve, dragging him to the elevator as well. "Lawliet."

"Yes?"

"You take Yagami, and I will lead this moron over here. Shingo is awfully heavy and he keeps balking. I won't manage with three of them," she sighed.

"Of course," I went to boss and hoisted his arm on my shoulders. Turned out Yagami wasn't as lean as he appeared to be – I almost fell under his weight. Gathering up my strength, I followed Kiyomi, who literally dragged behind two other men, kicking each of them from time to time. We barely made it to the first floor, where Kiyomi left us to call for the driver guy so he'd help to load men into the car.

"Lawliet, here tell me..." Yagami muttered, barely able to stand and leaning on me. "Do you like us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well... All of us. Takada, Namikawa, Midou, the family... Me?"

I was a little confused at his question. I knew the answer very well, but somehow I couldn't respond right away.

"Yes, boss," I said after a while.

"And you don't want to return home?"

"No. I was bored there."

"You're a good guy," Raito smiled. "And damn how hard I fell for you. Do you influence everyone this way? Don't you ever try to betray me. I know you won't. Here you are, being twelve..."

"I'm going to be thirteen in a month..."

"Great! Almost thirteen! And I'm twenty... five. Five. Do you understand?"

To be honest, I didn't. He kept hopping from one thought to another, it was almost impossible to grasp a connection between them. Some of his phrases were completely incomprehensible to me. So I just nodded and listened to him.

"You're still a kid. But it's nothing, you'll grow up soon and you'll be the best. This I can promise. And you know what..."

He fell silent after that. And kept his silence for a long time, not saying a word. But he finished his unsaid thought when the car took us to another tall building, in which, as Kiyomi told me, was Raito's apartment. She escorted us to the door, opened and closed it behind us, and only then left.

Raito turned to me, putting his hands on my shoulders.

"You are only mine. I won't let anyone take you away from me, kid. And you won't go anywhere either, whether you like it or not. Even death won't be the reason."

I remember that after those words I lay awoke for the most part of the night.


	6. VI

** VI**

Next few weeks were a hazy turmoil for me. Raito introduced me to some other people, showed me the family headquarters, briefly explained me their business. He also said that in order to enroll in school I'd have to take two tests: one to define my knowledge in subjects, and another to find out my IQ level. I was quite nervous about those tests, so when he came back holding my results printed on a few sheets of paper, I sweat-dropped, trying to guess what he was thinking by the look on his face.

"Excellent job," he said after some time, glancing up at me and smiling. "Judging by your results, you're a genius, boy."

He then patted me on the shoulder, handing over papers.

"Now, before you puff up with pride, know that I'm expecting you to do just as good with our trainings. Don't disappoint me, alright?"

I nodded, looking up at him with serious face.

"Yes, boss."

"Good."

And so it began. Five years of my life I spent going to school and sharpening my combat skills. Sometimes Raito gave me minor orders, like to make friends with some kids in school. He even visited my school a couple of times, and when he did so, he'd usually point to me at some girl and tell me:

"Help her."

"Why should I do that?"

"Because I've told you to. Learn to behave yourself."

"She's sillypants. Everyone says so."

"So what? The more happier she'll be that somebody's offered her help. Now go."

And I obeyed.

I didn't know whether he made me do that for me not to feel lonely, or maybe he thought that I should get better at socializing. However it might have been, I always tried to do my best when executing his orders. And these five years were stairs on the way to my goal. I was very quick to grasp everything Raito taught me, tried to remember every detail of what he showed and said to me. Because I really wanted to be up to the mark. I wanted for father and mother to be proud of me. For everyone to see that I wasn't a waste of time.

And Yagami Raito was my best helper. Five years I spent side by side with him. That yakuza gave me everything I could only dream about. He was the one who allowed me to have a taste of the life I wanted to live. Yes, I still didn't have any real experience and still knew close to nothing about the world around, because he never took me with him to his sorties. When he had to leave, I stayed in his apartments under the supervision of his helpers. He didn't allow me to even visit the headquarters without his escort. But I didn't regret anything. I knew that I would face the world as soon as I was ready.

My training mostly consisted of mixture of exercises, martial arts, fist fighting, and firing practice. Raito also insisted on teaching me how to fight with cold steel, and thrice a week I had to swing a bokken, even though I wasn't getting as good with it as I did with other of our practices. After a year and a half of trainings on inanimate objects, he brought some of his people and said that I'd have to practice my combat skills with them. All of them had various fighting styles, so I had a chance to develop different tactics. But not all of Raito's teaching focused on physical strength – rather often he made me endure shortage of various things: sometimes it was food, sometimes sleep, sometimes comfort. From time to time he made me do absolutely crazy things, like to write on walls with a marker clenched in my teeth. Usually, during this task he would quote me Shakespeare's lines and would demand from me to write them in perfectly legible letters.

"Concentration, my young padawan. Peace and calm. That's the only way to develop your power."

Of course, quite frequently he made me deal with blood and gore. He taught me to tolerate people's sufferings. Taught me to cause physical pain to others. Taught me to kill without feeling remorse:

"You will not take life from people who don't wish to do the same to you. Just a second of you having second thoughts will be enough for them to kill you. And trust me, they will not feel guilty for what they did."

After two years of such existence, I thought I was ready for something real. So I demanded from him to give me a task. Raito raised his eyebrow sceptically and said:

"Fine. If that's your will, you'll have to get past me. If you can score just one hit on me, I will allow what you're asking for. Come on, let's a have a hand-to-hand fight, and see if you are ready."

He then stood still, waiting for me to start the fight. I really wasn't prepared for that, and I never saw Raito in a combat, so I didn't know what to expect. It bugged me a little that he didn't even care to take off his jacket, but anyhow I thought the chance was not to be missed and launched at him.

I didn't notice how he'd moved and dodged my attack. He didn't have a big build but he compensated it with his dexterity. His response time, center of gravity and timing worked in synergy, allowing him to easily evade my fists and kicks.

"What are you doing, Lawliet? Try harder. You've already made a big mistake showing me what hand you were going to use to attack. Didn't I tell you to deliver first strike at the very last moment?"

He sounded so cold. For a second I felt scared but quickly pulled myself together, trying to take him by surprise.

In the end it was no use – it felt like he knew how I would move, and moved accordingly. I understood it wasn't only about his skills - his body was accustomed to fighting and he knew my abilities very well, but still... I gathered all of my remaining strength and kicked as hard as I could. This time I did hit. Not him, but a vase that fell on the floor and shattered into pieces.

"That's enough," he said, sighing. "Otherwise you'll ruin everything here."

I stood there, sweaty, pathetic and ashamed. From that on I didn't dare to rush events and didn't ask for him to take me along, didn't contradict his decisions. I patiently waited and prepared for my time to come.

* * *

"Damn it, don't tell me you're sleeping! It's almost evening, Lawliet."

"I had a rough day and I didn't sleep last night, it's your fault..."

"I was doing that for your sake."

"That's why you nearly killed me earlier this day? Perhaps, that's also the reason you won't let me nap now?"

"Watch your tongue when talking to your boss."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, _Boss_."

"You rascal, Lawliet," Yagami smiled.

"Well... what do you have in mind to finish me with?" I asked, turning to my side to look at him.

"Nothing."

I stared at him, incredulous.

"Pardon?"

"If you're already deaf in such a young age, it makes no sense for me to do anything further," Raito threw up his hands theatrically.

"What do you mean saying nothing?" I ignored him and sat up on my bed.

"This silly habit of yours to look for a catch in my words will kill me someday."

"As if."

"Get dressed, princess. It's time to let you taste some real life."

At first I thought I misheard. Next I thought that he was joking, considering that oyabun was quite generous with various antics. As a result, after not finding a single impish twinkle in his eyes, I believed him.

"Are you... serious?" I couldn't believe my luck. "Am I ready?"

"You're ready, Lawliet," Yagami nodded, smiling.

"I hate you," I laughed, jumping to my feet. "For five years you wouldn't let me from under your wing. Tell me, how many times you left me unattended?"

"About twenty?.." he surmised uncertainly.

"Uh-huh, and even that happened when you were in too much of a hurry to order someone to look after me. All my time I spent here."

"Look, is this one of your teen mood swings kicking in again? What are you so unhappy about?"

"I'm happy. Just feel like grumbling a bit. And I have a reason - five years I spent in prison!" I went on expressing my indignation, dressing up at the same time.

"A princess, indeed..." Raito rolled his eyes.

"You taught me everything here, but you could have at least let me visit the headquarters without you from time to time. After all, I could very well learn there," I couldn't let up.

"Well, everything happened according to God's will."

"God named Yagami Raito."

"Yagami Raito is the oyabun," he corrected me. I waved him away. "Though God doesn't sound bad either."

"Come down to sinful earth, to us, mere mortals," I made a malicious remark, putting on my sneakers.

"Go already, your highness."

"What?"

"Well, you're a princess in captivity. And I'm your prince charming who will save you from such a terrible fate," Yagami said, opening a door for me and motioning to pass first.

"I hate you," I smiled slightly and went to the door.

During all the time we spent together, this man had become really close to me. I was extremely grateful to him for everything he'd done for me. No, not only for the skills he taught me. Although without him I wouldn't be able to learn to fight so well. I wouldn't be endowed with a physical strength that I possessed. He hadn't only become my mentor, but a close friend without whom I was nothing. It was him who was there when I started feeling depressed. It was him who comforted me when I couldn't find point in anything and thought I was useless. It was him who gave me strength, inspired and helped me to move on. Thanks to him, I realized what the friendship was. And damn me, I knew I would always be siding him, no matter what he would do.

"Scoop my eyes out with a spoon if this is not Lawliet!" Kiyomi exclaimed as soon as Raito and I got into car. I hadn't seen her since the time I arrived in Tokyo, somehow she was always away when I visited the HQ. And somehow, I'd managed to begin missing her.

"Takada-san!"

I almost leaped in her open arms.

"Good god, Lawliet. You've changed so much," she smiled, looking at me. "So tall, so manly... I'm ready to kill Yagami for not giving me the opportunity to see you, but I won't do that just because he kept his word and made you into yakuza."

"You're embarrassing me," I muttered, laughing quietly. She obviously flattered on me when saying I looked manly. I knew I still was my pale and pretty much scrawny self.

"Oh, come on," she patted me on the shoulder. "Nice to see you with us again, now as a legit family member. I hope that this lunatic here won't take you away from us..."

"Do not worry, Kiyomi, this lad will no longer go away from you," Raito smiled, gesturing for the driver to set off. "Lawliet, now you are not just a spectator who I should teach everything. You must comply with any of my orders like other family members. If previously you didn't have to shoot or stay on guard somewhere when I gave such order, from now on it's your duty. If I say you should take a car and go, you do so, do you understand? Now you don't have a void in your head anymore, and clan ceased to be something incredibly confusing. Remember everything I taught you, and welcome to the family again."

"Thank you, boss," I nodded, unable to suppress a smile.

"Wonderful," Yagami winked at me and turned to Kiyomi.

"What's our plan, Raito?" she asked, looking out of the window.

"You already know about what Namikawa, Midou and I have planned. Now it's time to make our first serious move. Higuchi's bastards took it too far, attacking our headquarters," he frowned. "Lawliet, you should know this too. Remember how we got attacked on a ship all those years ago? It was Higuchi's people work. Higuchi Kyousuke is the oyabun of an influential yakuza family. They weren't big in our world when you first met them, but now every family has to take them into consideration. The thing is he seeks to devour my and my friends' clans, so that his family can become dominant. We won't let him do that. So today we're going to strike them and attack one of the brothels they control. This will be your task too, consider it a baptism of fire. Try to not kill any civilians, alright? I won't stand innocent victims."

"I understand," I nodded, immediately feeling too nervous for my liking. "Are we going there right now?"

"No. First I want to take more people with me. Then we'll venture into that pit."

I fell silent, clutching at the fabric of my jeans. When I looked out of the window and saw other family members getting into the cars, I felt somewhat ill at ease – they all were dressed in black suits with ties and looked as your classical gang members, holding their guns. I, on the other hand, still was in my jeans and t-shirt, absolutely armless, and looked more like a nerdy teenager rather than a fierce warrior.

"Geez, Lawliet, stop thinking so loudly," I heard Raito's voice. I flinched and looked at him asquint. What, was he now able to read minds? "Trust me, your looks don't mean a thing. In a combat you are ten times better than them."

He nodded to Kiyomi and she handed me over a metal suitcase. I opened it and saw a wide assortment of various arms.

"Choose anything you like. Don't forget to take ammo," she said, and then threw at me something heavy. "Also take this."

The thing she threw at me turned out to be a bulletproof vest. I didn't think too long when picking my weapon – two guns would serve me good.

After I was done with equipping myself, I looked up to see Raito dragging something from under his seat. That something was wrapped in a dark slipcover and from the looks of it, it was...

"Katanas," I exhaled, surprised. "Are you seriously going to fight with these things? We're not in 18th century, right?"

"That doesn't mean these babies here are any less fatal," he replied calmly.

I shook my head. Of course Raito always had his guns with him, but using katanas in a real battle... It was beyond me. I knew better than arguing, and so I clutched the pistols tightly and looked out of the window, watching the colorful streets of Kabukicho district. It was still hard to believe that I was going somewhere with a sole purpose of killing people. I admit, I was more than a little nervous, and because of that emotional strain, everything around started to feel unrealistic, like I was in a dream.

Finally, the car pulled over a rather small and unobtrusive building. In some kind of daze I watched as Raito and Kiyomi stepped out of the vehicle, other family members following their example. _"But... there are people everywhere!"_ I thought, suddenly horrified.

"Lawliet," I heard Raito calling me quietly. "Don't show your fear to others. There is no place for uncertainty now."

He looked at me, eyes cold.

"Come here and take up your position. That's an order."

I nodded, getting out of the car and standing beside the oyabun._ "It doesn't matter,"_ I kept telling myself. _"That's my first fight. I must do well."_

Two people, in one of whom I recognized Nobu, walked towards the doors of the den and disappeared inside the building. Kiyomi followed them, gesturing for me to come with her. For some reason I tried to keep my steps quiet, though there really was no point in doing so because the music was playing loud. As soon as Kiyomi and I were inside, other members of the family walked in.

I looked around a dimly lit room, unwillingly blushing at the sight of half-naked women, who stared at us.

"Don't get distracted by the hookers," I heard Kiyomi telling me.

I was going to answer her, but a loud bang and screams of terror made me flinch and freeze – Nobu made a shot in the air.

"That's a warning," he yelled, out-voicing panicked screams.

I saw a man, who all this time was standing quietly in a dark corner. He made a move and aimed a gun at Nobu, preparing to shoot him next moment. Something clicked within me, and I pulled out my own gun, firing it without hesitation. The man staggered and dropped on the ground, dead. That's when the real panic broke out, and I saw more and more men coming out of seemingly nowhere, racing at us.

"Thanks!" Nobu called me. "Glad you're back with us!"

I smiled at him, happy that he still remembered me. But a few seconds later, I got attacked from both sides by two enemies, who crept close to me. Shooting one of them, I turned to another, whose gun was pointed at me. He gave me a crooked smile, and I kicked him in the stomach, making him double up in pain. Without delay, I hoofed the gun from his hands and aimed my own pistol at him, its bullet piercing his skull next moment. Just as I turned around to try and look for Raito, whom I completely lost in the haze of a fight, I came face to face with another opponent. In front of me stood a guy two times thicker and taller than me. He didn't seem like he had any arms aside from an axe, but he was smiling maliciously, feeling his superiority over me.

Without thinking, I ran straight at him, hiding my guns and preparing my fists instead. The strapper had no time to figure out what I was going to do, and immediately I made a series of hits, aiming at his stomach and throat. When the guy fell, I got on top of him and stomped at the left side of his chest, where his heart was.

Taking a breath, I ducked behind a toppled over table to reload my guns. That's when I saw Yagami, surrounded by four enemies. Judging by his looks, he wasn't having a hard time and didn't need any help – armed with two katanas and four guns, he was worth to be feared of.

I watched as he deftly climbed on a cupboard and disposed of two of his opponents by synchronously shooting them from two guns. Jumping off the cupboard, he joined the melee with the remaining two. Discarding from one of them with a precise kick, he pierced the second one with katanas, delivering death in no time. At the same moment, the guy he'd kicked earlier, came to his senses and wanted to backstab the oyabun, but inexplicably Raito noticed him and blocked the attack with his blade, not even turning to face his enemy. The second of his blades he stabbed into that guy, leaving the latter no chances to live.

I couldn't believe how he could easily kill four heavily armed enemies. But I saw him doing just that with my own eyes. Yagami was ideally skillful with both of his blades and could simultaneously shoot from two pistols. However much I tried to master that skill too, I couldn't succeed – my left hand refused to act the same as the right. So I decided if I couldn't simultaneously shoot from both hands, I could at least fully master shooting with my left one.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind watching Raito fight further, but I couldn't afford that. Finally done with reloading my guns, I rushed back to the epicenter of the fight. I don't remember how long I was shooting and fighting against the enemies, but it seemed that rather soon the battle was over. The survived threw their arms and raised their hands up, admitting defeat.

Panting, I sat down right on the floor and waited for the oyabun to deal with the captives. Some of them gladly agreed to join our clan. I watched as my family members dragged them into their crowd. I smiled, incredulous. Sometimes I couldn't understand them: these guys seemed now very pleased to have replenishment and didn't seem to care that we'd just been fighting with these people.

"What about you? Don't you want to follow the example of your now former comrades?" Yagami asked the remaining five prisoners.

"I'd rather die than betray my oyabun," snapped one of them.

"As you wish, my friend. I'm not going to force any of you into anything, but I think you should know that you're losing quite a lot by turning down my offer. After all, Higuchi won't succeed, and all of you are going to sacrifice your lives for a loser. But since you seem so adamant with your decision – so be it," Raito said in a casual tone, recharging one of his guns.

"I will join you..." one of the captives mumbled uncertainly.

"Lovely. Guys, take him. Well, now about you," he turned to the remaining enemies. "You go right where you wanted to be."

He shot them after he said these words, not bothering to waste any more of his time.

"You," Raito then addressed few of his people. "Take care of this place and then return to the headquarters. Others, let's go back."

I got up and hurriedly followed my family. As soon as we were in the car, I noticed flames enveloping the insides of the building, slowly but surely destroying it.

"You could have taken it under your control," Kiyomi said, glancing at Raito. "Why destroying?"

"Why? This place was no use for me. I have no need in increasing our influence in Kabukicho anyway. My goal is to destroy Higuchi," he replied with a shrug.

"Still, the fire won't go unnoticed," she frowned. "And I mean the police, not Higuchi."

"Aw," a rather dark smile made its way to his lips. "But I'm sure one of my dear friends won't let the investigation of this case to come too far. Don't worry, Kiyomi. I've clout everywhere. Better busy yourself thinking where will we go for dinner tonight. We should celebrate, after all Lawliet's passed his exam."

He then winked at me, while Kiyomi huffed. Once we were in the HQ building, Raito gestured for me to follow him.

"I need to have a word with you."

"Yes, boss," I said, and immediately hurried after him. Having walked into his office, I closed the door behind us.

"You did a pretty fine job today, I was very pleased. You made the results of our trainings to be seen to others," Yagami smiled, glancing at me.

"That's all thanks you."

"I just gave you the opportunities. The rest of the work was done by you. And it was no other than you who prepared yourself. But you didn't escape some bodily harm, did you?"

With these words Yagami came up to me and ran his fingers down my cheek. Immediately I felt a stung of a sharp pain.

"The scratch isn't too deep, but you've also sustained some injuries on your hand."

I looked down and saw large cuts on the palm of my hand.

"Damn it..." I swore, hissing in pain when I tried to ball my hand into fist.

"Let's take care of this, then everything will be okay," the oyabun said, taking out some bandages from a locker on the wall before coming back to me.

"I didn't even notice I had cuts, until you pointed it out," I smiled, watching as Raito carefully took care of my wounds.

"Yeah, and if I didn't tell you, you'd probably have kept running around with these cuts. But that's nothing, you'll survive."

I grinned, looking at him. As soon as he finished with treating and bandaging my hand, his eyes met mine. And how many times had I told myself not to look in his eyes for more than a few seconds? Tens, hundreds, thousands of times. But still I didn't learn my lesson.

"Lawliet."

"Mm?.."

There was silence. With each second it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep looking at him. Everything inside of me got heavier, it was becoming harder to keep breathing.

"There might form a scar on your cheek," he said finally. And I, unlike him, didn't find what to say. I could only nod awkwardly, and jump out of his office with a lame excuse of having to run some errands.

* * *

_A/N: Well... this was stupid lol. I'm sorry, I'm really bad with fighting scenes but I honestly tried to make it more or less bearable. Hope you enjoyed this crap nonetheless and stay tuned for the updates c:_


	7. VII

** VII**

I started to feel uncomfortable being alone with Yagami. After that little exchange in his office, something had changed in me. I began avoiding to look Raito in the eyes when conversing, and did everything to leave as soon as I was finding myself one on one with him. That wasn't an easy task, considering that I still lived in his apartment and still had to see him every day. He must have noticed the change in my behavior, but somehow kept his silence. Either he didn't want to say anything, or he waited for some miracle to happen. Or maybe it was me who didn't give him a chance to speak – I honestly doubted he could touch upon this issue when there were third parties around, and we didn't have a chance to be alone for longer than a minute, thanks to me. But for some reason I felt calmer this way. Not to say that I was avoiding this conversation... Okay, I'm lying now. I was terribly afraid that Raito would start interrogating me. And the reason of this fear was that I simply didn't know the answers to his possible questions. I wished I could find someone who would open my eyes. But alas, I wasn't going to share this problem with anyone. Perhaps, it would pass with time. But how could it possibly pass, if I didn't even know what it was?

Aside from my psychological problem, Raito gave me one more thing to worry about: he ordered me to stand guard over one of his pachinko parlors with no other than Teru as my companion. Our mission was clear and simple: prevent any disturbances and protect the place from other gangs. That wasn't fair. I wasn't training so hard just to become a security worker, guarding a pachinko, while more experienced members of the family (including Raito) were on far more important tasks.

"Son of a bitch, I'm gonna kick your smart ass!"

I heard some man yelling in a very outraged manner. Probably it was yet another drunk guy getting pissed with an arcade machine. Out of habit, I took off running to quiet the man and escort him out of the club. But when I found the source of the noise someone was already there, dealing with the guy. Mikami sneered at the drunk customer, rather rudely pushing him to the exit. That was weird. Mikami never cared about such minor incidents, preferring to spend his time either drinking beer or doing nothing.

"You're slow today, Lawliet," Teru smirked, walking up to me after getting rid of the man. "Tired?"

"Well, I've got reasons to be tired, you see. It's probably because I don't have a habit of getting drunk at work," I replied with feigned indifference. After three months of having to co-exist in a close proximity with that guy, he'd succeeded to fray my nerves, and I was barely managing to keep myself in control and not to punch his smug face.

"Geez. Let's be honest, there is no work here. I suppose I have a right to drink a little just so I won't die of boredom. Don't you think so?"

"I think you have little to no rights at all."

"The older you get, the cockier you become. Are you sure you want to be so brave?" Teru's face was suddenly right at me. He often did that trick and I was already used to him acting like that, so I didn't try to pull away and kept looking in his eyes, unimpressed. The thing is if he wanted, Teru could make such a scary face that it could probably cause a trauma to an unprepared spectator. He was aware of his "talent" and used this peculiar ability of his against rivals. But after so many months that I'd spent alongside of him, I'd stopped getting a cold shiver that used to run down my spine at his sight.

"What do you want from me?" I asked wearily. "I'm not worthy of you having to break away from your bottle and racing to do my job. Or did you decide to please me this way? What an honor."

"Shut your little clever mouth. It won't do you any good."

"Enough of threats, Mikami. I have no reasons to be scared of them anyway, since you've never dared to go further than talking shit. And to be honest, I'm getting sick of it."

Looking in his eyes, I realized I managed to make him angry.

"You're just asking for it, Lawliet."

"By no means."

Moment later I felt the cold of Teru's favorite dagger's blade on my throat. Trying to keep my face blank and indifferent, I didn't take my eyes off Mikami. The latter, in turn, stared at me with undisguised hatred, not taking his dagger away or moving at all. His rapid breathing was scorching my face.

"If only you knew how much you piss me off," Teru finally said, removing his dagger and pulling away from me.

"Actually I know. And I'm already used to it," I said calmly. "If I were you, I'd think of a new way of bringing me down. Although I can't say I understand your reasons. You know that I won't leave the family anyway."

"That's the most unfortunate," Mikami almost growled. He then huffed and suddenly smirked."Hey, Lawliet. I nearly forgot - I got a message for you."

I tilted my head in confusion. Mikami's grin grown wider:

"It's from your mustache. Says you'll have to wait a couple more years before you two see each other," he emitted a dramatic 'ha-ha' and proudly walked away. I rolled my eyes. This guy was older than I but still behaved like a child.

Two hours later our shift was over. I waited for the shiftman to come before getting into my car and driving home. When I arrived to the apartment building, I quickly looked at our windows to check if Raito was at home. The lights were off and all in all it seemed like no one was in the apartment. I thought of dialing home number or Raito's cell phone, but abandoned the idea. What could I say if it so happened that he was actually at home?

I felt strangely nervous all the way to the apartment door, and didn't dare to turn the light on after stepping inside. Quickly, I kicked off my shoes and rushed into my room in the dark. There I spent a whole hour before I started to get hungry. But... was it safe to go to the kitchen?

My stomach grumbled, and I was ready to punch myself in the face for acting so ridiculous. Just great, I wasn't afraid of getting into a fight and killing someone, but I was chickening out to go to a kitchen and seek for leftovers. And anyway, I didn't hear a sound after I'd dashed into my room, so my behavior now seemed plain stupid. With these thoughts, I bravely marched to the fridge.

Already in the kitchen, I grabbed a plate of yesterday's takeout from some restaurant and was already going to sit at a table, when I got startled by someone's careful gaze. Yagami was thoughtfully looking at me, sitting on a sofa in the darkened living room, few feet away from me. Hesitantly, I lay the plate down on the table before swallowing nervously and going up to him a little closer.

"You're home, boss... Do you need something?" my voice cracked, and I had to clear my throat.

"No. Why?"

"It's just you were looking at me, aniki-san... I thought something was wrong."

"Since when are you calling me 'aniki-san' again? And more importantly why the hell are you creeping through your house in the darkness?"

I cussed inwardly.

"I'm sorry. I was just... training my eyes to see in the dark."

"We need to have a talk, Lawliet. Come into the study when you finish eating."

I immediately panicked, frantically going through all the possible plans of retreat.

"And do not even dare to go somewhere else," Yagami warned me, as though reading my mind. I shuddered again.

"But..."

"I will be waiting," he scowled and rose up from the sofa, walking down the hallway to the study room.

Although I wanted to eat as slowly as possible, I understood it wouldn't be a wise decision. After all, Raito was waiting for me to come, and I strongly suspected that every minute I spent on my dinner, made his mood darker than it already was. And so I quickly finished the meal and resignedly trudged into his study. It seemed the conversation was inevitable. And what was I supposed to do now?

Once I closed the door and came face to face with him, the panic in me increased significantly.

"Lawliet, what's wrong?" Raito asked right away. I hated how straightforward he could be sometimes. This time he could start from afar, couldn't he?.. But no, that was not in his nature. Yagami Raito, when he needed something, simply went for it.

It seemed my silence was dragging on for too long, judging by the oyabun's expectant look.

"Nothing," I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Really? Then why at the sight of me, you start behaving as if you're about to get shot?"

"I... don't know."

And how was I to prove him that I really, _really_ didn't know? There just was no way I could convince him.

He sighed heavily, and I started to feverishly wish the earth could swallow me up. I wanted to be anywhere, just not here.

"Lawliet..." my name rolled off his tongue.

"Stop it, I can't take it anymore!" I snapped, absolutely unexpectedly for both Raito and myself. "I really don't know what's wrong with me. Don't know why your presence's started to make me feel weird. Don't know why I can find no peace when being alone with you. Don't know what's wrong with the look in your eyes and with the tone of your voice. I know nothing, alright! And guess what? I too want to find answers to these stupid questions, for fuck's sake!"

And only after a long moment, I realized that I accidentally blurted out some nonsense which I really shouldn't have said.

"And what are we going to do with this?"

"How do I know," I said grimly, folding my arms on my chest and hunching on a chair in front of him. "I'm just your subordinate, like everyone else. We don't have a need to always be alone, so there's no reason for worry. You don't spend individual time with each of the family members, do you? How am I different?"

Judging by the changed look in the oyabun's eyes, I realized what kind of stupidity I just blurted. Of course, this was Raito. The very man who all this time was near me. The one who knew me better than anyone else. The one who was the closest to me, and in whose house I lived. Uttering such words to him was extremely dumb.

"I suppose I do not have to explain the scale of absurdity of the words you've just said," Yagami replied, still looking at me like I was a fool.

"No..."

There was silence again. It would be better if he kept talking instead of quietly gazing at me. This silence was making everything worse. Fortunately, this torture didn't last long – Raito's cell phone went off.

"Go to your room," he said curtly, and just before I could make a move and save myself from this hell of awkwardness, Yagami stopped me abruptly, grabbing me by the sleeve.

"Don't alienate too much."

I bit into my lip and nodded, escaping from his grip. Already in my room, I didn't know what exactly I was supposed to think of his words. Didn't want to think anything of them at all. But I knew that he wouldn't let me forget the conversation we'd had.

* * *

A month later everything became even worse. I still couldn't do as much as to look Raito in the eyes, and our conversations soon became almost non-existent. We almost didn't see each other at all – I slept during days, while he was out somewhere doing his business, while the nights I spent on my guard duties, not knowing where he was or what he was doing. The thing that was making the matters even more uncomfortable, is that I started to have quite peculiar dreams about Raito and myself. Usually my brain depicted for me a giant green valley, bathing in the sunlight. Both of us would lay on the grass, hugging each other. Then Raito would look at my lips with glazed eyes before leaning in for a kiss. His lips would graze mine, and that's when I would wake up, lips still poised for the kiss that never really came. The dream itself wouldn't give me much troubles if not for the consequences it brought. Even though nothing too indecent was happening in my dreams, they'd still give me a raging erection which wouldn't pass until I did something with it. It felt like I became one giant mess of hormones. And I was sure that Raito noticed how rapidly tissues were disappearing from a box on my nightstand.

It was in the early evening when he came into my room, knocking before daring to open the door, probably appalled with the thought of walking in on me while I was... doing my thing.

"Come in," I said, inwardly preparing myself for yet another short and awkward dialogue.

"I'm going to catch up with Namikawa and Midou," he said, setting the matters straight. "I need you to come along."

I dared to look up at him from the book I was reading.

"My shift starts in two hours," I mumbled.

"It's not. You are coming with me, I'll have someone stand in for you," he told me. "Get dressed and come outside. I'll be waiting for you in the car."

"Yes, boss."

I honestly didn't feel like coming with him, just to sit there and wait for him to get drunk like he did most of the times he met with his friends. But what could I do? He'd told me to come along, and so I did. Why was he even so persistent on me coming along with him each time was beyond me. But to my surprise, we arrived not at a bar or a nightclub, but at a sento*.

_[*sento] - __Japanese __communal bath house_

"Are we even allowed here?" I asked Raito anxiously, following him inside the building. "I thought gokudo had no right to visit such establishments."

"Nonsense. We can go wherever we want to. Besides, Reiji owns this place."

"Oh, okay then..."

To be honest, I wasn't entirely calmed with his words. It felt wrong to be here, but I couldn't contradict him now, could I? I knew he wouldn't listen to me anyway. But the whole horror of the situation dawned on me when we went inside the changing room and Raito started to undress himself.

I stood there, unable to turn my eyes away. Absolutely fascinated, I watched as he unbuttoned his shirt, revealing the smooth skin and strong muscles of his hands. Then he started to take off his undershirt, facing his back to me. This was the first time I saw him without all those layers of clothes. Raito's entire back was adorned with an intricate, colorful and beautifully done tattoo of a tiger. I gawked at it, as it was shifting with each of his movements. _"His body is beautiful," _I thought to myself then, immediately causing a range of emotions and indignant cry of reason to fill my mind.

"Lawliet. Stop pretending to be a statue and strip already," I heard him saying.

Hesitating, I kicked off my shoes before taking off my pullover. I felt my cheeks were flaming red when I pulled off my jeans, standing in just my underwear. Good god, was I supposed to take it off too? I didn't even have a towel to cover my body with! But the order was the order, and so I slowly pulled my boxers down with one hand, trying to cover myself with another hand in the process. All the time I spent undressing, I didn't dare to lift my eyes and look at Raito. As soon as I stepped out of my underwear, something soft hit me in the face, falling on the floor next second. A towel.

"Take this and go into sauna," Raito commanded before leaving the locker room.

I nodded, still staring at my feet.

Wrapping the towel around my waist, I trudged dejectedly into sauna. Opening the door, I didn't even look up to see who was there – I knew that Raito, Reiji and Shingo never had any company. So I bowed, greeting them, and stepped inside the hot, thick air in the room. A skittish girly laugh got me taken aback, and I looked up with a jerk. There, on a wooden bench sat a stark naked woman, who was looking at me and smiling.

"Well, aren't you a ladies man?" she said in a dragged out manner, winking at me.

Stupefied, I moved back.

"I'm terribly sorry, it seems I have got the wrong door," I said hurriedly, turning around and ready to flee out of the room. She stopped me, grabbing me by the towel and peeling me off it in a matter of second.

"What are you doing?!" I almost squealed, cupping my hands between my legs. I was sure my face couldn't get any more red than it already was.

"My job," she grinned, and stood up, walking to me. I stood there, frozen, until she got so close that her breasts were touching my skin.

"Don't be shy," she said, wrapping her arms around me, and trying to pry off my hands so that I could lay them on her as well.

"D-don't," I stuttered.

"Awww, you are so cute! I was warned that you are a virgin, but I didn't think you'd be so adorable," she giggled, and seated me on the bench. The woman then took a good look at me before kneeling and telling me softly: "I won't do you any wrong... Just try to relax and have fun."

Unsure of my actions, I took a deep breath and finally let my hands fall to my sides. She smiled, and I closed my eyes tightly, wishing for whatever she was going to do to end soon, and hating, _hating_ Raito for making me go through this.

* * *

I don't know how much time I spent with the woman. Can't say I even remember how I staggered out of the sauna, legs shaking and feeling dizzy. All this time my mind seemed to be elsewhere. I felt bad. Dirty and ashamed of myself. There was a giant lump in my throat of which I couldn't get rid, no matter how hard I tried to swallow it. Eyes started prickling, signaling there were tears dwelling in them. I took a shaky breath, propping myself against a door of men's restroom. It hurt. Somewhere inside of me formed a black hole that seemed to suck my very soul in it.

"Fuck..." I whispered, tear rolling down my hot cheek. What was wrong with me? What kind of sickness took over me, that I was on the verge of hysterics after having my first sexual experience with a woman who knew how to please a man the best. I should have felt happy, or pleased, but instead all I felt was pain.

I took another deep breath, trying to calm down. I needed to wash my face before I could show it to Raito, who, I was sure, was waiting for my return. Just as I was ready to grip the handle and open the restroom door, I heard a muffled voice coming from inside. Though quiet and damped, I still could recognize Midou's voice.

"They have no idea," he laughed. "Huh? Of course I am sure. Look, it's not very prudent for us to talk now... I know. Of course. Yes. Yes. Until later."

I opened the door and walked inside to see him staring at me, cell phone clutched in his hand. For a split second I thought I saw a tingle of fear and anger in his eyes, but they obtained their usual careless and friendly look before I could figure out anything. He snuck the phone in the pocket of his rob.

"Lawliet!" he exclaimed, smiling and giving me a brief hug. "Good to see you. Took your sweet time, eh?"

He winked at me and laughed, patting me on the shoulder.

"Come on, do your business here and come to the baths. Raito and Reiji have been waiting for you all this time."

I nodded, forcing a smile. He smiled back and walked away, leaving me.

When I walked into the bathing area, it wasn't hard to find the one tub I was looking for. Three man, that I've known for so long, were sitting in a giant wooden bathtub, seemingly relaxing and enjoying themselves. To be honest, I could never understood this "skinship" thing that sento meant to provide. If anything, being naked around someone made me uncomfortable, but it seemed those three were absolutely at ease.

"...discretion, loyalty and bonds. That's what makes us strong. Bonds, especially. One thing we've got going for us is each other. We are brothers. It means something to me, as it should to you, too," I heard Namikawa say.

"Blood brothers..." Yagami added quietly. "We swore to look after each other. And look after the people we love. We are a family. We have to stick together. If anything happens to one of us... the others should look after the ones he left behind."

There was a solemn pause after his words, until Midou noticed me.

"Why are you standing there? Come on, get in."

I tried not to look at Raito as I stripped out of my towel before getting into the tub. I was a bit nervous that uncomfortable silence would last too long, but fortunately Shingo was the one to break it again:

"Speaking about family, what's with your wedding, Reiji? How long are you intending to make us wait for the big party?"

"I do not think it's wise to throw the party before we finish our business with Higuchi," the dark-haired man frowned. "I don't want to take the risk."

"Your fiancée must be upset about this. She's been waiting for many months already, but you always find reasons to postpone the wedding," Shingo smirked. "As a man I can understand you, but as a friend I'd recommend you rush the things up if you don't want to lose your girl."

"What are you trying to say?" Raito frowned suddenly.

"Well... I'll be honest here. I saw Hisako couple of times going out without Reiji. She's a pretty woman and, boy, does she get the attention she deserves."

Both Reiji and Raito gave him a surreptitious look.

"Thank you, Shingo. I'll take your words into consideration," Reiji said softly.

"Look, Reiji, I fully understand the risk of having a big party right now," Midou gave him a gentle smile. "But if you decide to have a wedding in spite of the circumstances, I'm ready to provide you with my people to ensure the safety, you know? Get it covered and everything."

"Thank you, brother," Reiji smiled at him.

Raito kept his silence, but upon looking in his eyes I could tell he felt unsure about the situation. And I knew that something was definitely wrong if he didn't rush to share his suspicions with his friends.


	8. VIII

** VIII**

Later in the night of the same day Raito ordered me to once again come into the study room. I knocked on the door and peeked inside, giving him a questioning look.

"Come in and take a seat, Lawliet," he said, typing something on his computer. I complied with his request and waited for him to say anything. When he finally tore his eyes away from the monitor, Yagami looked at me with a smile.

"So, how did you like my present?" he asked me.

A present? For a second I couldn't understand what he was talking about but then the events of that evening came flushing at me. I vividly remembered how I'd sobbed in the restroom, feeling dirty and used. Judging by his smile, he obviously had no idea just how awful it had been.

"It wasn't very nice," I decided to be honest after a few moments of silence.

"Was it? Why? Was the girl not to your liking?" Yagami seemed concerned. "I'm sorry if that's the case, Lawliet. I have no idea of you preferences when it comes to women."

"No, no, that's not it," I said before I could stop myself.

"Oh? What's the matter then?"

I felt like an idiot. Here he gave me a perfect reason for not liking his "present", and I just had to dismiss it.

There was silence. And good god, how often this silence was in our conversations as of lately. I felt like sighing, but something constricted my throat so strongly that I could barely breath. And there was the familiar stinging in my eyes again.

"Lawliet?.." Raito frowned with worry, trying to look into my eyes. I pulled my knees to my chest, hiding my face from him. I was so mad at myself, and at the same time I felt miserable. Tears started streaming from my eyes, and I couldn't do anything to stop them. Now Raito was looking at me completely at loss what to do, I could almost sense his confusion and worry.

Suddenly he rose from his chair and quietly walked out of the door. I was ready to wail, desperate and ashamed. Here I was, losing my face and completely destroying the image I was working for. Everything worsened when I started hiccuping through my sobs.

"God, Lawliet... You're scaring me. Don't cry. A man shouldn't cry. Remember how you broke your leg and didn't shed a single tear? Now you're giving me the feeling you got your spine broken," I heard Raito murmuring somewhere close, and looked up to see him crouching in front of me, a box of tissues in his hand. He then began wiping my tears away, while I started to cry even harder upon seeing him doing that. It just wasn't right...

"I'm sorry," I barely managed to whisper, hiccuping and stuttering.

"You're not at fault. I should have asked you first before doing anything," he sighed deeply, looking at me with pained eyes. "If you didn't want to be with her, you could have just left... You know I wouldn't get mad at you."

I shook my head mutely, dropping my eyes, feeling disgusted at how pathetic I was. Raito sighed again, and suddenly wrapped his arms around me, obviously trying to give some comfort. I clutched at his shirt for dear life, hiding my face in his chest and breathing heavily.

"It's okay," he said, patting my back.

I remember him then helping me to get to my room and putting me in bed. All this time I couldn't stop crying, and when he left, I sobbed myself to sleep. The last thing that came into my hazy, tears-driven mind was that if anything, I had wanted my first sexual contact to be with someone I could trust with my life. And the only person that popped up in my mind was Raito.

* * *

Next two months turned into one hell of a nightmare. Unless, of course, erotic dreams and fantasies couldn't be called that, but those specific dreams were chasing me almost everywhere and every minute. It was maddening. I honestly tried not to think about it, I denied it, tried to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, but they, with equal obstinacy, kept creeping into my head, giving me wrong desires, drawing me such obscene pictures at nights that I couldn't muster up the courage to look into Raito's eyes in the mornings. I was ashamed. I hid my eyes behind the bangs of my hair from him. And it was no surprise, really - if only Raito knew that I was manually relieving myself from a certain tension while thinking of him in the shower, he'd have killed me without any trials. And my desires were only growing stronger, brighter. I tried to find a good explanation for them, tried to calculate the day, the hour, the moment everything'd gotten so complicated and my friendship towards him had grown into an incinerating thirst for intimacy. But to no avail. Obsession. That's how I identified my state. A lapse in judgment. Temporal, of course. It all probably was due to hormones, youth, abstinence, tension or fatigue. I could find many excuses for my desires. But the fact remained. I was unbearably attracted to him. With a dangerous kind of attraction. Completely unnecessary. Untimely. And most of all wrong. Although, as time went on, I soon came to a conclusion that there was nothing "wrong" with my feelings, but still I was chickening out to tell Raito about them. No, I wasn't afraid of his anger, but I was getting terrified at the thought that his trust would crack at seams and he would turn his back on me. The last thing I wanted was to lose my only friend in him.

I didn't notice how the jealousy came. It just arose, all of a sudden. Went through my consciousness like a fire, incinerating any remnants of reasonable thoughts. It coiled in my soul like a viper, and stung, burned, forced my breathing to increase each time I saw a girl next to Raito. And I didn't care that it could be just a whore whose time and body he'd bought for a couple of hours, still I barely restrained myself so as not to kill her. Insolent woman, she dared to embrace him, to latch with her lips on his neck, to stroke his shoulders, scratch his back, and moan and smile in delight, behind a closed door. How dared she to get that pleasure? It was me who was Raito's friend, his partner, his... who? That's right, I wasn't a lover or a beloved for him. The understanding of this simple fact passed my heated mind in a sharp cold that cooled the ardor, leaving a nasty sense of my own powerlessness.

And so, one night I decided to simply get drunk and somehow forget everything, if just for a couple of hours. I was irrevocably confused. It seemed I fell in love with a wrong person.

I sat at the table in our kitchen, pouring a fifth glass of whiskey for myself. That's when I heard the front door opening and closing. Raito came into the room, relaxed and satisfied as he usually was after sex. He adjusted his shirt, took a seat in front of me and, frowned slightly and asked:

"What's the matter?"

I grinned drunkenly, not really aware of my own actions, and screwed up my face.

"You reek of her," I said, draining the remains in my glass.

"I'm sorry, I'll shower later," he shrugged, pushing the bottle away when I tried to reach for it. "Lawliet, is something wrong?"

I was sick of him asking me if something was wrong. God damn, it was.

"Everything's wrong," I spat with incomprehensible rage and despair. "Give back the bottle."

Strangely, he pushed the bottle back to me, watching silently as I was shedding half of the liquid past my glass, cursing and muttering under my breath before pouring the glass down my throat and exhaling heavily.

"You are drunk," Yagami finally concluded.

"And you're so damn observant!" I laughed, lifting my booze-hazy eyes to look at him. "... yet blind still."

"That's enough for you," he rose from his sit, lifting me by the shoulders and trying to put me on my feet. "Go to bed, you're going to have a tough morning."

"Don't touch me," I got angry and pushed him away. "I'm not a baby anymore."

"For god's sake, what's going on with you, Lawliet? Chill out," Raito frowned, watching me as I swayed from side to side.

"Chill out, huh?" I smiled crookedly, and with a confident though staggering gait stepped to him, forcing him to move until his back hit the wall. "But I can't, Raito..."

I stood so close to him, breathing in his air. Unwillingly, my eyes fell on his lips, and I licked mine subconsciously.

"You shouldn't have drunk so much, you're not used to alc..." I didn't let him finish. I kissed him with such a despair and dedication, clutching at his shirt with my fingers and pressing into his body, that he seemed to have frozen in a momentary stupor.

And then he hit me.

Who said that blood tasted salty? Nonsense. It was bitter. Yes, I was drunk, but the bitter taste of resentment on my broken lips I'd remember forever. And... what had I been hoping for? I'd known Raito wouldn't be overjoyed to learn about my feelings, and yet I'd made them known.

Next morning was much more worse. Tormented by a hangover, bruises on my cheek and lips, I felt scared. Scared that after yesterday's antics, Raito wouldn't want to even look my way, much less talk to me. But to my surprise, Yagami came into my room while I was laying sick on my bed, and, a little embarrassed, apologized for hitting me. He also said that he, probably, had misunderstood me because I'd been drunk and he, Raito, shouldn't have reacted so harshly.

"You weren't aware of your own actions, right?"

He was looking at me cautiously. I wanted to yell in his face that he got everything right, that what I'd done was the thing I'd been dying to do for months. But instead, I feigned an oblivious smile:

"And what happened yesterday?"

And then, with a secret sadness I watched Raito let out a sigh of relief, as if he'd received a confirmation of his self-deception.

"Nothing worth mentioning," his lips, the taste of which I remembered so clearly, stretched in a smile. "You shouldn't drink."

"You're right," I said, closing my eyes. "My head hurts and I don't remember a thing about yesterday..."

A lie. But Raito clearly wanted to hear just that.

Left alone in my room, I quite clearly realized two things. First: I seriously was in love, considering that I was ready to lie and sacrifice my desires in order to maintain Raito's peace of mind of fear of losing him. Second: Raito would never accept or understand my feelings.

And everything changed from that moment. I was still craving for him in every possible way, but my thirst for intimacy gave way to a something more powerful and profound that had almost tamed the physical attraction with one ridiculously simple wish – just to be around. To see him. To hear his voice. To smile at him and comply with his orders. To hate everyone who dared to make him angry. But I never interfered, because I knew Raito wouldn't be glad if I did. He could stand up for himself and didn't need my help.

Jealousy. It didn't go anywhere. And it was eating away at me. But I learned to comfort myself with the thoughts that none of Raito's sluts wasn't able to kiss him, none of them could go with him anywhere, none of them could talk to him about matters that concerned him, none of them could be of any help to him, none of them was the one he cared about. It seemed to mean so much and so little at the same time... But still I was harboring a vile envy of those whose "love" Raito was buying for a few hours, and I was ready to scream to the point of losing my voice to whisper hoarsely that I was there – ready to give him everything I had for free, ready to be better than any of his women, to give him something none of them could... But Raito didn't need my love. And I understood that so clearly, it hurt.

Two more months later I learned to love him silently. I didn't count on anything. Didn't expect anything in return. Didn't betray my feelings. Perhaps, at times my eyes seemed a little too sad but I carefully hid that from him behind the bangs of my hair. Still, I could talk to him, could live with him. Wasn't that more than enough? It wasn't in my nature to give up on anything, but, as it turned out, I had no control over this situation. Calculations, strategies, plans that I so often helped Raito to make – all of that became useless before the most common of feelings.

Day after day I worried about him. Suddenly I truly realized how dangerous his business was. When he took me on fights and attacks, I pained to quietly preserve, protect and minimize the possibility of damage of the most important person in my life. And prayed no one could hear a sigh of relief I let out when seeing him safe and sound after each fight.

One day I saw him talking to Namikawa on the phone. He had a sincere smile on his face – and seeing that warmed my heart. Raito then beckoned me to come closer, and after hanging up the phone he said excitedly:

"Reiji's going to have a wedding party in a week. I don't think you have appropriate attire."

"No, I don't like wearing a suit," I shrugged.

"That's a pity, but for this occasion you're going to wear a suit whether you like it or not," he smirked.

"Yes, boss," I sighed, and then asked: "Where should I buy it?"

"Let's see..." he appeared to be deep in thoughts for a few moments before saying with a frown on his face: "Actually I'd like to go with you to pick you a suit, because you always seem to choose something that hangs like a sag on you."

I shrugged my shoulders again. After all, there was no point in telling Yagami that I never cared to try on clothes before buying them. Raito sighed.

"But I have errands planned for this whole week, and you have night shifts, so it seems we won't be able to go anywhere together..."

I stayed silent, waiting for him to make a decision. Suddenly his face lit up and I knew he had a plan.

"Listen, Lawliet, my fiancée arrives tomorrow, so you might as well both go shopping, I'm sure she'll love this idea," he smiled.

"...What?" I stared at him.

A fiancée? But when? How's that I'd never seen or even heard of her for the six years that I spent with Raito?

Questions filled my head like a tidal wave, and I suddenly felt dizzy and nauseous. I could barely hear Raito's explanation, too busy feeling as something unbearably heavy was slowly crushing me down.

"I forgot I've never told you about her. You see, Misa works as a model and actress abroad, so we don't have many chances to see each other."

Every word he spoke pained me, like I was getting stripped off my skin and covered in a hot, molten wax.

"Since when?" I barely murmured, picturing a stunningly beautiful woman in my head.

"Well..." Yagami seemed to hesitate for a second. "It's been eleven years since our engagement."

"...Why?"

He sighed deeply, a frown of discontent on his forehead.

"You see, I was only twenty when your father chose me as his successor. Barely legit, a kid in the eyes of everyone else. He realized that very well, and made it a condition that I married, or at least engaged before he proclaimed me the new leader of the clan. He suggested that people would start seeing me as a serious and responsible man after I did that. Back then I was dating a girl from the school I used to go to, so I agreed with his terms. I would be stupid to miss such an opportunity, wouldn't I?" he looked at me, as if seeking for my consent. Still dumbfounded, I nodded. "Long story short, I proposed to her and she gladly agreed. After that I became the oyabun and, to be honest, all but forgot about her. But, as you might guess, _she_ didn't forget about me, and kept interfering with my business. It was very disgruntling, and for some time I didn't know what I was supposed to do with her and the family business pressing on me from each side. And then I remembered how she used to tell me she wanted to become an actress but nobody would produce her. So, I pulled some strings, and voilà – she's a celebrity, too busy to even meet with her fiancé, and too famous to marry a notorious person like me."

He finished his speech and cautiously looked at me, as though he was expecting me to start preaching about him being unfaithful or using the girl.

"Well..." I said, blinking slowly. "It was a fair deal. You got to be the leader of the family, and by means of that fulfilled her wish. Who knows, maybe it was she who used you."

Yagami laughed lightheartedly, looking at me with smiling eyes.

"That's why I love you, Lawliet, you can see positive sides in every situation," he said, smiling. "Misa arrives tomorrow, so I have to meet her in the airport. Would you mind coming along?"

"Of course not," I said, forcing a happy smile.

"And don't tell Misa anything about what we're currently busy with, alright? This concerns both work and women. It will be our little secret," he winked.

"Yes, boss."

I spent the night sleepless. I tried to figure out the reason this girl decided to visit Raito so suddenly, after at least six years of silence. And... I was scared that he, somehow, would come to love her, however stupid the notion was. _"Whatever happens,"_ I thought, _"I want Raito to be happy."_

It was early morning when we arrived to airport. The sky was still dark and wind was chilling me to the bone. I wrapped my light coat tighter around me and once again regretted not donning something warmer. I took a surreptitious look at Raito who seemed perfectly comfortable in his black woolen overcoat. He looked back at me with pity.

"You're trembling," he said. "Are you sure you don't want to borrow my coat?"

"I keep telling you I don't need it," I said angrily. It was the third time he asked me if I wanted to swap.

"I'm merely concerned for your health. If you get ill, you might miss Reiji's wedding."

"It's not like you're going to miss me there," I snarled. "You'll have your future wife and friends to keep you a company, won't you?"

"Gee, you're spiteful today. 'Future wife' sounds terrifying. Don't you know that getting married is my nightmare?"

"How would I know? Besides, I didn't force you to propose."

"Yes, you are absolutely right. But won't you miss our fantastic bachelor life if I get married?" he looked at me, serious.

I looked back, feeling my face turning hot under his gaze. I still didn't get used to his eyes.

"Well..." I began, but was interrupted by the noise of excited loud voices, hasty footsteps and rapid camera flicks. We both looked toward where the sounds were coming from and saw a rather large crowd of people who were holding posters and cameras in their hands.

"Looks like she's arrived," Raito concluded and signaled for me to follow him. "Won't do any good if they see us."

We moved away and waited for the reason of the fuss to show up. And soon she did. I watched her, curious and a bit suspicious. Raito's fiancée turned out to be a rather short blonde with frivolous manner of dressing and probable star-fever. She looked around in search of someone, and rather soon noticed us, starting to wave her hand excitedly.

"Fool," Raito snarled, quickly covering half of his face with his scarf and turning to leave the building. "I told her not to do that."

I put on my hood, slouched some more and followed him into the car that was waiting for us. After a few minutes of waiting, Misa joined us, leaving her bodyguards to deal with fans.

"Rai-chan!" she threw herself on my boss, latching on his lips. A violent desire to rip her off him and punch her in the face flared in me so brightly that I barely didn't succumb to it.

"Hello, Misa," he said when she stopped sucking the life away from him. "It's been awhile. How was your flight?"

She pouted her lips and rested her head on his shoulder.

"It was too long and I couldn't fall asleep. I'm exhausted now."

"Is that so," Yagami arched his eyebrow. "Well then, I planned to take you out so we could have a breakfast together, but it seems you need to sleep first. In what hotel you'll be staying?"

"A hotel?" she rounded her eyes, looking at him in surprise. "But I thought I was going to stay at your place."

"That's peculiar. I have clear recollections of telling you to book a room in a hotel," the tone of his voice remained courteous, but his gaze turned icy. "Is my memory correct, Misa?"

"Umm... Yes. I just thought I'd make you a surprise," she casted down her eyes.

"I'm sorry but it's not possible for you to stay with me," Raito said calmly and sighed. "That's why I warned you in the first place. Should I book a room for you? Where would you like to stay?"

"Why can't I stay at your apartment?" she folded her arms on her chest, offended. "You still live in that big, big house, don't you? There's plenty of space there, and I'm small, you won't even notice me!"

"I moved. There's only two bedrooms at my new place."

"Well, that's perfect! If you won't be in the mood to sleep with me, I can spend nights in the other bedroom."

"That's the problem, Misa. The other bedroom is already taken. And I am, quite frankly, not used to sharing my bed."

"You live with someone?" she gasped. "Is that a woman? A woman that you won't let sleep with you because you're not used to sharing your bed, so she has to sleep in another?"

I barely suppressed a laugh. Her conclusion seemed to have a ludicrous logic. Raito shook his head dejectedly:

"No, Misa, there are no women in my apartment. The person I share it with sits right in front of you."

For the first time she deigned to pay me attention. Her eyes seemed to scan over me from head to toes, and judging by the little grimace she made after she was done, I didn't impress her.

"This is Lawliet," Raito said. "he's my... personal helper."

"Nice to meet you," I told her, bowing my head. However, she kept silent, examining me. Finally she looked at Raito and asked:

"And why does your personal helper have to live with you? Do you really need his help 24/7? What kind of a help he can provide anyway?"

"Why don't you ask him? He's right here after all," Yagami grinned and secretly winked at me.

"So?" Misa looked at me.

"I have no other place to go," I told her honestly. "And Yagami-san was kind enough to let me live with him."

"So you're kind of a slave?" her eyes rounded in horror. "Poor thing, you do everything Rai-chan says for food and bed, right?"

"Tch. How could you even think of that? Of course I pay him for his work," Raito interfered, obviously indignant.

"But still, why does he..."

"He lives with me because his work requires that," Raito interrupted her. "End of discussion. A better question is where will you be staying?"

"At your place," Misa said confidently. "I'm curious to see what this boy does."

"I told you that was not possible."

"I'm your fiancée! I must be by your side!"

"Funny how you remembered this in just the right time," Raito scoffed. "I'm going to have a room booked for you."

"Fine! I'll still visit your place and stay there over night," she pouted.

I saw how Raito barely suppressed an urge to roll his eyes, and I smiled at him compassionately.

About half an hour later, we were having a breakfast in a cafe after leaving Misa in a hotel, despite her complaints and whining.

"What do you think of her?" Raito asked me.

"Do you want an honest answer?"

"Yes."

"She seems to be a bitch," I sighed and Raito laughed. "It's actually hard to believe you were dating her, much less that you're engaged to her."

"Misa wasn't like this back in the days. The last time I saw her was a year ago, and even then she didn't act so haughty. I have no idea what happened to her."

A year ago... So he was actually visiting her from time to time, unbeknown to me. Probably that's the reason he sometimes hadn't been around for a whole week.

"It seems you're still in love with her," I tried to feign a friendly smile.

"Don't be ridiculous. I have to keep an eye on her, so she won't do me harm," Yagami sighed.

Relief washed over me. I smiled again, this time sincerely.

"Why don't you break off the engagement then?"

He seemed to be at loss for a couple of seconds before answering:

"You know, it crossed my mind in the first few years after we got betrothed, but I was unsure if I could afford such step. And later I just completely forgot that I ever was engaged," he paused and then looked at me. "Do you want me to break it off with her?"

I kept looking in his eyes, once again drowning and dissolving in them. I tried my hardest not to sneak a peek at his lips, but couldn't help myself. God, how much I wanted for those lips to kiss me.

"That's up to you to decide... boss," I uttered hoarsely.

He smirked, not breaking the eye contact.

"Whatever you say... helper."

And I could swear, this moment his eyes lit up with a blaze of the same desire that's been tormenting me for so long.

* * *

A/N: It seems chapters are getting longer! I hope you enjoyed reading this and thanks for bearing with me and this story :D


	9. IX

** IX**

New week started with an unpleasant surprise. Since Raito was too busy with checking on enterprises that were under his control, he ordered me to watch over Misa. With purpose of not rising any suspicions in her, he said I shouldn't pose as a super spy secretly following her everywhere, but serve her as a guide instead.

"Try to act friendly. I know it's going to be hard, but not impossible, right?" he said before leaving me near the hotel in which Misa was staying.

I was appalled by the task and watched his car driving away, promising that I'd remember this to him someday. Then I heard clacking sounds of high heels against asphalt and turned to face Misa who was standing right behind me. By the look on her face I could tell she wasn't exactly pleased to see me.

"Where's Rai-chan?" she asked, skipping the greeting.

"He's busy."

"But he said I would have company today!"

"He probably meant me," I shrugged, shoving my hands in pockets. "Well, Misa-san, where would you like to go?"

She glared at me, not even trying to hide her displeasure.

"You mean I have to spend a whole day with _you_? This better be a joke."

"Unfortunately it's not," I said through gritted teeth. "My duty is to accompany you everywhere during your visit here. Or at least during this week."

"What?!" she drew aside instinctively. "I'll stay in my room then!"

"If you wish so."

It wasn't even a minute and I was already done with this girl. I turned and just when I was about to start walking towards my car, she stopped me, grabbing me by the elbow.

"On the second thought, I'd be awfully bored there. Besides, I kind of remembered that Rai-chan asked me to go shopping with you," she drawled.

"Splendid."

"You're so boring, Law..." she broke off, frowning her forehead in confusion. "What's your name again?"

"It's Lawliet," I said, getting into my car. "So, Misa-san, please get in and let's drive somewhere before we gather an army of your fans around us."

"Oh my!" she exclaimed. "I can't let them see me with someone like you!"

"And may I ask you what's so wrong with my appearance?" I looked at her, as she hurriedly sat in the backseat.

"Umm... Well... You... you look awful! I mean look at your hair and clothes – it's like you don't even care about them! Just don't take the gee, okay? You asked for it."

"I'm not offended," I told her calmly, starting the engine. Now I didn't even need to ask her where she would like to go – it was obvious that she would only shop in the most fashionable and high-end boutiques in the city. And so, I decided to take her to a district that was famous for having just what she needed.

Fifteen minutes of driving later, I noticed how she was staring at me through the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were seemingly examining me anew, and it was a little unnerving.

"You know," she said suddenly. "You don't look like any of Raito's boys I've met before. Too young. How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

Misa fell silent after that, but soon spoke again:

"You're not as bad as you seem to be at first sight... Actually, you're kind of pretty," I felt my cheeks heating up at her words while she went on expressing her opinion on me. "I'm serious! Look at your eyes – so big and round! You are too pale but that even suits you. Also it looks like you never even shave – your skin looks too tender and soft for that. And oh my gosh, you're so thin!"

"Thanks," I muttered. Not exactly the compliments I'd like to hear. I honestly tried to gain some weight, but it never worked out. And my bristle just wouldn't start growing, like I didn't even have those hair follicles on my face. And body. This matter had been disturbing for me couple of years ago, but eventually Raito had convinced me that it didn't matter how I looked. "I'm not super beefy or hairy too," he said back then. I remember I wanted to tell him that drawing analogies wasn't the same as adducing evidence, but in the end I decided not to argue. Well, maybe he didn't have the looks of a bodybuilder, but at least he had prominent muscles.

"I think you just need a makeover," meanwhile Misa was clapping her hands excitedly. "I'll be your personal stylist for today, this is going to be great!"

"I only need to buy a suit," I tried to remind her.

"Nonsense! You obviously are in a dire need of a new wardrobe! Don't worry, Lawliet, Misa will do her best."

And so, whole day I spent with her dragging me into dozens of shops and making me try on ridiculously tight clothes. She also wanted me to visit a hairdresser, but I was adamant on this matter. At least I could shove the new clothes into the depths of my closet, but what was I supposed to do with a new haircut? Unfortunately, Misa's obstinacy was on par with mine, so we spent at least ten minutes in front of a beauty salon, arguing with each other.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine with my hair."

"It looks so messy! You really need to have your hair cut!"

"No."

"Even for five centimeters?"

"No."

"Three?"

"No."

"At least let's have a professional take a look at your hair and give you some advice!"

"No. I'm fine."

"I'm going to tell Rai-chan that you were mean to me!"

"I'm not acting mean. I'm being just."

"Oh yeah? Well, Rai-chan's more likely to believe me, not you!"

I closed my eyes for a moment and just when I was about to tell her what I thought Raito's answer would be, my phone went off. Raito. Speak of the devil.

"How's it going? You're still alive?" I heard him saying.

"Barely."

"Hold on for a little longer. I'm coming home in twenty minutes," I could tell he was smiling. "Did you lunch?"

"No, and I'm a little hungry now," I told him quietly.

"Alright, I'll order something for us. How would you like Chinese cuisine?"

"Sounds good, but what about dessert?" I felt my lips stretching in a smile.

"Again, Lawliet? We've discussed your love for sweets already."

"Please?"

He sighed and said begrudgingly:

"Okay, just this once. And only because you had a rough day."

"Yay, thank you," I cheered quietly, glancing furtively at Misa. "Should I come alone?"

"Try," I could tell that he smirked. "And if you won't try hard enough, we'll be doomed to have a company tonight. You don't want that, do you?"

For some reason, when he was saying the last words, his tone sounded a little suggestive and I found myself blushing unwillingly.

"Well, Lawliet? Will you try your hardest?" he asked me.

"Yes, boss."

"Good. Come home soon," he said before hanging up.

I put my phone back into the pocket of my jeans, smiling like an idiot. That was until Misa tugged at my sleeve, looking at me suspiciously.

"Was that Raito? Can I meet him already?" she asked.

"No, it wasn't him."

"Really? Then who else you call 'boss'?"

"That's confidential. Yagami-san doesn't let me talk about such matters," I shrugged and started walking towards my car.

"Wait!" Misa hurriedly followed me. "You talked about some dessert and grinned and blushed all the way through your conversation! Doesn't look like you were talking to someone from your management. Tell me the truth, Lawliet, was it Raito? He doesn't want to see me?!"

"It wasn't him."

"Then who?" she stomped her leg and I stopped in my tracks.

"Alright, if you insist... I was talking to my girlfriend," I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

"You call your girlfriend 'boss'?" she arched her eyebrow sceptically. "What kind of a pervert are you?"

"I'm not a pervert."

"Then you are a liar! And a bad one!"

"Okay, okay!" I raised my voice a little just so she would hush. "I did lie..."

"I knew that!"

"Actually that was my boyfriend. I'm gay," I said, praying she'd buy this half-lie. "We do this role play, so... you know."

Misa blinked at me a couple of times, bewildered.

"Are you... serious?" she whispered, bringing her hand to cover her mouth. I nodded. I could almost see her mind working at full speed, clicking all the pieces together. "Oh... oh...that's why you're so..."

I waited a couple of seconds more before sighing and making pleading eyes at her.

"Please, don't tell anyone, especially Yagami-san... I've been trying so hard to keep this a secret..."

Misa nodded with a shadow of doubt in her eyes.

"So... err... that means you're now going on a date?"

"Yes," I tried my hardest to appear embarrassed. "I'll just take you back to your hotel and be on my way."

"Okay," Misa nodded again, getting into the car.

I could almost read all the questions that were forming in her head while we were driving back to the hotel. Who was my boyfriend, what was his name, how could I live with another man, was Raito save from my advances, and so on. I smirked secretly. This little lie gave her so much to ponder about, that she didn't even think of asking me to show her my incoming calls. Because if she did, I'd have been doomed.

When I finally got back home, hands full of bags, I slammed the front door shut and leaned on it, absolutely exhausted. One day with Misa was worse than six hours of non-stop training under Raito's guidance.

"Welcome back, hunky! You're just in time," I heard Raito's voice, and soon he showed up but froze dead in his tracks as soon as he saw me. "What's with your outfit?"

"You're not even going to ask if Misa's with me?" I kicked off my new (and highly uncomfortable) shoes and walked into the kitchen, leaving the shopping bags near the door. "I think I got a blister on my foot."

Raito followed me, carefully examining my new look. I sat at the table and stared back at him.

"What?"

"Your clothes. Have you decided to become a fashion icon or something?" he eyed me suspiciously. "And dammit, Lawliet, how many times do I have to tell you to speak to me with proper respect?!"

I looked down at my skin-tight acid washed jeans and pullover with weird vibrant print. Then I glared at my boss.

"It's actually your fault I look like this."

He seemed to ponder for a few moments before he sighed and sat down in front of me.

"I should have guessed she'd do that to you," Raito began unpacking the meal he ordered. "She becomes crazy when she sees an opportunity to make someone look pretty."

"And do I look pretty now?" I asked, sombre.

"Now you look like you're desperate for attention," he smirked. "Though Misa did a good job, I give her that. Are you going to look like this all the time now?"

"No," I frowned, taking my chopsticks. "Everyone was staring at me. And someone even grabbed me by the ass couple of times."

"Did they?" Raito laughed.

"Do I really have to escort her? Maybe you could give this task to somebody else?"

"No, Lawliet. I want you to keep an eye on her. The more time you spend with her, the more open she becomes. I'm not quite sure about Misa's affairs here, so I'd like you to see if you can discover something, no matter what it's going to cost you," he looked at me, serious. "Though, if someone grabs your ass again, please kick them."

"Alright," I smiled and paused. "Do you think she's planned something bad?"

"No, but someone else could be using her. Better safe than sorry, right?" he seemed to become thoughtful but quickly shook his pensiveness off. "Come on, eat before everything cools down. There's a big surprise waiting for you in the fridge."

"Is that a cake?" I asked, excited.

"Yep. And the one you like the most – with strawberries and whipped cream."

"You're spoiling me."

"You deserve that," he smiled and I couldn't do anything but to smile back at him. "But I expect you to visit a gym this weekend. The hours you'll spend there depend on the quantity of pieces of cake you will eat."

I wasn't even surprised. After all, boss always had sadistic inclinations.

* * *

Next five days turned into one irksome adventure. I had to follow Misa everywhere and most of times I had to do things she was doing. Waiting for her while she was giving an interview for some TV channel or magazine, or watching her from a car while she was signing autographs wasn't very bad. But every time she dragged me into a beauty salon to get her manicure done or to go through other stupid procedures, I honestly pondered over killing the girl. Because I had to do all the things she was doing. The worst part of it though was that she kept bombarding me with questions about my "boyfriend". And so, she learned that my imaginary lover's name was Tadao, that he was twenty three years old, worked as a manager in bank, that I started dating him two months ago, and that he was into rather kinky stuff.

She seemed genuinely interested in my love life, and kept telling me that I was ought to thank her for making me "pretty". I prayed that she wouldn't mess up and accidentally mention this "boyfriend" to Raito. She promised to keep this a secret but for obvious reasons I didn't believe her.

On the other hand, for all the time I spent with her, I didn't notice anything strange or out of ordinary. She seemed to be yet another empty-headed star, worried only about keeping her wrinkles and weight under control. The only thing that drew my attention was that one day I heard her talking to some man named Shingo. I remember wondering if that could be Midou, but it wasn't like there was only one Shingo in Tokyo, so I dismissed the thought. I still mentioned it to Raito, of course, but didn't receive any assignments concerning that matter.

All in all, the week passed uneventfully and soon came the day of Namikawa's wedding. I put on my suit and together with Raito and Misa drove to the mansion where the ceremony was being held.

Stepping out of the car, I followed Raito and Misa to the main entrance doors that were heavily guarded by men in black suits. Once inside, I looked around, appraising beautifully done decorations that were all around.

"Is this Reiji-san's house?" I asked Raito while we were walking through the crowd of people.

"No, he rented this mansion for the wedding," boss replied me, looking around. Then he turned to look at me and said: "I'm going to find Reiji and Shingo, you stay here with Misa, or if you'd like to, you can just walk around and have fun, alright?"

"Yes, boss."

I watched Raito until I lost the sight of him among other guests. Glancing at my right, I noticed Misa cheerfully greeting some people. I scowled, thinking that I'd had enough of her, and instead of following Raito's fiancée I decided to look around.

If I didn't know that, I wouldn't be able to tell it was one of yakuza leader's wedding – everything screamed of romance, starting from white lilies and pink balloons that decorated the place, and ending with sentimental classical music that was being played by invited musicians.

After ten minutes of wandering around I started to feel bored. I'd already had a taste of different sweets from a bar and just didn't know what else to do. Besides, it was very noisy all around, people kept laughing and conversing to each other, sometimes pushing and elbowing me. I was just making my way to the backyard to get some fresh air, when someone spilled their drink on me. It was Takada.

"Lawliet, I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed, looking at my now stained shirt.

"That's okay, Takada-san, don't worry," I muttered.

"It's a wonder how clumsy you may be," familiar voice snarled.

"Get lost, Teru," I frowned, walking past him.

I glanced to the side just in time to see Raito talking to Reiji with a smile on his face. I sighed. What if someday I would have to attend _his_ wedding? There was a painful twinge in my chest at the thought, and I grabbed a glass of champagne from one of the waiters that were bustling around. Taking a sip, I closed my eyes just to look at him again a second later. At some point it seemed that he was also looking at me. But it was probably just my imagination.

My eyes fell a bit further, on Midou. He was hurriedly moving towards the main doors, but what caught my interest was that Misa seemed to follow him. I put the glass down and went after them, suddenly intrigued. When they went past the front doors, Midou stopped to look around and I hid behind the backs of people around me. Shingo then grabbed Misa by the hand and disappeared behind the fence. I immediately ran after them, afraid to lose their sight. Slipping through people, I saw them running down the street, away from the mansion, apparently in a hurry. Without thinking, I followed them. When they were about sixty feet away, they stopped, as though waiting for something. I looked around and decided to hide in the dense foliage of the nearby shrubbery, to creep closer to them and eavesdrop on their conversation. Soon an expensive looking car arrived, and the backseat window pulled down. I couldn't see a face of the man that was talking, but at least I could hear his voice:

"Well, how is it?"

"They suspect nothing. Most of the guests are already drunk. My men wait for the signal. Namikawa and Yagami are also there, of course," Midou reported.

"Hm, Yagami came too, what a surprise. I thought he was more careful."

"I assured both Namikawa and him that there was nothing to be worried about. Besides, he couldn't skip his best friend's wedding," Midou laughed.

"What about his sidekick?"

"Huh? You mean Raito's boy?" Misa giggled. "Of course he's there with him."

"Alright, get in and give signal to start fire."

I froze. Midou just sentenced everyone in the mansion. I had to prevent whatever they planned from happening, otherwise everyone would be dead in a matter of minutes. Were Midou's people only in security, or were they among guests, too? How many of them anyway? How were they armed? I had no answers to these questions, and I didn't really need them. The main objective was not to let those people attack. Or at least to warn Raito so he could do something.

Misa and Midou both got inside the car, and immediately the vehicle drove away. I snatched out my phone, hurriedly dialing Raito's number while running back to the mansion.

"Boss!" I cried as soon as he picked up. "There's going to be an attack, _now_!"

I didn't hear his answer. The moment I said the last word, I heard a series of gunshots and cries of terror coming from the mansion. A second later a loud explosion resounded. The call got cut off. Looking up I saw white smoke that was pouring out of the windows, and then burst of shots rang out again.

"No," I whispered, running as fast as I could.

When I was few feet away, I saw two men that were left to guard the entrance. Both of them had guns while I was completely unarmed. _"You have almost no chances against an armed enemy. Use everything you can think of, but most of all don't hesitate to make use of every advantage you have. You will have just one chance,"_ I remembered Raito's lessons.

Just one chance... Cussing under my breath, I decided to take the guards by surprise. As soon as one of the man turned his head away from me, I pounced on him, driving his head to the ground. I then snatched his gun and sent three shots into the other guard before he understood what was going on. I looked down at the man below me. He was quickly coming back to his senses and so I hit the temple of his head with the gun.

I picked up second gun and ran inside the house. The impact of the explosion was more than visible: there were cracks on the walls and ceiling, people were laying on the floor in pool of each others blood, some unconscious and some bearing such injuries that it was clear they were dead.

My heart was racing in my chest as I ventured further and further, checking every room on my way. I tried dialing Raito's number, but he never answered. The thought that he might be dead was nauseating and ridiculous. He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't.

Strangely enough, there were no guards on my way, and the securities I met were laying lifeless. I managed to make it to a big dining room without having to kill someone.

Suddenly, someone's hand descended on my shoulder and I almost yelped.

"Shh, be quiet," a voice behind my back whispered. I turned around and saw Kiyomi. She appeared to be badly battered, with dust covering her dress and blood trickling down her cheek. I looked at her hand and saw that she was holding a gun. Well, at least seeing that explained the lack of living enemies.

"Takada-san, you survived... Where's Raito?" I whispered back.

"I'd like to know that too. The last time I saw him, he and Namikawa were in the courtyard."

We quietly crept into the dining room, hiding behind tables and sofas. There were about ten men in the room with us. For the first time in my life I felt so scared. While we'd been crawling on the floor, I'd counted at least thirty dead bodies. And now I was hiding behind an overthrown sofa, praying that Raito wasn't among those corpses.

Takada shocked me when she turned up from her hiding place and started firing at the enemies. She ducked back from retaliatory shots almost immediately, and I sprang into action too, firing my guns before they could realize Kiyomi wasn't alone.

I ducked back down, hiding from gunshots. Some of the bullets the men sent at me pierced holes in the sofa. Then everything quieted down and I heard hasty footsteps. Before I realized it, the only guard left alive came up to me, aiming his gun at my head.

"Peekaboo," he scowled.

I aimed my gun at him and pulled the trigger. It clicked emptily in my hand. No ammo. It took me a second to realize just how screwed I was, and this precious second was the time enough for the man to leave me no escape. I panicked, pressing my back into the sofa.

"Lawliet!" I heard Kiyomi crying out to me. The grin on man's face widened, but suddenly an arm wrapped around his neck from behind, choking him. Moving as fast as I could, I crawled away opportunely, just before his fingers spasmed, eliciting few random shots from his gun. I turned around at the right time to see no other than Mikami slashing the guard's neck with his dagger. The man then fell down, still clutching at his now sliced open throat.

"Teru," I exhaled, looking at him with wide eyes. "Thanks."

"Yeah, right," he scowled, frowning.

"Mikami, good to see you in one piece. Have you seen Raito?" Kiyomi stepped to us, looking more worried than I'd ever seen her before.

"No," he said begrudgingly, wiping his dagger off of blood. "I wasn't here when everything began."

"Where were you?" I asked, standing up, tossing my empty gun aside and picking up another.

"I saw you suddenly dashing away from the house, and I couldn't help but wonder what was so urgent that you'd left the party. I decided to follow, but lost the sight of you as soon as I was out on the street. So I wandered around for a bit, looking for you, and then I heard the explosion. What a coincidence," he glared at me.

"It's Midou," I gritted my teeth. "Midou and Amane. They were talking to someone before they sat with them in a car and drove away."

"Oh really? Can you prove that?" Mikami narrowed his eyes.

For a moment I just stared at him, shocked.

"If you suspect me, why did you save my life?" I finally managed to utter.

"Traitors are not allowed to die so easily," he stepped closer to me, grabbing me by the collar.

"You're bloody crazy, Teru," I said, looking him in the eyes. "We don't have time for another of your foibles right now."

"As well as we don't have time for your stupid excuses," he hissed and raised his hand, getting ready to hit me in the face.

"Mikami, stop," I heard Kiyomi's voice.

"No," he growled, shaking me in his hands. "This bastard ruined everything!"

"Stop, that's an order!" Kiyomi yelled at him, trying to pull his hands off me.

She almost succeeded with her task but in the last moment Teru managed to hit me hard in the nose. Something crunched and I felt warm blood spilling down on my lips.

"Let go of me, Takada-san! I will fucking murder him!" Teru yelled in a cracked voice, trying to pry Kiyomi's hands off him.

"Teru. Be quiet."

All three of us turned to look at the source of the voice. There, in an arch doorway stood Yagami and Namikawa.

"Boss," I gasped, examining him. Raito was covered in a thin layer of white dust and there were few blood stains on his suit. Other than that he looked unharmed, and I felt as if a load had been taken off my chest. My eyes then fell on Reiji who was holding someone in his arms. Someone in a white gown which was marred with red splatters. Namikawa held his head down, so it was impossible to make out his face.

We fell silent, dreadful comprehension dawning on us. I suddenly felt very cold, as if all the warmth that was in my body had left me.

"Lawliet," Raito said then. I looked at him, trembling involuntary. "Who?"

I understood what he meant – who did that? My eyes once again darted to look at Namikawa, who was still holding the body of his wife in his hands. I opened my mouth, trying to say the needed words, only to find that my throat was too dry to speak. I shook my head mutely.

"Who, Lawliet?" Raito persisted. He came closer to me and shook me by the shoulders. "You saw them, didn't you? You warned me. You knew."

Never before had I seen him that desperate and livid at the same time. The pupils of his eyes seemed to had shrunk, there was a deep indent between his eyebrows, and his lips turned into a thin line.

"Midou..." I finally said, after a long moment of tense silence. "Midou and Amane."

"There was someone else with them," Kiyomi cut in quietly. The grasp of Raito's hands on my shoulders tightened. "Lawliet told us that Shingo and Misa talked to someone and then departed in their car. Just before everything went down."

"Higuchi..." Reiji suddenly uttered. "No one else would dare to do this."

"Fucking jerk," Raito hissed, hanging his head down.

Few moments we spent in a complete and utter silence. Then Namikawa turned around and started walking towards the mansion's exit, still holding his wife in his arms.

"Reiji," Raito said in a warning tone.

The latter stopped but immediately resumed walking, not turning to look at my boss.

"I'm sorry, Raito," he said quietly. "You know what this means."

I saw that Yagami wanted to say something but nonetheless he kept silently watching Namikawa until he was no longer to be seen.

"Is he going to..." Kiyomi began saying, but got cut off by Raito.

"Takada, call our people."

"You're not going to meddle with this war right now, are you?" she asked, stepping closer to him. "Let's just stop him while we can! This is crazy!"

"This is what must be done, Kiyomi. While we're talking, Higuchi's people are attacking Namikawa's headquarters. He knows that just as well as I do. He won't be able to resist them alone, and I will not let him die,"Raito responded in a tone that brooked no argument.

"You're crazy, too. I am surrounded by psychos!" Takada groaned.

I silently watched Raito, who had a dark precision on his face. And somehow I had a very bad feeling about what was going to come next.


	10. X

**X**

Everything happened just as Raito had predicted. Higuchi's people had attacked Namikawa's headquarters indeed, and by the time we arrived to our destination point there were very few of Reiji's people left alive. The premises turned into a battlefield, with flames and black smoke rising to the skies from open windows of a half-ruined building, and maimed corpses lying haphazardly on the ground. I didn't have time to really process all the gruesomeness of the scene, since just as our car was getting closer, the enemies started shooting. We got out of the vehicle, hiding behind it and firing back at those men. There wasn't time to divert my attention on anything else, and it was soon that I was left alone behind our car and didn't even notice that.

Some time later there were no more shots sent my way, and I peeked out cautiously, observing surroundings. It seemed that it was safe to venture further. I was racing to the entrance of the building when in my peripheral vision I saw Mikami, who was in a fight with three thugs. The thugs, probably, had wasted all of their ammo, because they had metal pieces of debris in their hands, guns laying now useless on the ground. And it was obvious that Mikami wasn't able to rebuff them alone.

I watched him for a couple of seconds. His movements were fast still, but it seemed he was growing tired, for he was barely dodging the attacks in time. I picked up a long piece of metal scrap that was laying at my feet and rushed over to him. Don't know what motivated me to do that at the moment, but I couldn't stay away.

"What the hell?!" Mikami exclaimed, indignant, when he saw me next to him, just when I was parrying a strike that would have made his hand useless for a long while.

"That's my thanks for helping you?" I asked, drawing attention of one of the goons onto myself.

"I didn't ask for help," he spat angrily.

"You didn't need to," I cut short, and shot my opponent.

"Fuck!"

Mikami fell on the ground from a powerful strike that had been delivered by one of the thugs. He was clutching at his head and groaning in pain. His enemy, breathing heavily, took advantage of that and brought his rod at him. The young man opened his eyes in horror and tried to crawl away, but a kick in the stomach didn't let him do that.

"Mikami!"

I cried out, and rushed straight at the goon. Leaping on his back, I delivered a series of short hits on the base of his skull and his throat. The brute staggered and dropped the metal rod that landed inches away from Teru's face. As I was going to check on Mikami's wound, I remembered about the last remaining thug. He was just about to strike a blow at me, and if not for Mikami's cry "Behind you!", I would have been laying dead. Parrying the hit and slipping behind the enemy, I kicked his back, hard, and shot him the next moment. The man fell on the ground, doubtlessly dead. I inhaled deeply, looking over the scene before staggering to Teru and falling on my knees beside him.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay. Been through worse," he said hoarsely and doubled over, coughing. Wiping a thin track of blood from his chin, Mikami looked at me. "Do I owe you now?"

"I suppose we're even. You've already saved my life today."

"Just to kill you myself," he grinned. "But otherwise, you'd be dead."

"Indeed," I smiled for some reason. "Thank you."

And for the first time Mikami's eyes seemed to become warmer and a smile touched his lips. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"The fight is not over yet. There's no time to relax."

"Then what the fuck are you doing chilling out here?"

Mikami's words were habitually rude, but I couldn't hear the hatred that usually imbued them anymore. Grinning, I helped Teru to get up and together we made it inside the building. It didn't take us long to stumble at another fight. Judging by the looks of it, we were going to win: there were about ten enemies left alive. Just when I was going to join the battle, someone's desperate cry made me freeze in place.

"Reiji!"

Racing towards the cry, I saw Namikawa fighting with four men that captured him in a ring. Just as he disposed of the one who stood right in front of him, he swiftly turned and shot two of the delinquents at his sides. The last of the offenders kicked his back and Reiji fell on his knees, dropping the gun he was holding. I saw then him sending a quick glance at my boss who was a few meters away. Raito nodded and tossed one of his pistols to Namikawa, letting the man finish his fight. Reiji caught the gun, smiled at Raito and then a shot rang.

I stood still, watching as the smile on Reiji's lips faded, his eyes obtaining a surprised expression. The next moment his body fell on the floor. The man behind his back came into view, grinning victoriously. I couldn't move and just stood there, looking at Namikawa and expecting him to stand up. He couldn't be dead, right? It was all a trick, there was no other explanation. Time seemed to had stopped. Namikawa was laying still, his face against the floor, and there was a rapidly growing puddle of blood beneath his body. Slowly, ever so slowly, I turned my eyes to look at my boss. Yagami stood frozen, staring at his friend's body. A strong tremor was visibly shaking him, his blades fell from his hands and the look at the dead comrade was full of despair.

"Reiji... No, it can't be..."

"Boss!" I yelled, noticing a thug that was running directly at him. But I was too late with my warning, and the thug brought Raito down on the floor.

I rushed over to him. Blinded with fear, I didn't even comprehend my own actions, fighting the man with all my strength. The only thought that was running through my mind over and over was to save Raito and not let him fall.

When the delinquent was laying dead, I stumbled down on my knees beside my boss. That's when the sirens of police cars resounded somewhere in the distance.

"Everyone! Retreat!" I heard Kiyomi crying.

"Boss, we need to get out of here immediately," I said, not recognizing my own shaking voice.

"Namikawa is dead... he's dead... Where's Midou? Namikawa..."

Realizing that boss was in shock after what had happened, I pulled myself together and firmly grasped his arm, helping him to get up. After picking up his katanas, I stumbled outside with boss leaning on me, completely limp. Mikami helped me to get him inside the car, and I slowly lowered Raito on the backseat. He was unconscious.

"We need to drive back before the police get here," I told Teru and got in the driver's seat, starting the engine. "Get in."

Thankfully we got out of there just in time, and now were heading down the road without police cars chasing us. I decided to bring Raito back home and not to the headquarters. Teru, who was sitting in the seat next to me, glanced at boss' reflection in the rare-view mirror.

"What happened to him?" he asked. "Was he wounded?"

"I didn't have time to check... After Namikawa was killed, he seemed to get in a stupor, and then he just blacked out."

"Namikawa's dead?.." Teru asked quietly, to which I just nodded. Mikami's gaze turned gloomy. "Shit..."

I didn't find what to tell him in response and tightened my grasp on the steering wheel. After a few more minutes Teru looked at me bewildered:

"Have you forgotten the way to the headquarters? You've missed a turn there."

"I'm not driving him to the HQ. We're going home."

"Home, huh? What if he needs medical tending? Do you think you can handle that? Besides, we will need him. He has to give orders, you know. Midou's betrayal marked the start of a war," he looked at me, suddenly serious. "Now we need him more than ever."

I slowed down the car and looked at Mikami with doubt.

"I don't think his emotional state will allow him to give sane orders."

"That's none of your business," Teru looked back at me. "He's the head of the clan. He is responsible for his orders and for his people. You're not the one to take him away from his duties just because you're worried about his mental problems."

"I know that," I frowned. I didn't want to admit it, but Mikami was right. No matter how I was against it, I had to bring Raito back to his people. I couldn't have him all to myself indeed.

"Can you even imagine how worried Takada will be?" Teru kept persisting. "She can yell and argue with him all she wants, but she loves him. As all of us do. You're not the only one, you see."

His words left a nasty imprint on me. For some reason that moment it felt like Mikami knew exactly about my feelings towards Raito. He was gazing at me, the feeling of something all too familiar burning in his eyes. The feeling that had been suffocating me each time I'd seen Raito flirting with women. Jealousy.

I turned my face away from him.

"Alright. I'll drive to the headquarters."

It was night when everything had more or less but settled down. Yagami was put in a bed in a small room that was hidden behind a closet in his office. We also had him examined by a doctor who told us that we'd have to keep an eye on him for the next week. "It's a state of shock, " he said, "most probably caused by experiencing a trauma and/or physical overexertion." Aside from mental damage, he diagnosed Raito with mild concussion. I understood that such an outcome was only expected after everything that had happened that day, but still I couldn't help but panic upon looking at Raito's unusually pale face and blueish lips. And I wasn't alone who was feeling that way. Everyone was distressed with Raito taking to his bed, but to my surprise it was Takada who was handling the matter the worse. One moment she would start fretting, checking on Yagami every few minutes and panicking over the possible development of that day's happenings, another moment she'd try to think of some plan of destroying Higuchi, and a couple of times she even wanted to gather our people to "take a revenge on that fucking bastard" as she'd phrased it. I was deeply concerned with her behavior. While Raito was unavailable, we still needed a leader, the one who would not only make decisions but would also be wise with them. Couple of guys tried to make her listen to reason, but with her current state of mind it was simply impossible, seeing that she aimed a gun at anyone who dared to tell her to get some rest and sort everything out the next day. Thankfully, Kiyomi drained all of her strength by two o'clock in the night and fell asleep on a sofa. By that time almost everyone had left to their homes and the only people left in the headquarters were meant to stay at guard.

I looked at Kiyomi's sleeping figure and turned off the light before leaving the room she fell asleep in. I wished my brain would stop racing, too, and let me doze for a couple of hours. But some sort of a strange tension just wouldn't leave me and I decided that perhaps a shower would put some of it off me.

Twenty minutes later my decision proved to be a correct one. I stepped out of a steamy, hot shower cabin feeling both emotionally and physically wasted. After drying myself with a towel and putting my clothes back on, I quietly opened the door to Raito's room. Judging by his deep and peaceful breathing, he'd fallen asleep not even coming back to his senses. Stepping as quietly as I could, I moved an armchair to his bed and curled up in it, watching boss as he slept. I had to be there with him in case he'd wake up and need anything. I watched him for about an hour before I fell into slumber myself, lulled by quietness and darkness.

It seemed that mere minutes had passed when I awoke to a feeling of somebody's intent stare. Blinking slowly, I focused my eyes on the bed in which Raito was laying. His eyes were half-closed but he certainly was awake, watching me.

"Boss?" I whispered.

Due to the darkness surrounding us, I couldn't see him well at all, but nevertheless I was certain that he kept looking at me, staying silent as though he hadn't even heard me.

"Boss... Do you need something? Should I bring you some water?" I asked him, raising my voice a little.

There was silence again. It lasted for a few moments that seemed to drag on for unholy hours, but eventually Raito blinked once and then closed his eyes. I stared at him for a couple of seconds more before I understood what he meant – he wanted for me to leave. As much as I didn't want to leave him alone in his current doubtful state, I let out a silent sigh and stood up. As I was tip-toeing my way to the door, Raito startled me:

"Lawliet."

He said my name in his usual voice – confident and commanding. I turned around and gave him a questioning look.

"Stay."

A little relieved, I walked back to the chair and curled up in it again, looking at my boss.

"Talk to me, Lawliet," he said, closing his eyes.

His request got me a little confused. What was I supposed to talk to him about? At the moment the only thing I could think of was his wellbeing, but for some reason I was hundred percent certain that he didn't want to talk about that.

"What do you want me to talk about?" I asked hesitantly.

"You ask me? Come on, Lawliet. How are you going to get a girl if you can't even think of a topic?"

"Well... uh..." I struggled to think of an interesting question. Was I supposed to ask him about his childhood? That's when I suddenly discovered that even though I knew all about current him, I still knew very little of his past. "It might be an unexpected question, but I've figured I've never before asked you about that... What actually led you to become yakuza?"

Raito turned his head and gave me a curious look.

"Why? Do you expect to hear a weepy story? If that's the case, you probably won't be disappointed. I was raised in an orphanage and when I was ten years old, I decided to ran away. A few weeks I spent out in the street until I met people that offered me food and money in exchange for a rather dirty work. You can guess what happened next," he closed his eyes for a moment. "I was lucky enough to meet your father while I still was a kid, and thankfully he made me finish my education. For that I am grateful. Before you ask me anything more concerning this matter, know that I do not regret anything."

"But what exactly were you doing when you just started? You invited me in the family when I was twelve, and back then I was absolutely helpless... Weren't you the same?"

"I was. I couldn't fight or kill, and so my only use was in being a bait, dealing with junkheads and cleaning mess. That's why I call it 'dirty work'," he smirked.

"I see," I mumbled. "Can I ask one more question?"

"Go on."

"Did you have a mentor?" I asked and froze waiting for his reply. I watched Raito's face screw up, as though he was reminded of something highly unpleasant.

"Yes, I had. And be so kind to never touch this matter again."

"Alright..." I trailed off but started again. "That tattoo of a tiger you have on your back, is it the only one?"

"Yes."

"Why? Other guys have their whole bodies inked!"

"I'm not like them, am I?" he looked at me sternly but I could see playful sparkles in his eyes. "Having excessive amount of tattoos seems plain tacky. I, for one, was against getting any of them on my skin, but as the oyabun was obliged to have at least one."

"Is that so?.. It's just I've been wondering when I will get my tattoo."

"Are you sure you want one?" he looked at me, obviously displeased.

"Well... Not really. I thought it would be nice to have something that would show my involvement in the family," I fidgeted under his gaze.

"Think again," Yagami told me simply.

I nodded, not knowing what else to say. Silence surrounding us was so complete, that I even heard ticking of Raito's watches that were laying on a nightstand beside his bed. I sneaked a surreptitious glance at Yagami. His eyes were closed again, there was an indent between his eyebrows and a pained frown distorted his lips. My heart squeezed painfully. The empathy I felt toward him was so encompassing and strong that sometimes I couldn't tell my feelings from his. And I knew that he'd tried to seek consolation in me, talking of little nonsense that neither of us really cared about. But what was shallow chat for him right now, when he was crushed with grief over the death of his friend?

"Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio..." Raito said suddenly and fell silent.

I stared. Was he... was he playing that game with me again?

When I had been a trainee, we'd frequently played a game of quotes. Raito would start it by randomly reading lines from a variety of poems and would break off in mid-sentence, while I was supposed to continue where he'd left.

I took a shaky breath:

"...a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times..."

"A thousand times..." Raito echoed. "Here hung..."

"...those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft."

A pained expression washed over Raito's face.

"Good..." he whispered. We shared another moment of silence before he asked in such a weak voice that I didn't recognize it: "Where is the body?"

My heart rapidly sank into the pit of my stomach, giving way to cold emptiness and fear. In our hurry to escape before police arrived, we'd left Reiji's body where he had fallen. I hadn't even thought of bringing Reiji with us, too dissipated on everything around.

"I'm sorry..." I said in a whisper, too scared to talk loudly.

He stayed silent, his face now void of any emotions at all. Finally, he parted his lips, uttering words:

"Did we lose the fight? When Reiji... fell, there weren't many people left, were there? What so urgent happened that everyone forgot about him?"

"We heard police coming and Takada-san ordered for everyone to retreat. I... I am terribly sorry, boss... I can't tell you if we won or not. At that time all I could think about was to get you out of there. Alive."

"I understand."

He didn't say a word more for the rest of the night, and I stayed there with him, sudden feeling of guilt eating away and not letting me fall asleep again.

Raito stayed in bed for three days, even though he was vigorously against that confinement. It was Kiyomi who wouldn't let him go back to business, keeping an eye on him all the time and shouting at him occasionally. Thankfully, Raito was conscious all this time and could at least give orders to his people. And to no one's surprise his first order was to find Namikawa's body.

I was among those who were sent to scour the ruins of Namikawa's headquarters. And even though I very well remembered the place where I saw Reiji's body last time, I found nothing. Just like everyone from our group. When we returned and reported of the search results, Raito's face gone grim. He demanded to bring his cell phone and made a call. I didn't know who he was talking to, but after about half an hour a man in a gray suit arrived to our headquarters. Following my boss' order, I escorted the man to the room where Raito was laying, studying his appearance for any signs of threat. The man looked to be around Raito's age. He had black hair, bangs of which were falling on his forehead, round brown eyes, and a rather meek, sheepish expression on his face. I opened the secret door in Raito's office and led the man inside.

"Yagami-kun!" the man gasped as soon as he saw Raito laying in his bed.

"Hello, Matsuda," boss replied, waving his hand sluggishly. I snuck a quick glance at him. Yagami was already looking better, or perhaps he was just doing great job at hiding his grief.

Meanwhile, Matsuda came closer to Raito's bed and sat at the chair that was still standing beside it. The two men shared a moment of silence.

"I know what happened," Matsuda finally said, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry for your loss. As far as I know, Reiji was a good friend of yours. My condolences to you."

"That's not just my loss, Matsuda. The family lost a member. All of us mourn for our brother."

"Yes..."

Raito's face grew darker. He suddenly frowned and made a pained grimace.

"Ah, stop pretending to feel depressed. You're a bad actor, I told you that thousands of times. I know that you are secretly glad that Reiji's not with us anymore."

"Well..." Matsuda paused for a second. "I admit that I feel relieved about the fact of his death, but nevertheless my heart pains to see you suffering the consequences."

"At least you're being honest. You know why I asked you to come, don't you?"

"Uh... About that... I don't think I can help you anymore, Raito-kun," Matsuda said, hanging his head down.

"Nonsense."

"No," Matsuda shook his head. "Do you know how much of a havoc you caused by your stupid shoot-out? A little less than hundred of people are dead, and some of them were civilians. The police aren't going to simply turn a blind eye to this case."

"And do you know what really happened?" Raito stared at him with frighteningly cold eyes. "Do you even know that it was Reiji's wedding that day? Do you know that they murdered Reiji's wife just as she was walking to the altar? Do you know how it felt like to just stand there while he was holding her body? Do you know that it was our friend, who brought all of that on us? Do you now understand what that 'shoot-out' was about?"

With each word he spoke, his voice was becoming more ringing with anger and desperation. Matsuda cringed.

"I understand... But police still need defendants. I can't hush it up."

"I ask you not to close the case, but to give back Reiji's body. So that we could tell him farewell in a fashion that he deserves. Do me this favor. Please."

"Raito..." Matsuda looked at him with hurt eyes. "As much as I want to help you, I can't. We need his body. You should know that it's a part of the case. Court will demand it from us."

Raito stayed silent for a few moments.

"You just need a body. It's never been said that you need Reiji's, correct?"

"It goes without saying! Of course we need _his_ body, we can not..." he glanced at Raito who was staring at him with an obvious intention. Matsuda gasped. "No... Don't tell me you want to substitute Namikawa's body with someone's else!"

"That's exactly what I want to do."

"No! I won't let that happen!" Matsuda got so shocked that he even jumped off his chair. "That is too dangerous, for both of us! I will be killed if someone learns about that! Besides, coroners already know everything about Reiji and they are sure to notice the changes!"

"Coroners can be silenced with money. How much do they need? I am willing to give the amount to them. I am willing to provide you with another corpse that you will present as Reiji's."

"No! Nobody will do what you're offering, that's just insane!"

"Yes, they will. You don't know how much people do if they're offered enough money," Raito squinted his eyes, looking at the man. "Ah... I almost forgot. You will be paid more than enough for your help, too."

"What?.." Matsuda seemed to freeze, shocked with Yagami's words. "I never accepted money, you know that. I helped you because you are my friend. Are you trying to abase me with a bribe?"

"No..." Raito closed his eyes and bit into his lip. He then said in a whisper: "No... I'm sorry. I'm just... desperate. I don't know what to do anymore... Please, Touta... Help me. I beg you."

Completely astonished, I watched a single tear slide down Raito's face. That was the first time I saw him cry. Somehow, it got me utterly terrified. And it seemed that Matsuda felt exactly the same way as I. He crouched beside Raito's bed and clutched at his wrist.

"Oh my god... Raito," he whispered, stuttering. "I... But police..."

Raito caught Matsuda's hand into his own.

"I've asked you more of what you can do. I understand... Please, forget about my words. To steal the body..." he chuckled completely humorlessly. "I must be going insane, indeed. It's just... something's changed after Reiji passed."

For a long minute both of them stayed silent. Then Matsuda let out a heavy sigh and got on his feet. He walked toward the door and just before exiting he turned his head and said in a flat voice:

"I'll see what I can do. I can't promise you anything but I will do my best to help you. Get well, Raito-kun."

With these words he left. I closed the door behind him and looked at Raito, still not over the unexpected demonstration of his emotions.

"Boss?" I called quietly, walking to him. That's when I saw a small smile that was playing on his lips. Suddenly, I felt abhorred at him. Wasn't he grieving? Was that show just for the sake of making the poor policemen do as he willed?

"Lawliet. We're going to get Reiji's body in no time. I am certain," he looked at me. There still was a great sadness in his eyes, but I could also see a relief in them.

Out of instinct, I crouched beside Raito just as Matsuda did minutes ago, and put my hand on top of his. My heart sank when I felt his hand squeeze mine gently in return.

"There is a lot of work ahead. A war has been started, and this time it will be much more brutal," he said. "I'm glad that you are with me. You are the only one I've got left."

That moment I wanted to tell him that I would always stay by his side. I wanted to tell him how much he meant for me and how I was willing to do anything for him. I so much wanted to say that I loved him. But instead, I nodded my head and lay it down on the bedsheets. His fingers combed through and ruffled my hair like he used to do back when I was a child.


	11. XI

** XI**

A week passed since Matsuda's visit. During those seven days Raito got a lot better, at least he'd started to return to his normal self – talkative, active and very much alive. The doctor had visited him a couple of times and with his permission Yagami had been freed from his bed confinement. On the eight's day pale but resolute looking Matsuda came back to the headquarters. He and Yagami talked for a while behind a closed door of his office, and later that night Raito told me that in three days we would be visiting Namikawa and his wife's funeral. Thanks to Matsuda we didn't only get Reiji's but also his wife's body. Two days prior to the burial Raito spent calling and sending envelops to people who knew his dead friend, and organizing everything necessary for the funeral process.

The morning of the burial's day was gray and cold. Upon awakening I looked out of a window to be greeted by the sight of snow slowly falling down on the ground in a mesmerizing dance. For unknown to me reason, I stayed glued to the window, watching the snowfall that was slowly but surely covering everything around with a white, fluffy layer. It was early in December, and it was also the first time I saw so much snow. During the six years that I'd spent in Tokyo, it'd never been snowing so heavily and there had been even less snow in Osaka where I'd spent my childhood.

I don't know how much time I'd wasted staring out of the window before a whistle of a boiled kettle pulled me out of my dreamlike state.

"Morning, Lawliet," Raito greeted me in the kitchen, sitting at the table with a cup of steaming tea already next to him.

"Morning."

I poured some tea for myself and took a seat at the table, watching Raito as he was flicking through something on his tablet.

"Have you prepared your clothes for today?" he asked me, not tearing his eyes off the screen.

"Yes. Unfortunately, I have only one dress suit, so it seems I will have to wear the same clothes to Reiji-san's funeral that I did for his wedding day."

"That doesn't matter," he looked up at me. "I want you to look decent. There's going to be one very important guest at the funeral, and we're going to have a conversation with him later."

"Oh? Who are you talking about exactly?"

"The head of the syndicate. I think I've told you about him before."

Indeed, I vaguely remembered how Raito had been explaining to me the hierarchy of clans. Back then he'd told me that even though he was the head of his clan, and Namikawa and Midou had their own clans, three of them still had the ultimate leader to whom they obeyed.

This supreme oyabun was known to be a rather old man who rarely showed his face and almost never spoke to yakuza who weren't holding the leader's positions. I'd never seen him but as far as I was aware, Raito was used to visiting him every month with a report on current condition of clan's affairs.

"Yes, I recall now," I said slowly, adding few sugar cubes to my tea. "Are you going to introduce me to him?"

"Yes. Actually, it was him who asked me of this. He suddenly got interested in you after he learned how you'd discovered about Midou's plan," Raito frowned.

I paused for a second. Judging by Raito's reaction, he wasn't exactly glad about the prospect of me meeting the oyabun.

"Are you upset about this?"

"No. But I'm a little worried. You see..." Yagami sighed, searching for the right words. "It's not what I should be telling you, but you better not trust him. I want you to be prepared for everything he might throw your way. The oyabun is very tricky. He likes to play with people, to test their boundaries and their judiciousness. I want you to be on your guard and to never trust him fully."

"Got it, boss."

* * *

The ceremony was held in a temple. We were first to arrive there, and as soon as we came, we were led into a big room in the center of which stood two altars with coffins on them. Cold chill ran down my spine upon looking at the photos in black frames. Immediately I recognized Reiji on one of the photos and my heart clenched painfully. I nervously glanced at Raito, biting into my trembling lip, suddenly frightened. I hadn't had a chance to visit a funeral before, and I only knew basics of the ceremony.

I followed Raito and stepped closer to the altars, bowing down to them. He then offered incense three times to the urns that stood before the coffins. I did the same. Both of us were holding flowers in our hands and I wondered if I could already place my bouquet. Still, I didn't dare to do anything before Yagami, and simply waited for his next actions to mimic them. But the only thing he did was to look at Reiji's face. I too casted my eyes down at the dead body. Namikawa looked... unrecognizable. Perfectly still and pale, his face features expressed nothing, and his face seemed too hollow. I half-expected Raito to say or do something to him, but boss remained just as still. He came back to his senses only when first guests stepped into the room.

Soon enough everyone were gathered and the ceremony began. I was sitting on my knees, beside Raito, listening to the priest chanting. All of this time I was wondering who of the guests was the syndicate's oyabun. Earlier I'd noticed a tall, gaunt man in a black suit who looked to be in his fifties. He came with few other men who didn't stay for the ceremony, and now was sitting to Raito's left. The thing that had caught my attention about him was that everyone seemed to know and respect him, seeing that they bowed to him countless times in form of greeting. Even my boss bowed his back lower than he usually did. So, could it be that the oyabun was now sitting almost next to me?

While I was busy thinking, the ceremony was over. I followed Raito to once again step to the coffins. This time he placed the flowers beside Reiji's head and did the same with his wife. I hurried to follow his actions. Once this was over, we headed back to the car. I still couldn't get rid of unpleasant feeling that had tied up my guts and made my feet and hands cold. I wanted to ask Raito if we were going to head home or somewhere else, and if the man that sat beside him was the oyabun, but couldn't muster up the courage to actually open my mouth and ask these questions. Thankfully, Yagami answered my unspoken questions. Sometimes I got the feeling that he could really read my mind.

"We'll now head to the crematorium. After the cremation we'll go back to the headquarters where you will be presented to the oyabun."

I nodded my head. He looked at me and suddenly a warm smile graced his face.

"You look pale. Was it the first time you visited funeral?"

"Yes. I didn't expect to see Reiji-san again, like that..."

"You were doing good," he smiled again, this time sadly. "None of us expected to ever see Reiji like that."

"I thought there would be more people on the ceremony," I said, fidgeting on my seat. "And as far as I understood, there weren't any relatives of the deceased...?"

"I only invited other clans' leaders. Reiji's parents died a long time ago. He didn't have any relatives, the only family he had was us... I didn't know much about his wife, but I managed to find her mother. She refused to visit the funeral - it so happened that her family disowned her after they'd learned she was dating a yakuza. She offended her family's dignity by doing that, you see," he smiled crookedly.

As soon as he finished the sentence, the car door opened and Takada got inside. Her eyelids were pink and puffed, and she was softly blowing her nose into a handkerchief.

"I still can't believe this," she muttered, looking at Raito through the rear-view mirror. "I saw it with my own eyes but... It just can't be. Not Reiji. Anyone but him."

"Don't cry, Kiyomi. Tears won't help it."

"I can't stop, damn you!" she suddenly squealed, clutching at the back of Raito's seat. "Don't pretend to be stoic now! Aren't you just as enraged as I am? Fucking Shingo with your fucking fiancée, they ruined everything! And why?! For the sake of that motherfucking dick-sucking bastard Higuchi?!"

Raito stayed silent, keeping his head down, while Kiyomi went on:

"It was a massacre, Raito. Reiji was the leader of a clan, that's for sure. But his wife? They fucking gunned down his wife on her wedding day! Why didn't they show some fucking respect, huh?!"

"Hush, Kiyomi."

"No, I won't! I'm pissed at all of them! To attack just like that, killing innocent people! And Shingo called you a friend, a brother even! This goes beyond the code of honor, and you know that!"

"What did you expect?!" Raito finally snapped, turning to glare at her. "Were you seriously hoping for them to send you a warning?! Would it make anything better? Higuchi is one giant piece of shit, he never obeys the code! Don't you know that?"

"I know! And I'm so fucking angry at you right now! Didn't I tell you to stop him? If you'd listened to me, Reiji would still be with us!"

"And do you think he'd be respected for what he did to save his life, huh?! He died an honorable death, and I'd do the same if I were him. That's why I never thought of dissuading Reiji."

"Ugh!" Kiyomi punched Raito's seat with hatred. "I fucking hate you."

Raito let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes for a second.

"Stop thinking of what ifs, Kiyomi. Reiji is dead, we can't do anything more than to join into the war that Higuchi started."

"But you do nothing to actually prove that you're at least going to avenge him," Takada sneered.

"You perfectly well know that I can't leap into action without the oyabun's permission," Raito hissed, getting unexpectedly angry. "If I could, trust me, both Midou and Higuchi would be choking on their own guts."

Kiyomi sighed, massaging her temples in a distressed manner.

"I hope that you will no longer put off the talk with the oyabun. It kills me to just sit back and wait."

"Fret not. I'm going to have this conversation today."

"Thanks god," she sighed again and crinkled her nose. "I got a headache now."

"Say thanks to your little tantrum."

Kiyomi didn't respond to that and a few minutes later, after I saw that very man who had been treated like a king get in another car, we finally were off to the crematorium. While we were driving, Kiyomi placed her hand on Raito's shoulder and said in a quiet voice:

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I've been constantly losing it since that day..."

In the mirror I saw Raito knitting his eyebrows, as if he was in pain. He then nodded his head, not bothering to waste any more words.

* * *

The cremation procedure took a long time but I patiently waited until the very end of it. When the incinerating process was over, Raito and the oyabun started to pick the bones out of the ashes to place them into the urns. Watching them doing that made me a little sick. It was actually very hard to believe that small white bones were the only things left of Namikawa and his wife. It was almost impossible to take it in.

Thankfully, this torture didn't last too long and soon enough the remains in the urns were sent to a cemetery, and Raito beckoned me to get inside the car. Before I followed him, I noticed the oyabun looking at me. He had a rather creepy, unblinking stare and a smirk on his face. I forced myself not to wince at the sight and hurriedly got in the car with Raito.

When already in the headquarters, Raito gave me a sign to wait near the door to his office, while he offered the oyabun to walk inside first. They spent there a couple of minutes, and during this time Kiyomi brought two cups of coffee to them. I smirked. Well, the oyabun certainly was a big person, for I'd never seen Kiyomi getting a single cup for Yagami. Finally, Raito opened the door and dragged me inside. He put me right in front of the elderly man, placed a hand on my shoulder, opened his mouth, but before he could say anything the man exclaimed:

"Ah! Young man, you must be Lawliet! I've been anxious to finally meet you in flesh. Raito speaks very highly of you."

I wanted to glance at Raito, but his grip on my shoulder tightened just a bit. So I bowed down and said:

"Yagami-dono is my mentor. The credits for my services go to him."

A smirk once again stretched the oyabun's lips. And I couldn't help but notice that the whites of his eyes had a yellowish tint, as if he was stricken with some disease.

"What a loyal attitude," the man said, winking at Raito.

"I still haven't gotten a chance to introduce you to Lawliet, boss," Raito's voice sounded a little strained. He looked at me and then gestured to the oyabun. "Since the oyabun already knows your name, Lawliet, allow me to introduce you Ryuk, my immediate chief and the head of our family."

I thought I misheard him. Ryuk? Was it an alias? While I was blinking, confused, Ryuk hold up his hand with an outstretched finger, moving it in a "no-no" gesture.

"Oh, Raito, you forgot to add two most important titles of mine – your mentor... and your father."

…

What? This time I couldn't help but look up at Raito, astonished. This information totally didn't add up with his story. Hadn't he been telling me that he was an orphan? Hadn't he made it clear that he didn't have any warm feelings towards his mentor? Though, wait, this one still seemed to be correct. I could tell that Raito was honestly displeased to see his... father. Father.

I once again stared at Ryuk who'd grabbed an apple from Raito's desk and was now munching at it quite happily. Nothing in this man reminded me of Raito. Nor his dark hair, nor his strange posture, nor his behavior, nor his facial features. There was a slight chance that Raito inherited his mother's looks and manners, but still, shouldn't there have been at least something that could indicate that Yagami and Ryuk were tied by blood?

"I see you didn't bother to tell your little friend here about us, eh?" Ryuk winked at Raito once again. I almost flinched, remembering all the times Raito had winked at me. Well, at least eye twitching was the thing they seemed to share.

"And is there something to tell about you and me?" Raito asked in a caustic tone.

"Why of course! A heart-wrenching story about a small orphan boy who miraculously learned that his father was a yakuza. The boy had a courage to escape from his orphanage, full of precision to find his dad. He searched and searched until one beautiful day the little boy met a man, who later became his master. Ah... sweet little boy, he had a kind, open heart and oh how he wished to finally meet his daddy!" Ryuk wiped off a non-existent tear. "Surprisingly enough, his master remembered of an affair he'd had with a beautiful young lady who unfortunately was earning her money by selling her body to random men. And how lovely that lady was... Her image had been forever imprinted in the master's mind, and just upon looking at the little orphan boy, the guru could tell that yes... The boy was his son, who was lucky enough to inherit his mother's lovely appearance. Of course, the master wasn't a fool and he did the paternity test which only proved his suspicions. And now the little boy turned into a grown man of whom his master can be sometimes proud."

Ryuk held a dramatic pause. I glanced at Raito, inwardly preparing for a volcano eruption. But he was simply glaring at his father, not daring to actually say something. Ryuk send a loving gaze his way, before continuing:

"And who on earth would say that there's nothing to tell about us, son?"

"I would. Enough of the idle talk. I need to discuss with you things that actually matter," Raito frowned.

"Of course. That was only expected from you. But before we get to business," the supreme oyabun looked at me. "I heard that you were the one who saved Raito by spying on one of his so called friends. Are the rumors correct?"

"I didn't do anything except for warning him about the attack. And even my warning was a little belated," I said cautiously.

"And still, it was you who learned about Midou's betrayal. And if it wasn't for your warning, who knows... Perhaps there wouldn't be Raito sitting here with us today," he let out a short, bark-like laugh.

I gave a strained smile. Yagami's face grew darker and he attempted to change the subject of the conversation again:

"Speaking of Midou, I was wondering..."

"Hush, Raito. Where are your manners?" Ryuk clicked his tongue, and gave me a sweet smile. "So, young man. What do you use as your weapon?"

"Uh... I'm quite skilled in shooting. I prefer to use Glock 18, but I am able to operate any type of small arms."

"So, guns, eh?" Ryuk shook his head, as if disappointed. "Type of a weapon that even an amateur can handle. A weapon that's not used in a man-to-man duel. A weapon that grants instant murder by a simple manipulation of your fingers. Not in the very least noble or brave."

I couldn't find a response to that. I used to be proud of my skills in gunfire, but now, when he'd phrased it that way, I was slowly starting to doubt myself. I looked at Raito, subconsciously seeking for some advice. He was sitting on a sofa, his legs crossed and eyes casted down. He then lifted his gaze and looked directly into my eyes. And the look he was giving me was far more eloquent than any of the words he could say. _"Don't trust him. He likes to play with people... to test their judiciousness."_

With numb fingers, I pulled out a gun from the pocket of my trousers, clicked the safety catch and aimed it at Ryuk:

"That doesn't make this baby here any less fatal," I said firmly, suddenly remembering Raito's own words that he'd said once.

Completely unexpectedly, Ryuk doubled over in a fit of laughter. He was laughing so hard that tears formed in his eyes and his unusually pale, even grayish skin obtained some color.

"Good job! You're really something, kid!" he forced out and added in a bit more serious tone: "But you will never get the true feeling of killing your enemy if you continue using your little pistol. It's cold, it's but a mechanism that doesn't have personalization, while a sword is the extension of your hand, of your flesh. Only through it will you convey all the depth of the hatred you feel for your enemy. There is no greater pleasure than to thrust a blade into the body of your foe and watch light fade from their eyes."

Ryuk's own eyes lit up while he spoke, and on the back of my mind I started wondering if it was him who had muddled Yagami's brain so throughly that Raito now preferred katanas to guns. Meanwhile the latter gave a polite cough and asked in a stiff voice:

"Have you had enough with your games? Can we finally talk about business?"

"You're just like a spoilt child demanding for attention," Ryuk sighed, resting his chin on his hand. "I'm all ears."

I saw Raito's jaw tightening but overall he managed to retain his calm composure.

"As you already know from my reports, Midou betrayed the syndicate by entering into alliance with Higuchi. This newly formed union brought highly unpleasant consequences – we lost one of the clans' leaders, and subsequently practically every family member of the said leader is now confirmed dead. Furthermore, the attack that was conducted on us went beyond all the rules written in the code of honor. By betraying the family, striking it and divesting it of an honorable member, Midou declared a war. Taking into accord his current ties with Higuchi, we are forced to fight against the latter as well. My duty, as the leader of the clan, is to fight our enemy and avenge the death of my fallen brother."

Ryuk had already started yawning while Raito had been in the middle of his speech. If he weren't the syndicate's leader, Yagami would probably kill him for that outrageous behavior. But seeing that he couldn't go against his commander, Raito gritted his teeth and waited for a reply.

"Oh, the pompous words," Ryuk said, looking at boss, obviously bored out of his mind. "Are you asking for my permission?"

"Yes."

"And what exactly are you planning to do, I wonder? Kill Midou? Higuchi? Everyone from our adverse syndicate?"

"Your last guess is the correct one."

"I see... You have my permission to start actions, and I do believe that you will cope with your task. Even though I can't say that you're the best of the clan leaders."

"Thank you," Raito said in an unwavering voice.

"You're welcome," Ryuk waved his hand in a casual manner, grinning widely. "Actually, you know I wanted to talk to you about another matter."

"Oh? What that could be?"

"This guy," the oyabun pointed his sharp finger on me. "Since Namikawa's dead now and Midou chose the fate of a dead rat, I need to place new people as the leaders. And right now I can't find a candidate better than your little friend here."

"...Pardon?" Raito seemed truly shocked. And to be honest, I felt the same way.

"Why are you making round eyes at me? Are you surprised? Maybe you're glad? Or upset?" Ryuk smirked, observing Yagami's reaction. "You should be glad. If I choose Lawliet as the leader, this only means that you did your work as his mentor perfectly."

"If anything, I am taken aback with your offer."

"You shouldn't be. Before coming to this decision I made a careful study of Lawliet's personal dossier. He's young, ambitious, strong both physically and mentally, loyal to the family, and most of all he is smart. He's just like you when you took the place of the leader of your clan. And if you think that he is too young to be taking this position, may I remind you that you became the leader when you were only twenty. And as far as I know, Lawliet's going to celebrate his twentieth birthday next year."

"Still, in order to take the position of the leader at such age, sacrifices are needed to be made. I had to get engaged, if you still remember."

"Ah, yes, you got engaged with that harlot, who betrayed you and ran away with Shingo. But I have to inform you that there are no rules concerning the age of the leader. Personally you had to go through the hassle just so everyone would think that you were willing to obey the gathering's word and your influential daddy didn't help you to get the position. I voted against you on the gathering. It was Akio who strived to make you the leader and found a solution in your marriage or engagement. I'm sure you remember this."

"I do," Yagami gritted his teeth. "You've never told me about the lack of the age rule."

"Was I obliged to do that?" Ryuk raised his eyebrows. "Anyway, now that you know that Lawliet can become the leader of a clan, what would you say?"

He stared at Raito, anticipating his reply with some kind of perverted pleasure. It almost felt like he chose me just to torture Yagami some more. I felt disgusted at the scene.

"Why do you ask me?" Raito said quietly after a few moments of silence. "Lawliet is a responsible adult. He has a right to choose his fate."

"I'm asking you just because you're still nominally his boss," Ryuk shrugged.

"Oh? I don't feel like I have a right to decide this for him. Lawliet," he turned to look at me. "You have the final word here. Are you taking Ryuk's offer?"

_Like hell._ I wanted to say that right away, but... the memories of my childhood came flushing down on me. I remembered my six years old self, drawing pictures that had been portraying me as the oyabun. I remembered how I'd wanted to have the authority and power. And later, after I'd met Yagami, I had so much desired to be not just his student, but his partner. To be on par with him.

I looked Raito in the eyes. Ryuk was playing dirty. Basically his question meant _"will you betray Raito?"_. And the answer to that question was simple – never.

There couldn't not be a catch in Ryuk's offer. Or perhaps, he was just testing my loyalty. But even if that wasn't the case, I couldn't turn my back on Raito. I couldn't walk away for the sake of chasing after my childhood dreams. Because I knew that bringing to life my long-forgotten fantasies would never make me as happy as I was just being close to my boss.

"I have to turn down your offer," I said to Ryuk. "My place is beside my boss."

The man smirked and let out a raucous laugh again.

"Would you look at that," he grinned madly at Raito. "You raised him like a puppy. Were you practicing dog trainings on him?"

"I taught him in accordance with the code of honor. You see the result now - loyalty and discretion are his priorities."

"I see," the oyabun smirked again. "Good job, good job..."

A long minute we spent in silence. Ryuk grabbed another apple from Yagami's desk and stood up from his chair.

"Looks like we're done here," he said and patted Raito on the shoulder. "Good luck, son."

"Goodbye," Raito uttered, not looking up at his father.

As soon as Ryuk walked out of the door, it opened again and he peeked his head inside:

"I almost forgot to tell you good news. Though the information I'm about to disclose to you is most likely to disappoint you."

"What is it?" Yagami asked him tiredly.

"Shingo is already dead. You will only have to take care of Higuchi."

"What?.." Raito froze.

"Aye, what did you think? I couldn't let the traitor live. But wait... you wanted to deal with him with your own hands, right? Oh well, too late now," a wide smile stretched his lips. "Anyway, got to go now. See ya."

He swiftly closed the door and I turned my eyes to look at Raito who had a very strange mix of emotions on his face.

"Boss?" I called out for him, uncertain.

"Lawliet. Leave me."

"Yes, boss."


	12. XII

** XII**

Later in the evening of that day I found Yagami in the headquarters' gym. It was already 10 in the evening and I thought of asking him if he wanted to go home, because I sure as hell didn't want to spend yet another night in the clan's premises. When I walked inside the gym, I spotted Raito near one of the punching bags. His fists hit it relentlessly with such a might that for a moment I thought the thing would crack at its seams. But what truly caught my utter attention was that Raito wasn't wearing any clothes that could hide his upper torso. Only when looking at him like that did I realize that I hadn't had any idea of how many muscles there actually were in a male's body. And what's more...

I gulped.

I couldn't have ever imagined how wickedly sexy they looked when put into action.

It took me a great effort to rip my eyes off his body. If I had continued staring, it could have ended up in a disaster. Mainly because it was obvious that Raito had already spent in the gym about an hour by the time I'd found him there. Judging by his labored, husky breath and small, glistening beads of sweat that were covering his skin, he was growing fatigued. And the combination of his heavy breath, pounding sounds and naked torso were pushing me to the point of losing my mind.

I coughed in an effort to get his attention. He glanced at me sullenly, not pausing his actions.

"You need something?"

"Are you coming home tonight?"

"I don't know. Don't wait for me."

I watched him punching the poor bag for a few minutes more before stepping closer and gingerly placing my hand on his shoulder. Inwardly I marveled at the contrast his tanned skin made with my sickly pale fingers.

"If I may give you advice... You should rest."

Raito stopped hitting the bag with his fists. Slowly, he turned to look at me. I watched his hand rise up, and for a split second I thought that he intended to punch me. But a moment later his hand descended on my head, ruffling my hair. He smiled.

"Don't worry about me, Lawliet. Go home. I'm fine."

His hand kept stroking my hair. I looked him in the eyes, feeling his fingers winding in my locks, slowing down and soon stopping the movement completely. And that moment I found myself utterly unprepared for the rush of bittersweet joy that overwhelmed me. It'd been so long since I looked at him this close... And every refined feature of his face – the outlined curve of lips, the warm honey colored eyes, - all of that was so dear, it was painful to look.

I stood there, feeling as if someone had taken the spine out of my body. I couldn't move, even if my life dependent on that. I was struggling to breathe. Raito's face grew so close to mine that on my lips I could feel warm puffs of air that he was exhaling. Another of his hand moved to touch my cheek. I tried my hardest not to succumb to my emotions, but it was impossible with too many feelings and sensations. There was a tight thread twisting inside of me, and it was ready to burst any second.

Raito stroked my cheek carefully, touching it with just his fingertips. I blinked rapidly, trying not to close my eyes at the tenderness. It was almost unbearable. It shouldn't have felt so intimate. My body turned into a naked nerve at which Yagami kept pulling ruthlessly, because he couldn't not know what he was doing to me. My heart was nearly ripping out of my chest. And just when I thought that I couldn't take it anymore and closed my eyes, the feeling of Raito's hands disappeared, as well as his breath could no longer be felt on my skin.

"Lawliet..." he then said quietly. "Go home."

It didn't take me long to flee from that damned gym, in a vain attempt to hide my embarrassment. In my rush I almost knocked Mikami off his feet. I stumbled on him just as he was walking out of the restroom, not too far from the gym room.

"Sorry," I muttered, watching him as he struggled to regain his balance.

"Jeez, what's wrong with you?" he asked, frowning.

"I didn't notice you. Sorry."

"It's okay," he waved me off. "Going home?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Nah. I got a night shift," he smiled.

I nodded, forcing a smile as well.

"Well then, good luck."

"Same to you."

I smiled at him one last time before moving on to the exit of the building. When I was already few feet away, Mikami hailed me.

"Oi, Lawliet!"

"Yes?"

"Do you know where boss is? I've been trying to find him all evening."

I noticed Mikami got a little hesitant when asking his question.

"Check the gym," I told Teru simply.

He nodded, muttering "thanks" to me. I stayed, expecting him to follow the direction, but he obviously wasn't in a hurry. After about half a minute of our mutual waiting Teru gave me a weird look and asked:

"Weren't you going home?"

"Weren't you going to talk to boss?"

"I was. Are you staying here to check what I'm going to do to him? What are you? His watchdog or something?" he laughed.

"No. I merely find it weird that you're waiting for me to leave."

"It's you who's weird," Teru sighed. "But if you insist..."

He smirked and walked to the gym door, opening it and disappearing behind it a second later. I stood in the hallway, not really knowing what to do. Something was telling me to stay and eavesdrop on what Mikami had to tell Raito, but another part of me argued not to be an idiot and simply walk home. So... to be or not to be? I sneaked a glance at the closed door.

A few seconds later I was crouching beside a wall and pressing my ear to it. Thanks god the walls were thin and I could hear every word that was said in another room with having to just strain my ears. By the time I made up my mind, Teru seemed to had successfully distracted Raito from beating the crap out of the punching bag. I heard boss' muffled voice:

"...in about a week, so we are most likely to start by that time. Is that all?"

"No. Actually I have another question. It may seem a bit out of the blue..."

Mikami paused. I quirked my eyebrow.

"Go on."

"I've spent seven years in the family. All this time I've been very interested in studying history and traditions of yakuza. As far as I understand, we still preserve samurai customs, am I right?"

"Mostly. It's not like the modern world doesn't affect us. Many of our fellow warriors don't use samurai practices anymore."

"But you are different."

"Yes. I insist on complying with traditions and following the code. It makes us stronger."

"If that's the case... do you believe we should also follow some other samurai practices?"

"What are you getting at?"

I heard Teru taking in a shaky breath.

"Shudo..." [*]

* * *

_[* shudo] - practice where a boy in the wakashū [adolescent] age category undergoes training in the martial arts by apprenticing to a more experienced adult man. The man was permitted, if the boy agreed, to take the boy as his lover until he came of age; this relationship, often formalized in a "brotherhood contract",__was expected to be exclusive, with both partners swearing to take no other (male) lovers. This developed into the codified system of age-structured homosexuality known as shudō._

* * *

I felt my eyes widening in surprise. Raito, probably, was just as dumbfounded, for it took him awhile to answer.

"What makes you suggest that?"

I heard a thump. Most probably that moment Mikami fell on his knees.

"Please... I wish to become your apprentice. I wish to be... yours."

There was silence again. I stayed glued to the wall, refusing to believe what I just heard.

"Holy shit..." Raito finally uttered in a deeply concerned voice. "Mikami, what the hell is wrong with you?"

No answer followed. I heard Raito heaving a sigh.

"Everyone is going crazy here, I swear," he muttered. "I'm getting the feeling you're all in on this."

Both of them didn't say a word for what felt like eternity until Yagami broke the silence:

"Stand up."

Muffled rustling was heard and then Mikami's voice, which I'd barely recognized, sounded:

"Will you answer my plea?"

"...Are you serious right now? Are you fucking serious? Teru, what do you think I have to tell you? I would have trained you, had you phrased your request that way, but you insist on shudo! Do you even understand what this term means?"

"Yes..." Mikami's voice was so weak I could barely hear it. Raito's, on the contrary, was only growing in volume.

"Fantastic! Then why are you asking me of this? You want a dick shoved up your ass? Find yourself a boyfriend! How dare you come here, proposing this thing to me?"

"Having a boyfriend and having a mentor are completely different things," Mikami muttered stubbornly. I awed at his insolence. "My only wish is for you to teach me things that you know... to become my partner in every meaning of the word. I am willing to follow and comply with every of your desires."

"For fuck's sake, Mikami. Wake up! We're not living in the nineteenth century! Besides, if you are so willing to engage into shudo, you should know about an important aspect of such relationship: there can not be any sexual interactions once the apprentice comes of age. And if my memory is correct, you are already twenty two!"

"Is it my age that bothers you then?" there was a slight note of venom in his voice. "Even so, I still have three years before I come of age."

"That doesn't change anything."

"Yes it does! What is so wrong with my request, that you deny it so harshly? You took Lawliet as your apprentice without all of these second thoughts!"

"Don't you bring Lawliet into this."

"Why?! Do you reject me because you've already sworn to have him as your partner?"

"Watch your tongue," Raito's tone changed to threatening. "I repeat specially for you – I've never had and never will practice shudo. Is that clear? Now get out of my sight."

"But..."

"Get out!" Yagami practically yelled. Never before had he been so enraged. "I swear I will chop off your balls, so you will no longer have such thoughts!"

As if on cue, I ripped myself off the wall and rushed towards the exit. When already out of the building, I kept running until I reached my car that stood on a parking lot. I calmed down a little once getting inside, but still, I tried to be as fast as I could to start the engine and drive away.

Half way back home I noticed my hands shaking slightly, while clutching at the steering wheel as though my life depended on it. My mind was still racing, and I couldn't even formulate what exactly I was feeling at that moment. Everything about the conversation between Raito and Teru felt wrong. But strangely... I couldn't help but feel a tiny spark of joy upon remembering boss' violent reaction to Mikami's mention of my name.

* * *

For the next two weeks I barely saw Raito. He was constantly busy and I wasn't sure what exactly he was up to. The only thing I knew for certain was that with Ryuk's permission, Yagami was now able to strike Higuchi's syndicate. In my view of the situation, this war wouldn't very much differ from our usual attacks, but judging by what was going on, I was very wrong.

It had never been like this before... If prior to this war our days had been filled with guard duties, negotiations and bargain arrangements with drug dealers and souteneurs, some paper work and other mostly negligible business, now all of that was over. Every three-four days we would attack one of the enterprises that were under Higuchi's control. The notable thing about this was that Raito had commanded for us not to leave anyone alive. So no man was spared, even if they surrendered. The only thing we left behind us was bloody mess.

I didn't understand Raito. His course of actions seemed too forced, too brutal. And Kiyomi shared my point of view. She confronted Raito about this matter, trying to talk some sense into him. She said that what he was doing was too dangerous and was certain to draw some unwanted consequences. Of course he didn't listen to her.

"I know what I am doing," was the only thing he kept saying.

That policeman, Matsuda, seemed to be alarmed with Yagami's conduct, too. His visits to the HQ became more frequent and most of times he and Raito spoke to each other behind a closed door of Yagami's office. Usually their conversations would end with the miserably looking policeman storming out of the room, and Raito not expatiating on what they were talking about. He rarely talked at all and most of his time he was spending at the gym, training himself to a point where he couldn't do so much as stand straight.

Of course, Higuchi wasn't the only one who suffered from our attacks - we too were shaken by them. During each of our sorties, few of our men would get wounded or killed. And even that didn't stop Raito from implementing whatever it was that he'd planned.

During the breaks between the attacks, I felt more than glad to return to my usual routine of guarding pachinko with Mikami. The latter had become unusually quiet after the conversation with Yagami which I'd eavesdropped on. He didn't tease and provoke me, but nor did he talk to me. And in all honesty, I could understand him.

It was the end of our shift when to my surprise Teru finally decided to exchange few words with me:

"Finally a nice day," he said, dragging the palm of his hand down his face.

"Can't disagree."

"What the hell happened to our boss? Did he decide to get rid of us in such an intricate way?"

I glanced at him, raising my eyebrow questioningly.

"Don't you know about the war?" I asked him quietly. "Since that attack at Namikawa's wedding, we have no choice but to fight back."

"I know. But don't you think that what we're doing right now is a little too much? We're losing people, after all."

"Unfortunately, losses in manpower are inevitable... You just have to keep in mind that we're doing this for the sake of upholding the family's honor."

"You're too calm about this," he arched an eyebrow.

"I trust our boss and his decisions," I said, not really believing my own words. "He's never been wrong."

"Why, of course."

His words once again obtained the usual edge. I shrugged my shoulders. A minute we spent in silence, watching people around us. Then I noticed Teru staring at me as though he wished to burn a hole in my head with his eyes.

"What's the matter?" I asked, not turning to look at him.

"Nothing. It's just you make me sick sometimes."

"Oh?"

"You are too sweet. Especially when you talk about boss._ I trust him, look at me, I'm such a clever cutiepie_," he mocked me in a stupid voice.

"So what's your point?"

"I've already told you, dumbass. You make me sick."

"Well, then don't talk to me."

Mikami made a sound as if he was utterly disgusted. He then wanted to say something more, but was interrupted by my phone going off.

"Hello?"

"It's me," I heard Raito's voice. "How's it going?"

"Everything's fine."

"Glad to hear that. If I'm not mistaking, you'll be on your way home in ten minutes?"

"Yes."

"Could you please drop in a supermarket and buy something to drink? I've just discovered there's nothing left in the fridge, and I feel too lazy to dress and go out right now."

I blinked, surprised. Then I felt my lips stretch in a smile. It was so good to once again hear Raito so casual.

"Alright. Do you need anything else?"

"Hm... You know what, get some snacks too. Anything to your taste."

"Okay," I almost giggled. God, how stupid I felt for wanting to act like a love stricken schoolgirl. "Um... bye?"

"Bye," I could tell that he was smiling. "Don't take too long."

As soon as I hung up, Mikami grimaced:

"That's exactly what I'm talking about - just listen to how oh so adorable you sound. Disgusting. Who the hell were you talking to?"

"That's none of your business," I said calmly, still smiling like an idiot. Then I snuck a glance at him. By the looks of it, Mikami was fuming. Who knew that being rejected by Raito would make him so mean and grumpy again? A good minute we spent not saying a word to each other before I decided to be a little daring and tease him, just to see how he would react: "Actually, it was boss who called me."

"Really?" he questioned in a mocking tone. It was obvious that he tried to end our conversation at that but his curiosity wouldn't let him. So Teru cleared his throat and tried to sound as disinterested as he possibly could: "And what did he want? Something about work?"

"No, nothing like that. It's more of a casual thing," I watched him carefully.

"Mind being more specific?" he frowned.

"He asked me to buy us some snacks on my way home."

I trailed off, watching his eyes widening a little. For some reason it was enormously pleasurable to watch him struggle not to pounce at me while getting eaten up with jealousy.

"Oh?" Teru finally uttered and then looked me in the eyes. "So? Does it feel good?"

"Huh?"

"Does it feel good to lick his balls?" he asked through gritted teeth. I felt my insides tightening with anger.

"Shouldn't you know that better?" I grinned at him.

"You're such an annoying little fucker," Mikami spat.

"I might be am. But that's a lot better than being a horny useless piece of trash like you."

"That's it, Lawliet!"

Just as he uttered last word, Mikami clutched at my shoulder and started dragging me towards the back entrance. Once we were at the employees parking lot, I wrenched out of his grip and shoved him. Teru staggered a bit and growled, pointing at me:

"I fucking hate you!"

I didn't have time to answer, for he then lashed out, aiming his fist at my face. I ducked and evaded the blow, stepping to the side. Teru looked around, a little confused, but when he noticed me, a blood-curling roar emitted from his throat and he rushed at me again.

Blinded with rage, his movements were haphazard but even more powerful than usual. I tried to dodge his attacks as best as I could because I knew that even one of his forceful hits would be enough to send me flying on the ground. A few times his fists and legs were coming into a dangerous vicinity from me, so that I was forced to block and hit him in return. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to pummel him when I noticed opportunities to do so, and good five minutes we spent waltzing around the parking lot.

"Quit fucking around!" Teru yelled at me, when I dodged his fist for the umpteenth time. "Fight like a man, you asshole!"

Then I saw him drawing a dagger. The situation was rapidly spiraling out of control.

"Calm down, Teru!" I shouted, barely evading the first swing. "That's not worth it!"

"What, are you scared? Lil' pussy!" he laughed hysterically.

He pounced at me again, this time successfully bringing me down on the ground. I gripped his wrists, hindering his movements. The tip of the dagger was frighteningly close to my face.

"What have I ever done to you that you hate me so much?" I croaked, hands shaking with strain.

"You dare to ask?! You stole everything from me!"

He shifted a little and I seized the chance to kick with my knee at the scrotum. Mikami hissed and fell to his side, while I hurriedly wrenched the dagger from his hand and tossed it away. Before Teru could act again, I got on top of him, blocking his legs from movement and seizing his wrists in my grip.

"I don't remember stealing a thing from you," I told him then, putting all my strength to keep him immobilized.

"You know nothing," Mikami glared at me with such a candid hatred that I felt a little shaken.

"Then tell me."

"Tell you what?! How I was accepted by the family and even had a chance of apprenticing to boss, and then you came out of nowhere and took everything away? Is this what you want to know?!" he struggled to get my hands off of him and eventually succeeded, throwing me off the next moment.

I expected him to try and hit me again, but he merely sat up on the ground, wincing. We stayed silent.

"Look... I'm sorry if I wronged you in some way," I sighed. "But you do have to realize that I wasn't the one to decide those things."

Mikami laughed sarcastically. I continued, ignoring him:

"I know that you... love boss. We all do, but your feelings for him are a little different, aren't they?" I hesitated when Teru glanced at me, sullen.

"You eavesdropped on the talk I had with boss, right? I knew you would," he said, not looking at me. "You're just too involved with him to let anything like that slip from you."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on," he rolled his eyes. "You are the same as I."

I felt chill overwhelming my insides in a very unpleasant manner. Swallowing a lump in my throat, I said:

"You are mistaking. I am..."

"Stop lying, damn you. Do you think I'm blind or something? You've been head over heels into boss since the day I saw you."

I pressed my lips together, feeling my face heat up with dark blush. Scrambling to my feet, I turned my back to Teru, who was still taking a seat on the ground.

"Yours or my feelings don't matter," I told him in a flat voice, walking to my car. "Boss is not like that. And he never will be."


	13. XIII

** XIII**

When I got home, I was greeted by my boss who stood in the hallway with his arms crossed on his chest, dressed in a yukata that he was used to wearing at home.

"What the hell took you so long?" he asked, snatching bags from my hands and marching into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, there was too heavy of a traffic flow this evening," I lied, kicking off my shoes and following him.

"Do you even know why I'm home this evening?" Raito glanced at me.

"Um... because you've gotten sick of sleeping in the headquarters?"

"Oh, Lawliet," he smiled, walking up to me and putting both of his hands on my shoulders in a fatherly manner. "You're really out of this world, aren't you? You don't even..." he suddenly trailed off, taking a closer look at me.

At first I didn't understand what was the matter, but then it hit me. Here, in the bright lights, I too finally noticed dirt stains on my clothes. There was also a cut on my sleeve, through which blood was still soaking. Probably, I hadn't been as good at dodging Mikami's dagger as I'd thought I was. Raito's eyes were glued to the cut and he gripped my arm, examining it. I watched his face darken. Before he could say anything, I snatched my arm away.

"Just a little scratch," I said, backing up, "it's probably best if I take a shower now."

"Who did that?" he stepped closer.

"I fell and..."

"Do I look like an idiot?"

"No."

"Then why are you trying to fool me?"

"Well... it's just... It's nothing too serious, right? I'm fine."

"Lawliet," Raito drawled. "I'll learn the truth anyway. Spill your guts."

I stopped, thinking if it was okay to tell him what'd happened. One thing I knew for certain: he shouldn't know all of the details, at all costs.

"Mikami and I had a brawl," I confessed reluctantly.

"Reason?" he raised his eyebrows, surprised.

"None, really."

"Am I supposed to believe that?"

"Well, you know what Mikami's like. He doesn't really need a reason to get all pissed off."

Yagami stayed silent, looking at me with doubt. Despite that I could tell he was starting to believe me. I decided to deal the final blow:

"You can ask him, if you wish. I'm sure he won't remember the reason, too."

"No... no, it's fine for now," he winced, obviously remembering the last time he'd spoken to Teru. I congratulated myself with the right choice. "Go take a shower. After you're done, come into the living room for supper. It's Christmas after all."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, when I walked into the living, I was surprised to find it decorated accordingly to the celebration. There were garlands on walls and in the corner of the room stood a big Christmas tree with twinkling lights on it. What puzzled me more was that there was meal on a table, and it surely wasn't snacks that I'd brought. I also noticed a bucket of ice with a misted over champagne bottle in it. Looking at all that made me feel a little uneasy. Never before had we had a Christmas dinner at home. Usually Raito would take me with him to celebrate it with Namikawa and Midou in some restaurant, but now...

"Wow," I said, walking to the table and taking a seat at it. "I completely forgot that it's Christmas today. When did you manage to organize all of this?"

Raito shrugged his shoulders elegantly.

"This evening."

My stomach growled hungrily and I didn't waste time to take a bite of the meal on my plate. Despite it being a beef fillet, I marveled at its taste. Delicious.

"Why did you make me buy snacks, if you knew we would have this yum-yum?" I asked Raito, tucking away the food.

"Delivery took longer than I planned, and I wanted to make this dinner a surprise," he waved me away.

I stopped chewing, looking at him carefully. Somehow, he seemed a little downcast. I dropped my eyes, feeling guilty. After all, Raito sought to make this Christmas just as good as previous ones that we'd had, and I spoiled everything by coming late and bashed up.

"I'm sorry for being late... If I knew about your plans, I'd have certainly tried my hardest to make it in time."

"Never mind that," he said, still bearing that pensive and a little sad look. I watched as he opened the bottle of champagne and poured it in our glasses. "Let's have a drink."

We clinked glasses and after a few sips I felt myself slowly growing tipsy. I took an askew look at the bottle. What the hell was in it that it made me feel so lightheaded so fast?

"Lawliet," Raito's voice jerked me out of my thoughts.

"Yes?"

I looked at him, once again feasting my eyes upon his appearance. Seriously, it should have been illegal to look so good! Unwillingly, my gaze scooted lower, from his eyes to his lips, which moved with every word he spoke:

"I have a present for you."

"Oh?" my throat got unexpectedly dry and I made a huge gulp from my glass.

I saw Raito standing up and walking to a cupboard to take something from it. That moment my face felt like it was on fire, because watching him from behind, while he was dressed in that black yukata, was too much for my already intoxicated mind.

Thankfully he very soon sat back at the table and pushed something over to me. I looked down at a small black box. It looked... suspicious. And most of all it reminded me of a ring box.

"What's this?" I muttered, scared to open the box and almost choking on my breath, heart beating ten times faster.

"Open it."

I took the box with shaking fingers and slowly lifted the lid.

A long second I stared at the object inside. Then I glanced up at Raito, who was smiling at me with the most affectionate of his smiles.

"What does this mean?" I asked quietly, licking my lips and once again staring at the object in the box. Its metallic surface was glinting in the dim lights.

"Well... I'd say it means the start of a new life for both of us," Yagami winked at me playfully.

I blinked. There, on a white silk of the box, lay a single key. I didn't know whether to feel disappointed or relieved. Most of all I wanted to laugh at my own stupidity. Just how naïve should I have been to think that the box actually contained a ring in it... '_Stupid, stupid,'_ I kept chiding myself silently, while Raito went on explaining what the key was for.

"It's the key to your very own apartment. Since you're a big boy, who doesn't need my supervision anymore, I figure you need your own place. So... here you go. This is my present for you. You can go and take a look at it tomorrow."

_…Oh no._

I stared at him, unable to find words with which to answer. Was 'thank you' enough? And why the hell did I have to thank him for that awful present? And it was awful indeed, because it meant the end of my life with him. And my life with him was the thing that kept me more or less at peace, because it granted I would always stay by his side. And now I had to leave? Was he chucking me out just like that?

Raito seemed to notice my state of shock but interpreted it his own way:

"If you worry about money I spent, don't. You've earned that much. Oh, I forgot to say that you can move there anytime you like. The flat is fully furnished."

I stared.

Raito raised his eyebrows, a little confused with my reaction.

"...Thank you," I finally squeaked and made a huge gulp from my glass again.

"You don't seem happy," he eyed me suspiciously, "or thankful for that matter."

"It's just... I don't really get it."

"Huh?"

"Are you sending me out? Have I become a nuisance or something?" I couldn't help the panic that sipped in my voice.

"No," he looked at me, bewildered.

"Then why? Why'd you buy a place for me all of a sudden?" words kept spilling from my lips before I could stop them. "Is it because of what happened in the gym?"

"And what happened in the gym?" Raito tensed up, squinting his eyes.

"Well... you know," I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes. How was I supposed to describe what'd happened in that goddamn gym? _'Oh, I just thought you were going to kiss me'?!_ No, no way, I was not telling him that, nuh uh. No freaking way.

Raito kept looking at me, gaze piercing.

"What am I supposed to know?" he pressed the matter, not tearing his eyes off of me.

"You... I mean we... kind of... invaded each other's personal spaces and..." I muttered, fiddling with my fingers nervously.

"Oh, that's what you're talking about," Yagami let out a relieved sigh. I secretly glared at him. "Gosh, Lawliet, it's not like I _want_ to send you out. You can stay here if you want to, but isn't that good to know that you have your own place? Most of the guys your age can only dream of such."

"Um... yes, probably..." I mumbled, still flustered.

"And why the hell would you be worried about our conversation in the gym? What was so wrong with it?"

I looked up at him, refusing to believe my ears.

"It felt... weird," I said, still staring at him in disbelief. No. Weird wasn't the right word. It felt intimate. '_Didn't it feel intimate for you, too?'_ I glanced at my now empty glass and poured more champagne into it, gulping at it greedily in hopes to gather up some courage. "You were touching my face and stuff..."

"Yes. So?"

"Why did you do that?"

He stared at me for a couple of seconds, obviously puzzled. Then his lips formed into a smile and he chuckled.

"I was curious," he said softly, still wearing a smile. "Remember the consequences of your first real fight? Back then I told you there might form a scar on your cheek. And turned out I was right. There is a scar, but it's pale and mostly unnoticeable. That time in the gym I spotted it for the first time, and couldn't help but touch it. I'm sorry if it bothered you. I sometimes forget that you dislike physical contact."

"What?.."

I felt thunderstruck. Why in heaven's name was he thinking that I disliked him touching me? God, if anything I wanted him to touch me more.

"I realized it because of that incident with a prostitute," Raito arched his eyebrow, taking a sip from his glass. "You seemed so shaken up back then. Besides, I noticed you generally don't appreciate it when people get physical with you. Take your favorite weapon for one: it screams of distance. Distance's fine, it's just I can be forgetful about your peculiarities sometimes. Once again, I'm sorry for invading your personal space."

"It's nothing," I murmured, having a hard time with hiding my disappointment. But what could I do now? I couldn't yell at him to touch me anytime and anywhere he wanted to, right? Ha ha... that would be utterly ridiculous.

"Lawliet," Raito said, and I looked up at him. He smiled gently. "I'm glad that you chose to stay with me."

"Oh that... I'm just too lazy to pack up my things and move out," I laughed nervously. Raito's brows furrowed in confusion.

"Actually, I'm talking about Ryuk's offer. I was glad to know that you voluntary refused to become clan's leader."

"Oh..." I barely restrained from smacking my hand to my face.

"I don't know what I would have done to you, were you to agree to his proposal. But one thing is for sure – I wouldn't let you go."

I raised my eyebrows, surprised. His eyes had a serious look, and I could swear that I could see flames of possessiveness burning in them.

"You are mine, and mine only. I won't let you go away, whether you want it or not."

His words echoed in my mind, reviving memories of my twelve year old self who had been listening to him saying those exact words, looking at him in awe and trying to understand what to make out of what he'd spoken.

I stared at him for what felt like eternity. And I still couldn't fully comprehend what he meant. And somehow, even though his statement didn't exactly sound affectionate or tender, I was thrilled with excitement. His words held an edge of threat, and I loved it. I wanted to belong that way.

"Promise?" I uttered, felling as though I was floating on a cloud. Probably all the champagne was kicking in.

"Promise." He then held up his glass. "Merry Christmas, Lawliet."

"Merry Christmas."

* * *

Time was passing, turning everything around me into a poorly done reel of film with its abundance of emotions, words and faces, all mixed up and blurred into elusive mess which was my life. Days flew past me and I caught myself on a thought that everything that was happening didn't concern me in any way. I lived my life, trying not to think of what was going to come next, because each time I started pondering over the future, a tight knot appeared in my stomach, freezing me from the inside with a vague fear. I ignored this foreboding of evil, focusing attention on my work instead.

Two winter months passed like that and then spring came. Despite our clan's attempts to drain Higuchi of his power, we weren't very successful. It felt like Higuchi always knew when we would attack his property. Because of that it was was harder for us to accomplish our mission. What perplexed me more than Higuchi's exceptional intuition was that he also seemed to have inexhaustible sources of men and money. Whenever we crashed some of his enterprises, he bought another one. Whenever we killed members of his gang, he gathered others. The war with him was a vicious circle, and I could tell that everyone was getting tired of it. Even Raito.

* * *

That day I woke up late in the morning and everything seemed okay. I got up, had a breakfast and started preparing for a day. Everything went smoothly until I flapped a jar of jam off the kitchen table. It shattered in pieces and stained the carpet with rich crimson spots. Not to say that it was a kind of a mystical omen, but it made me upset. I had to postpone taking a shower and crawl on the floor for about half an hour, dislodging of pieces and thick puddles. During the process I managed to develop a headache. When I was done with getting rid of the mess, it turned out that I totally didn't have any desire to leave home. I chastised myself, calling me a lazy ass and a wreck, but it didn't provoke a surge of workaholism. I glanced at the clocks guiltily, and decided to call Raito and ask for a day off. I knew he wouldn't deny me and wasn't surprised when he told me to stay at home and get well. After all, I never called sick before.

There are lots of things one can do when they don't want to work. I busied myself with making a cup of tea, looking out of the windows, watching TV and trying to read. Bored with each of these activities, I decided to call Raito again. He was talking to me with short phrases, and I realized that he was probably busy with something. I asked him if he would come home for lunch. Boss hesitated and said that he would try. I'm quite nervous to such evasive answers, because they make me think I'm being a burden. I told Raito that it was fine anyway and that I was simply curious. Raito said he thought so and then excused himself, telling me he was currently on a meeting and couldn't talk. His answer made me think that he surely wouldn't show up until evening and I got even more bored.

The day was windless and cloudy. A strange and indefinite kind of weather, when the sky looks like an old blanket. My head was still hurting and I lay down on my bed, feeling drawn to sleep. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted away, lost in the current of my thoughts, half asleep and half-awoken. Slumber left me at about two o'clock. I remembered that specifically because I jerked out of my sleep when the funny to the point of inadequacy voices of radio DJs were replaced with a harsh voice of news announcer. He spoke with such a grave tones about some explosion in our city that I thought he was reporting about the beginning of the Third World War. With a sigh I got up from the bed, hushed the radio and headed to the bathroom, deciding to wash away the remains of sleep and headache. I undressed and turned on the faucet. Water hit the tub below and I felt something weird. The sensation was as if my head got filled with cream soda. I chalked it up to the change in atmospheric pressure and vasoconstriction. These things - atmosphere and blood vessels - are very convenient in themselves, anything can be chalked up to them. Water was hissing, swirling around the drain hole which I forgot to cork up. I stood, waiting for the 'cream soda' feeling to leave my head. There was tingling in my fingers and twinkling in the periphery vision. Not the case to call an ambulance, but I felt increasing unease. That feeling of apprehension was like a sticky stuffiness before a thunderstorm.

At some point I decided that I should go back to my room and lie down. Maybe even drink some pills if I would find any. With these thoughts I reached out to the tap and glanced in the mirror that showed my pale, alarmed face. I stared at myself, all of a sudden mesmerized with my own reflection. I rarely had time or desire to look in the mirrors, and it got to the point that I could barely recognize myself in it. I'd probably stand there for a long while if it wasn't for my phone that went off loudly, vibrating in the pocket of my jeans that I shoved into a flasket. I flinched and recoiled, knocking off everything that was stored in the open low wall locker. Plastic bottles and bars of soap fell, rolling on the floor. I exhaled loudly, fishing out my phone that wouldn't stop ringing.

"Hello?" I answered the call, crouching on the floor to pick up everything that I'd knocked off. Instead of answer there was silence. I frowned. "Hello?"

"Lawliet..."

The voice that spoke my name was filled with such panic, that I froze in place. I still could recognize Raito, and hearing him sound like that got me terrified.

"Leave the house. _Now_. Take your weapons and leave."

"Y-yes," I stuttered, feeling like I was going to die from a heart attack. Judging by his voice, there wasn't time for explanations.

"Don't go to the headquarters. I'll send you a message with the address," Raito said and paused. At that point I was shaking from fear and nervousness. "Keep alert."

After he said those words, the call got cut off. The eyes of the man in the mirror were staring at me with an utterly scared expression. I was hearing muffled buzzing that sounded like there was a waterfall somewhere in the apartment. A moment later I realized that I still didn't turn off the faucet. I reached out to it and screwed it shut. As soon as the last drop fell, I woke up from my daze and rushed out of the bathroom. Moving as fast as I could, I dressed and snatched my backpack, putting everything I could think of in it. I then put a clasp knife and a gun in the pocket of my jeans, and darted out from the apartment, shutting the door behind me.

Cursing under my breath, I ran down the flights of stairs, figuring that it must have been safer to descend like that rather using an elevator. Both my mind and legs were racing. Something had went horribly wrong, and judging by what Raito told me, his apartment could very well get under attack. For some reason, I wasn't worried about my wellbeing. The fact that was unsettling me so much was that the attack would be taking place in a highly populated area, which meant possible victims among civilians. And if there was something morally correct and just about the things that Raito taught me, then it was the main rule of his – to not let innocent people die.

I raced to my car, starting the engine with numb fingers. I still was shaking so badly that it took me two good minutes to actually get out of the parking lot and start driving away. Out of habit I directed the car towards the headquarters and caught myself on doing so only when I was a few streets away from it. I probably wouldn't even realize I was heading there, if it wasn't for police cordon that blocked streets around the premises. Despite them sending the cars away, I could perfectly well see what had happened. Our headquarters were ruined. Bombarded. Every window was broken, roof appeared to have collapsed and there still was a dusty veil surrounding the building. Even the air itself felt thick and was soaked with the stench of gunpowder.

I stared and stared at the picture before my eyes until the drivers of cars behind me started to honk, signaling their indignation. I screwed my eyes shut. They were right. I wasn't supposed to be here. Ten minutes later I was sitting in my car pulled over the side of a road.

When something really bad happens it's impossible to accept everything right away. I wasn't exclusion for that rule. I couldn't fully believe in what'd happened, even though I saw it all with my own eyes. For some reason I kept thinking that perhaps it wasn't so bad and tomorrow someone would tell me it was all a joke... Phone buzzed in the pocket of my jeans. I pulled it out and read a text message, in which Raito told me where he would be waiting for me. I inhaled deeply and tightened grasp on the steering wheel. I couldn't let myself be a wimp now.

The drive to the appointed place was long. Partially because of horrible traffic jams, and partially because the place itself was located in a quiet neighborhood near the outskirts of Tokyo. When I arrived, the sun was already setting down and heavy clouds in the sky obtained a pinkish-violet color. The place Raito commanded me to go to turned out to be a simple, rather small house, indistinguishable in a line of other houses that were practically pressed together. I parked my car a few meters away and walked to a low fence, reading a tablet near gate. The surname on it was unfamiliar and I hesitated for a moment before ringing the bell. There was no reply. I waited a minute more before I opened the gate, walked to the front door and stepped inside the house. I only had time to notice that the place was dimly lit when cold steel touched my throat.

"That's me..." I said, raising my hands up.

"I see that," Raito replied quietly. "Are you alone?"

"Yes. I made it out of the apartment before anyone could even come close to it."

"Good."

The blade disappeared and I turned to face my boss. He looked tired and strangely distraught. I didn't know if I should attack him with questions right away, or if it would be better to wait until he was more or less himself again.

"I'm glad to see that you are fine..." Raito said forestalling any of my questions. I opened my mouth to ask what had happened with our headquarters, but was cut short by a familiar voice.

"Took you long to get here. I was beginning to think you were killed."

I looked to my right to see Mikami standing in a doorway down the corridor, hands crossed at his chest. Despite him wearing usual scoff there was also a worry plastered all over his face.

"Thank gods you're in one peace," another voice said, and behind Mikami's back I saw my old friend Nobu. He smiled at me and I did my best to give him a smile in return. "Looks like you'll stay here with us."

I nodded. Raito, who all this time stood quietly, gruntled something and passed by me, disappearing in another room. That was anticlimactic to put it mildly. Nobu let out a quiet sigh and beckoned me.

"Come, boy. We have things to discuss."

A minute later Raito, Nobu, Mikami, me and eight more men from our family were sitting in a small living room. Despite Nobu promising me to explain something, he stayed quiet as well as others did not say a word. I decided to break the uncomfortable silence with a question that was bugging me since I first stepped inside the house.

"I saw what happened with the headquarters building," I began slowly. "And as far as I understand, we're here to discuss our course of actions?"

"Pretty much right," a man whose name I remembered was Kagoshima nodded.

"If so, where is Takada-san?"

With a vague anxiety I watched as Nobu and Mikami exchanged gloomy glances, and for the first time Raito broke away from typing on his cell phone and looked at me, barely noticeably pressing up his lips into a grim line. The gesture that concealed anger and... guilt?

"Boss? What's with Takada-san? Was she badly injured?"

"That doesn't matter right now..."

"...What?" I blinked at him, astonished. All men now had their eyes lowered to the floor, and that along with Raito's silence made me nervous. "Can I see her at least?" I tried again, feeling as my heart started to pound erratically inside my chest.

"With the best will in the world..." Raito said slowly, "I'm afraid that's not possible."

"What do you mean 'not possible'?.." I knew what he meant but refused to believe it.

"Lawliet..."

"Nobu?.." I turned to look at the man with confusion and disbelief. He guiltily lowered his head and stayed silent, not refuting Yagami's words. "But I saw her car outside..."

"We took it here. She's in hospital, Lawliet. Odds of survival are not in her favor. It's unlikely she'll live to see tomorrow," boss, unlike his subordinates was able to take a hold of himself and stay calm. I didn't notice when I clutched at my knees but now the pain was there and I was sure that I left some bruises. Still, I refused to let go or even loosen my grasp. Thoughts tangled into a tight ball, forcing me to lower my head and in confusion look first at my feet and then back at people that were surrounding me.

"Can I... see her ever again?"

"I... I don't know," Raito said and fell silent again, obviously choosing the right words. I knew that he was bad at comforting people. I also knew that Raito talking about his own fault and apologizing wouldn't make anything better. He was already carrying the burden of guilt from not being able to defend his people. Raito let out an inaudible sigh and wearily pinched the bridge of his nose. "We lost many people today. But we will grieve later. Right now to fight is all what we can do."

I didn't know what to say to him and just kept staring in his eyes. He too looked at me and all of a sudden bumped his fist into a wall.

"Fuck..." the word came out as a whisper.

It became painful to look at him, and I closed my eyes for a second before glancing at my comrades. All of them seemed to share my sentiments. Even Teru who always was glib and servile didn't say a word or do so much as look at boss.

Raito left the room without saying a word. With his departure it became even more quiet. Unbearably so. I waited for a couple of minutes before following his example. Something was telling me to go and find him, and I walked to a second floor of the house where I supposed he should've been. Thankfully, the house was small indeed and very soon I found him in a bedroom. I opened the door without knocking and quietly stepped inside. Raito was sitting on a bed, facing a window. I couldn't tell if he was crying for he had his back turned to me, but I could surely discern a slight tremor that his body was shaking with.

"Don't just stand there," he said suddenly. I flinched. His voice sounded normal, almost. "Came here to judge me, eh?"

I furrowed my brows in confusion and closed the door behind me, leaving us in privacy. Raito turned and looked at me. There were no tears in his eyes. Just venom.

"Judge you?" I asked, walking up to the bed and taking a seat on it.

"Don't give me that look. You know what I'm talking about. I'm at fault for fucking everything up, aren't I? You and Takada were disapproving of my course of actions since the very beginning. And now this happened. Just when we stripped Higuchi of all strength and were ready to deal him the last blow. Could you predict this, clever boy?"

I stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. Raito gritted his teeth in anger.

"That piece of shit is too high up. It's only been a year since his name started to mean something among the families, a single fucking year!" he jumped off the bed and directed his fist into a wall again. A piece of plaster fell off. "And there already are thousands of people tinkering with him, willing to sacrifice their lives for him. And what will happen in six months? In a year? Will he take over all the families? It's you I'm asking!"

"No one will allow him to do that. Eventually families will be forced to join forces in order to defeat him... You too don't have to fight him alone. Ask for help," I said as calmly as I could. In all honesty, my voice probably sounded too monotonous and uncaring for Raito glared at me.

"It's the matter of dignity, Lawliet. I must fight him alone. I joined the war he started and I will do everything I can to win it. At all costs. How am I going to look in the eyes of others when I'll crawl to them, asking to help me to deal with my problems? I'm not having anyone looking at us like we're a bunch of bitches."

"Dignity? I thought you were doing it out of vengeance. And the way you say it sounds like it's nothing but a game for you," I frowned, suddenly full of indignation. "I'm sorry to say this but right now your attitude can only be called childish. We don't have headquarters anymore, and as far as I understand we also don't have people. You can't win like this. Maybe people think that asking for help is beneath your dignity, but let them think that. What's acceptable for everyone else – is unacceptable for the leader. You have to be a cut above the others, remember?"

"Just. One. Last. Strike."

"You won't make it alone."

"I have you."

"Yes, but..." I choked on my words, dumbfounded by his foolish obstinacy. "Two of us is not enough, will never be enough! Ask for help from other clan leaders, that's the only way to win. Shima, Yamada, Himura – anyone of those who are rather weak and won't stand against Higuchi in the nearest future! You are sure to get their help and by that you will also gain new allies."

Raito kept his head low, hands balled into fists. He then snapped his head up and gave me a very unpleasant smile.

"No."

I took a sharp inhale through my nostrils, internally cursing Raito's mulish obstinacy for the umpteenth time.

"Why don't you set that stubborn brain of yours to 'on' for a change?" I said slowly, "Higuchi is not like you. He won't hesitate to attack without warning, violating the Code of Honor. He's got so many people mostly owing to the fact that he has money and not because he is a good leader or a fighter. It's offending, I understand... You worked hard, trained both your body and spirit, made sacrifices to gain what you have today..."

I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence because Raito literally lashed out at me, screaming his lungs out:

"No shit! You bet your ass I worked hard! But you understand nothing, you fucking smart ass! It wasn't you who went through all the mess and humiliation to get on top, it was me! And now I have to watch that fucktard Higuchi casually taking the reign and killing my people while pouring money into pockets of his ass lickers! And they are ready to blow him for what they get, they are ready to make him the chief even though they know he can't rule for shit! And you sit here being a little bitch, pursing your lips, judging me and pretending this means nothing to you!"

The silence that followed his words was ringing in my ears. For a long minute we stared at each other not saying a word. Then I lowered my feet on the floor and walked to the door.

"There is no point in talking to you. So long as you act so selfish we have nothing to discuss," I mumbled darkly, still in a state of disbelief. "I get it now. You hate Higuchi because he takes what you think is rightfully yours. But... hatred leads to anger, and anger – to mistakes. Make a wrong move and you'll destroy not only yourself but everything and everyone you have."

"Where'd you think you're going? I'm not done with you yet."

"And I've had enough of you."

Just as I was about to open the door, Raito caught me by the wrist and pulled my hand painfully. I didn't even notice him moving from his spot beside the window... I hissed, trying to wrench out but he threw me into a wall with practiced ease. The impact coursed through my body and I fell on the floor in a heap, wincing. I forgot how strong he was...

Before I regained my senses or could stand up, warm hands wrapped around me, enclosing me in embrace. I opened my eyes to see wisps of Raito's hair. He was sitting on the floor, head rested on my shoulder and and arms encircling my form.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered.

Despite everything that had happened, my heart clenched and I put my arms around him gingerly, tilting my face into his shoulder and detecting the faint smell of fabric softener, along with heated flesh and mild soap. The odd mix made my stomach lurch and that... _thing_ down south gave a noticeable twitch, making me wince again. I felt my face growing hot with shame while trying to stave off the heat rising in my whole being. God dammit, how could I had possibly gotten this flustered from just a hug?! Besides this was definitely not the time for having a boner. I prayed that Raito wouldn't notice anything.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Raito's words jerked me out of my thoughts as he distanced himself, placing his hands onto my shoulders. "I'm having a hard time keeping my temper in check lately..."

"That's okay," I smiled sourly.

"Lawliet, about things you said... I understand that we have close to zero chances. Heck, we can barely call ourselves a clan now, with less than hundred men alive. But I want to fight. I want to prove... that I am a good leader and friend. It's not about Higuchi getting to be a bigwig. Can't you understand? I want to do it for my friends whose lives were taken because of Higuchi."

I sighed and made another attempt to bring him to reason.

"The dead won't know what you did for them. But the living need you to be strong and sober-minded. You will lose everything if you continue the fight alone."

"I am not going to ask for help," he said in a warning tone. "Isn't there another way?"

"There is... But you won't like it."

"Spit it out."

"Ask for armistice."

Raito blinked. I stared.

"...What?" he slowly rose up to his feet. "You want me to do _what_?! Are you insane? No, I always knew that you are a little abnormal, but that..."

I saw it coming. Wincing tiredly, I kept my head low while Raito went on cluttering the air with his prickly, biting shouts and insults. All those curses and rudeness were nothing but emptiness, a handful of dust with which I could do nothing but wait for it to dispel. Perhaps beneath all those layers of crude words l could even reveal something sensible.

But it seemed my hopes were vain. Raito stopped his angry word-vomiting but still said nothing that made sense. Silence that was dangling in the room smelt of his offense, temper and inability to listen to the voice of reason.

"Are you finished?" I asked him.

The glare he gave me was very eloquent and promising but no new mud flow of words followed and I took his silence for 'yes'.

"Right now you can't make decisions. It would be better if you go and drink something strong to soothe your nerves. Or, I don't know, yell, shout some more, I will listen. In short, do anything whatever you personally think is necessary to bring your mental equilibrium back. And tomorrow you will go to Ryuk-san and tell him that you refuse to continue the fight with Higuchi. He will understand it."

Raito looked as if he was about to explode.

"That," I added steel edge to my tone, "is the only possible way for you to stay a good leader. The only way to avoid the carnage and losses."

"No way," Raito blurted desperately. "I'm not telling Ryuk that I'm quitting! Besides, now that I think of it, we can do it another way! We can follow the Code and I will challenge Higuchi to fight with me, just the two of us, he and I... It will be fair."

"The Code?" I grinned crookedly. "Well, first of all, do you really think that Higuchi will agree to fight you one on one, without his people backing him up? And even if he agrees, do you think he will do it the fair way? Higuchi doesn't give two hoots about the Code."

Raito's eyes were glancing nervously all over across the walls, looking for at least some clue.

"And what about your people, boss? You do understand that all of us will be dead because of your final war cry, don't you?" I dealt a decisive blow.

He looked me dead serious in the eyes. I continued:

"You know what's the worst thing about all this? It's that you understand everything very well. But your pride, your basic unwillingness to show a bit of submission leave us no choice. Everything you've been working for all these years will be ruined."

"So..." Raito quipped, "you mean to say that it won't be ruined if I submit to Higuchi? Come on. Either way I'm going to lose everything. Fan-fucking-tastic."

I didn't know with what to reply to that. Raito heaved out a sigh, gruntled "fuck that" and walked out of the room.


	14. XIV

** XIV**

I watched Raito as he wrapped his fingers around the door handle, ready to turn it and storm out of the room.

"You..." I said in undertone, "you are nothing but disappointment."

Raito halted. I was sitting on the bed, numb and void.

"Come again?" his voice was quiet but it did nothing to mask the anger that was radiating from him.

"You heard me."

He stayed silent for what felt like a good minute before he turned and looked at me with a mad grin.

"So what?" Raito asked, raising his hands in a mockingly questioning gesture. "Was your witty remark supposed to offend me in some way? Or did you want me to suddenly get all touched and rethink my actions? What did you expect?"

"Neither of what you've mentioned. How could I possibly expect anything from you?" I frowned, keeping our gazes interlocked. "I merely said what I think about you. I am greatly disappointed with you and your attitude."

"My attitude, eh? And who the fuck _are_ you to be telling _me_ off?"

Raito squinted his eyes, I couldn't help but feel sudden wave of anger and unreasonable aversion that swept over me. I hated when he acted so haughty. I hated it.

"I don't think I know. Perhaps you will be kind enough to tell me who am I to you?" I said, trying to sound lighthearted.

"Oh, I will. You're one cocky bastard who forgot his place. Watch your tongue, Lawliet. Don't think I'll turn blind eye to your insolence just because you are under my wardship. I am your boss."

I couldn't control myself any longer and openly snickered at his statement.

"Boss, you say. Well, enjoy these last minutes of being the boss. It's glaringly obvious that you are going to lose these last shreds of power in a matter of a few days."

I watched as color drained from Raito's face. He then pursed his lips and marched to me.

"Give me your hand."

"Why?" I looked at him, a little surprised. I honestly thought he was going to hit me.

"That's an order. Give me your fucking hand."

Frowning, I hesitated before reaching out with my hand to him, prepared for an attack. Raito grasped my wrist and forcefully yanked it to lay my hand on a nightstand.

"As much as I didn't want for this to ever happen, I guess I have no other choice," he said, pulling out a penknife from under the sleeve of his shirt. "I'm going to cut off your pinky. Perhaps it shall teach you a lesson."

"What?" I gasped, refusing to believe my ears. He couldn't be serious. No way.

"Bend in other fingers. You don't want all of them missing," Raito remarked casually, already taking sight.

"No way..." I whispered, all the horror of the situation suddenly dawning on me. What kind of barbarity was this?!

Absolutely petrified, I watched as Raito raised his hand. For some reason I found that I couldn't move. The penknife's blade glistened menacingly as he swiftly brought it down.

I screwed my eyes shut just before the blade reached its target. My whole body flinched as the dull sound rang throughout the room. But... no pain followed.

I let out a shaky breath and opened my eyes, staring at the knife that stood driven into the wooden surface of the nightstand, inches away from my little finger. I was gawking at it so hard that I could feel the strain in my eyes. My limbs felt limp and dump when Raito placed his hand atop of mine, squeezing it almost painfully.

I raised my gaze from the knife to his eyes, looking at him, stupefied. It felt like I should have said something, but I just couldn't bring myself to even think of anything, much less to open my mouth and voice any of the haphazard thoughts, fragments of which were racing in my mind.

Raito closed his eyes for a second, let out a sigh, cursed under his breath and released my hand. He then turned his back to me, obviously ready to leave the room.

"You... Where are you going?" I whispered hoarsely, still shaken with the pure shock I'd been subjected to.

"Does it really matter?" he more stated than asked in a quiet voice.

"You've just nearly cut off my finger."

"Nearly. So?"

"So?" I could feel my brows flying up my forehead in indignation. "Aren't you going to say something about that?"

"And what do you want me to say?" Raito turned his head to give me a glare.

I nearly choked on my breath. Was he fucking serious?

"You've nearly turned me into a cripple!"

"Nearly," his eyes squinted even more as he frowned. "What's your problem? You're in one piece, aren't you? Or do you, perhaps, want me to present my apologies for scaring you shitless? Are you that pathetic?"

"Pathetic?" I frowned, feeling the anger rapidly building up in me. "They say apple never falls far from the tree. If I, your apprentice, am pathetic, what does it make you?"

"I see you insist on having one excess finger," Raito hissed, walking up to me once more. "Shut your mouth and don't anger me further, Lawliet."

At this point I myself was so angry that I didn't care it was my boss I was talking to, that it was the person I loved whom I mocked. Only Raito could piss me off so much.

"Else what?" I asked in apathetic tone, "Will you throw another tantrum? Come on. Grow up already."

I stared into his eyes, all of a sudden feeling invincible. It was probably due to my state of pique that I'd become so brazen, but I couldn't care less. This moment I hated Raito for acting as a hypocrite, pretending to be strong while he even didn't have enough strength to actually hurt me.

"Why aren't you doing anything? Where are your threats and fits? Why don't you punch me?" I kept egging on. "Aren't you furious right now? Don't you want to make me pay for my insolence? Or are you scared to prove me right by acting childish?"

My flow of words was interrupted when Raito clutched me by the collar and yanked me to him. I smirked triumphantly.

"Bastard," he hissed and unexpectedly let go of me, thus making me fall on the bed. He waited for me to sit up and then a hard slap burned my cheek, making my head jerk to the side.

I put my hand to my face, cradling the side of it that was now flaring from the impact. Looking up, I saw Raito shaking from anger, still standing in front of me.

"Beg for forgiveness." He said in a strained voice.

"...No," I uttered quietly, not breaking the eye contact. "I fail to see how am I guilty."

He raised his hand and slapped me again, hitting the same cheek. Now it was stinging almost unbearably.

"Beg," he whispered, barely suppressing his ire.

"Make me. Hit me like a fucking man," I forced out a crooked smile. "Are you going to attack Higuchi like this? First yell all your resentment at him and then proceed to slapping his face?"

I saw as the pupils of Raito's eyes dilated before narrowing to the point where they became nothing but a tiny black spots. Obeying some inner, guttural instinct, I flopped down on the bed with my back, a half of second before Raito's fist ripped the air in the place where my face had been.

"You didn't expect that, did you?" I asked, looking at the expression of surprise Raito had on his face. "I told you to hit me, yes. But I never said it would be easy."

I was fully expecting him to launch at me and probably smother me to death after these words. Knowing Raito's temper, being in this enraged, he undoubtably could kill me and not even notice it for a few good minutes. So, summing up and quickly estimating the situation, I braced myself for a brawl. And somehow, I didn't feel scared or unsure of myself this time. Even more, I was certain that I could be on par with him, I wanted for him to fight me.

"Is that all you've got?" I asked, still waiting for his attack.

A frown creased Raito's forehead as he closed his eyes for just a moment.

"Fuck off," he whispered, turning his back to me. "I'm out."

Just before he could make a move towards the door again, I grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled at it roughly, making him stagger and fall down on the bed. Innerly, I wondered at the ease with which I'd made him lose his balance. I knew that when he wanted, he could withstand far more forceful pushes. But now he fell from just a tug on the sleeve. It almost felt like he hadn't even tried to resist. And I didn't like it. Wasn't it his way of showing that he didn't deem me a worthy opponent?

Before Raito could sit up, I climbed on top of him and hit his face with my fist. His head jolted to the side limply, hair sweeping and covering his eyes. He didn't turn his head to look at me, he didn't try to push me off or even do so much as move. He just lay there, motionless and flaccid, like a rag doll. And I couldn't understand what was I feeling the moment when I raised my fist again and bashed his chest. Somehow, his lack of reaction managed to both scare and anger me.

"Fight," I uttered hoarsely, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking them. "You hear me? Fight!"

I hit him again, my fist painfully collided with his collarbone. A few long moments of silence stretched between us. Finally Raito opened his mouth and said, still not bothering to look at me:

"Is this what you want? A fight?"

I barely had time to nod before he brought his fist up and painfully smacked me in the shoulder, then pushing me off him and making me stagger from the bed to stand on my feet. Raito barely gave me a second to regain my senses – his fist was already sent flying to my face. I ducked down, escaping the hit, and swiftly turned to stand behind him, tightly wrapping my arm around his neck, smothering. What I didn't expect was for him to clutch into my hand and pointedly lean forward. The next thing I knew, I was turned head over heels and smacked against the floor beneath Raito's feet. The fall caused my breath to get knocked out of me and my eyesight went black. For a few seconds I lay still, trying to regain both my breathing and vision.

"Are you satisfied?" I heard Raito's voice above me and soon I managed to discern his face. He was looking at me with annoyed expression. Sighing, he reached with his hand to me and prompted: "Come on, take my hand and stand up. Are you okay?"

"I guess I am," I said, taking his hand and standing to my feet. Our hands were still in a lock and seeing that this was a perfect opportunity, I twisted Raito's hand, making him gasp in pain. Before he could make a move, I punched and then kicked him.

"What the fuck you think you're doing?" Raito spat, turning to glare at me.

I didn't answer and lashed out at him again, but before I could hit him, Raito caught my fist in his hand and then punched me in the face. We grappled in a fight which didn't really last long. While my goal was to hit Raito, he seemed to try and get me off him. Eventually he succeeded with his task and threw me on the bed, both of us ended up with broken noses and a few bruises.

I was wincing and rubbing off the blood from my face when Raito sent me a final glare and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind his back.

* * *

After getting myself decent after our 'conversation' I found that boss had already left the house. It was getting pretty late, and after the initial shock of that day's events had passed, everyone felt hungry. One of the guys decided to order a take out from a nearby restaurant and some time later all of us (with the exception of Raito who'd gone god knows where) were sitting in the living room, having a dinner.

"Where boss at?" a tall guy with blond hair, Tomoe, asked me.

"Have no idea."

"He probably went to visit Takada," Nobu said thoughtfully. "No surprises there. He and Takada are pretty close. If she dies, boss will be completely devastated."

"Isn't he already?," I felt a stir of uneasiness as I said these words. "We've lost so much..."

"Everything will get even worse if he loses Takada," Tomoe said darkly.

"Why is that?"

"Gosh, Lawliet, since when are you so oblivious?" another guy, Nishizono, gave a nervous laugh. Upon glancing at him I remembered meeting him for the first time two years ago. Back then he'd impressed me with his badass undercut long hair and abundance of earrings. "I thought everyone knew that boss and Takada-san are an item."

"That's right," Tomoe nodded with a serious look. "If only both of them weren't so protective about their private lives, they'd have declared it long time ago. And now, if boss is going to lose her, he's certain to get completely shattered..."

I stared at him, speechless. In my opinion and from what I'd learned while constantly being around the two, Raito and Kiyomi didn't mix. At all. Since the moment I'd met them, they'd been yelling each other hoarse with insults and arguments. The only moments they'd been getting along were when it came to attacking an enemy. And, indeed,_ t_hey worked well together and their murderous duo got everyone pretty much convinced that Raito and Kiyomi had always been in a secret love/hate relationship. I begged to differ. They were similar in nature to the point of oddity, but they weren't compatible at all. If Raito wanted this, then Kiyomi wanted that. They seemed to be a perfect couple, but under the surface, both of them were too demanding and conceited to genuinely love each other.

"Bullshit," Mikami sneered. I gave him a brief look. Who knew that Teru shared my views on their relationship? "The loss of Takada might be a serious blow for us but surely boss won't dwell on that fact."

"What?" Tomoe seemed astonished. "But..."

"Alright, boys, cut the bullcrap," Nobu interfered into the exchange. "While Takada-san's death is a reason for all of us to grieve, right now we should get prepared for a fight against the enemy. Today's happenings can't be overlooked. "

"Can someone please explain to me what exactly happened?" I asked, in hopes to finally learn the truth.

"Oh, right. You were missing from your shift today." Nobu recalled, looking at me. "We got attacked by Higuchi's syndicate. It all happened too quickly for us to be able to resist their blow. We saw a squadron of cars outside our premises, and before anyone could alert others, they bombarded us. Grenades went off in mere seconds... I was on the fifth floor with Takada-san when that happened. The building shook like it was an earthquake happening there, but certainly an earthquake couldn't cause such noise. Takada and I rushed down, and while we were on our way, we could already hear gun shots. There happened three more explosions after we dashed downstairs. The headquarters were not designed to resist such a damage and soon the ceiling and walls began to cave in, crushing everyone who wasn't fast enough. We didn't make it to the first floor in time – got cornered by Higuchi's gang on the second flight of stairs. Takada reacted far more faster than I and killed good half of them before I could even get my gun. Then she screamed something to me, I didn't really hear what she was saying... But she pushed me aside, a second before the ceiling collapsed... It buried under its shambles both her and the remaining men... The rest of our family, the ones that were still alive, fought the intrusion but it all ended too quickly. As soon as they saw that the building was ruined, they jumped back in their cars and drove away. We were going to try and rescue our men, tend the wounded, get Takada out of the debris, god dammit. But we knew the police were going to arrive at the scene very soon. What were we supposed to do? I got a phone call and boss told us to leave the place immediately. And so we did..."

Nobu fell silent. Frown that he wore was made of tens of harsh, deep indents that crossed his face in grim lines, creating an illusion of carved wood.

"Never before have I felt so helpless," he said quietly. "To have Takada sacrifice her life in order to bail me out, and then not getting a chance to save her in return – that what makes the blood in my veins boil with rage. If only boss was with us when that happened, perhaps we wouldn't have lost in such a pathetic fashion."

"Where was he?" I asked under my breath.

"At some kind of a gathering," Mikami snarled. "The oyabun, Ryuk-san, was holding a meeting today. All of the clan leaders should have been there."

"What a bad timing..." Nishizono heaved out a sigh.

"Are we the only one who stayed alive?" I questioned. Surely, there were ought to be other of our brothers and sisters out there. Our family numbered about three hundred people, hundred of which were mostly working within the headquarters.

"No, of course not," Kagoshima arched his eyebrow, his voice conveying bitter irony. "There are others, but we've been getting their petitions to leave the family all day long. We are the ones who survived the attack and decided to stay with boss till the end."

"Traitors?" I felt my eyes rounding unwillingly.

"No better word to describe them," Nobu nodded. "To leave us in hard times... Of course, most of the apostates are newbies, kids who haven't gone through the initiation ceremony and merely wanted to play bad. But it was a bad surprise for me to find out that some of our old fellows decided to quit, too."

"That means... we have no hope left whatsoever?"

Guilty faces and sad sighs served as an answer to my question. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I re-opened them, the first thing I saw was Mikami glaring at me. Not with hatred but with contempt.

"What is it, Teru?" I asked him, more than a little confused.

"Well would you look at that," he said, voice dripping with disgust. "And here I thought that if there was anyone of us who would believe in boss until the end of times, then it was you. How foolish of me."

"You make no sense," I frowned and just when I wanted to return to eating my dinner, Mikami raised from his seat and put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing and pulling at it painfully.

"Let's go out," he said.

"Later."

"Now." His grip became even more tight and I winced.

"Can't you say whatever's on your mind here?"

"Do you want me to say that here?" Our eyes interlocked and somehow it became clear to me that I wouldn't be pleased if everyone heard things that he wanted to tell me.

"Fine. I'll go with you."

* * *

The front door squeaked pitifully when Mikami slammed it shut.

"Well? What's the matter?" I asked Teru when he turned around. His eyes examined me for a moment before he briskly walked to me and hit his fist into my face without any warning.

"Aw! What the hell was that for?!" I yelped, holding my cheek. Teru looked at me with icy eyes and said:

"Serves you right."

"Have you gone completely crazy?"

"No. Have you?"

"I'm not the one punching people in the face without any reason."

"Uh-huh. But you're the one quitting on boss."

I took a sharp inhale and glared at Teru who now had his arms crossed over his chest.

"So that's what you're fussing about. Just so you know, I'm not quitting."

"Oh yeah? Then what the hell are you doing, persuading boss to give up his pride and submit to Higuchi?" he hissed, and gave a sarcastic laugh when noticing my staring. "What, you thought your conversation will be a secret? The walls here are paper thin, everyone heard how you two were yelling at each other."

"So what? Aren't I right? We are certain to fail miserably if we continue the war. Can't you understand? We've already lost."

"Do you want to get punched again? I can do that," Teru clenched his hands into fists. "I don't care what you personally think. What matters is our boss' decisions."

"Not when he's going to make such a glaringly obvious mistake."

"Oh? Weren't you the one who told me that boss has never been wrong before? Weren't you the one who kept supporting him and defending his methods? And now what? You've changed your mind all of a sudden?"

"What are you even talking about?" I couldn't help frustration and anger slipping in my voice. "When will it sip through that thick skull of yours that I'm wishing well for him! He'll die if he goes along with his initial plan! Do you want that?! What I'm trying to do here is to save everyone!"

"No one needs you to be a fucking hero, saving everyone!" Teru shouted in response. "How can you be so freaking dumb, oh my god! Boss doesn't need your guidance or advices, got it?! You've became too insolent, you forgot about your place. Our job is to comply with orders and support our oyabun."

"But I..."

"I don't care about you or what you think. Just wanted to remind you that all of us here swore to stay with boss until the very end. And if he chooses death, then so be it. I'll gladly find my end in a battle, defending my boss and my dignity instead of having to live in humiliation. Because what you suggest him to do is an utter disgrace."

I kept my silence, looking at Teru. He seemed livid and... hurt. His usually pale cheeks got a feverish color and eyes were glistening with resentment. But his words were sharp and right in a ridiculous way. Indeed... It was written in the Code that the oyabun's decisions were not to be discussed or doubted. It went without words that we were ought to give up on our lives if it was needed. As well as the oyabun himself was ought to stay loyal to his principles and die with a weapon in his hand. Perhaps it was Raito's influence that made people around him so devoted to written rules that otherwise could have been neglected. Or maybe Yagami was that specific kind of person who caused an ennobling and addicting effect on those who were around him, subsequently making them behave more honorably but also dependently. I, for one, could have never expected Mikami to become such a faithful hairsplitter obeying the rules. And damn, how stupid and laughably valiant those rules were...

"I'm disappointed with you, Lawliet," Teru said after a minute of our mutual silence. "I never thought of you as of a coward but it seems I was wrong."

I didn't respond. Mikami let out a heavy sigh, shook his head and turned away, ready to take his leave. Before he opened the door he looked at me one last time:

"Do what you will, but don't you ever again try persuading boss to give up. I will kill you if you do. And I'm not kidding this time around."

* * *

As soon as the night descended everyone in the house started preparing for sleep. Since there were eleven people in the house now, it was almost immediate that a line to a bathroom appeared. Those who wasn't busy in there were sent to seek for futons, blankets and pillows. It was decided that the only bed in the house would stay empty in case Raito would come back later in the night, while others would use the floor in the living room as a cot.

Ten minutes of searches for the bedding later, I wasn't surprised to find out that there wasn't enough of it for everyone. Together with two other guys we found only three spare futons, five pillows and five plaids. When we dragged them out of a closet, a strong smell of dust, which betrayed how much time that bedding had spent unattended, hit my nostrils.

"Looks like we will have to share these," Nishizono stated darkly.

"How exactly are we going to do that?" Tomoe raised his eyebrows, puzzled. "Unless..."

"Yes. We'll have two-three people sleeping under the same blanket."

And so it was decided. Thankfully there were two sofas in the house so that despite the obvious shortage of futons everyone could sleep more or less comfortably. Since they were the eldest (and biggest) among us, Nobu and Kagoshima were the ones who took places on the sofas. I, to my dismay, had to share a bed with Nishizono and Mikami. The latter didn't seem delighted about the prospect, too, but since when he emerged from the bathroom other beds were already taken, Teru had no choice but to submit to his fate.

Soon enough the room got filled with quiet light breathing and occasional snores. I lay on the edge of the futon, too tensed up to let my mind drift into sleep. Nishizono, who was laying between me and Teru, seemed to have fallen asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. His breath was deep and steady. The only thing about him that wasn't exactly peaceful was his murmuring and occasional jerks of his limbs. Soon enough my back started to feel numb but I didn't dare to move, afraid that I would wake up my unwilling bedmates. And so I lay, awkwardly staring into the darkness and trying to guess if everyone was already asleep.

I didn't notice when I lost the track of my thoughts and closed my eyes. But it seemed that mere seconds passed when I woke up with a start, barely restraining myself from shrieking. The reason of my surprise was Nishizono who being a restless sleeper slapped his hand across my face. For a few seconds I lay still, too shocked to move. Nishizono's hand was still resting on my face comfortably. I removed it from me as carefully as I could, simultaneously trying to even my heartbeat. I sat up, deciding to go in the kitchen and drink some water in order to calm down. A loud snore rang throughout the room, making me flinch violently. Nishizono once again mumbled something and shifted on the futon, pushing me aside with his leg and grabbing my part of the plaid.

"Whatever," I grumbled quietly, standing up and watching the guy who literally robbed me of my bed smile contentedly. "I can't sleep here anyway."

Getting out of the living room, I decided to go outside to get some fresh air. Even though it was spring, nights were rather cool still, so for a few moments I pondered over finding my backpack and getting my coat from it, but eventually I changed my mind, thinking that I was certain to make noises and wake everyone. So I merely put on my sneakers and opened the front door, trying to keep low.

A pleasant coolness embraced me as soon as the first gust of air blew into my face. I sighed, pleased, and sat on the stairs, aimlessly watching the quiet street before my eyes. Somehow my mind started wondering and soon enough I found myself thinking about Mikami's words that he said to me earlier in the day. And truth be told, I couldn't make out who of us was right. Was it him, who stood for obeying rules and sticking to those glaringly dumb notions, or me, who wished to be reasonable? What bothered me mostly, however, was that I stopped understanding Raito. What exactly was he striving for? All the things he said didn't make sense, didn't come up to one conclusion. His precision kept hopping from one goal to another and try as I might, I couldn't understand which one of his aims was the real one. And mostly I suspected that he was afraid of not losing his people, but the power he had. All his words of staying strong and being noble seemed nothing but a load of romantic bullshit concocted to make a believable lie. The situation we found ourselves in was a train-wreck and he did nothing to prevent horrible consequences...

I lowered my head, threading fingers through hair and pulling at it anxiously. But what if I wasn't right? What if staying with Raito and supporting his decisions, however reckless they might have been, was just the right thing to do? Was I losing faith in him? Was I really quitting?.. The feeling of guilt washed over me. I almost wanted to growl in frustration, not knowing what to think anymore. One thing that I knew for certain was that the most unexpected had happened – my trust in Yagami gave a giant crack.

A sound of car's engine and fast approaching headlights distracted me from my gloomy thoughts. I raised my head up to see a familiar looking vehicle parking just outside the house. Then the door opened and the object of my musings got out of the car and started moving towards the house. Judging by his gait, he was perfectly sober – the fact which surprised me greatly. I honestly expected Raito to get drunk this night. He almost passed by me but jerked his head up last moment and looked at me, surprised.

"Lawliet... You nearly scared me. Why are you sitting here? Having problems falling asleep?" he asked.

I nodded and turned my gaze to look at the road again. For a few silent moments I felt Raito's eyes at me and half-expected him to go inside, but he moved to sit down beside me. With my peripheral vision I saw him hanging his head down and clasping his hands together.

"Takada's dead." His voice was dull, almost listless. "Passed away a few hours after she was rushed to hospital."

I turned my eyes to look at him. Upon interlocking our gazes, I felt suddenly scared at the fact that I didn't feel anything – nor usual embarrassment, nor tenderness, nothing. Nothing. Perhaps I should've told him something that moment but the hollowness that had formed in my soul didn't allow me to even think of the right words, much less say them. So I nodded again and let myself observe the empty street further. At least it wasn't as strange as to look at him without getting all those feelings I usually did.

"I also visited the oyabun..." Raito continued. A pause that followed his words made me look at him once more. He still kept his head low so I couldn't make out the expression of his face. "He has blocked the clan's bank account. And reissued all papers of our enterprises."

I watched Raito silently. His lips stretched in a bitter smile.

"I am no longer the leader. The day after tomorrow Ryuk will officially announce my discharge."

Now I truly didn't know what to say. It almost felt like I was having a nightmare and simply was refusing to wake up. Maybe it was nothing but a bad dream that I was having due to my indisposition earlier in the day?.. Maybe I'd wake up in an hour only to find myself in our apartment with Raito standing above me, looking at me with worried eyes and checking my temperature?..

"Talk about the slap in the face." Raito's voice ruined all the fragile hopes. He then looked at me and quite unexpectedly he smiled. His hand descended on my head, ruffling my hair gently. "I'm sorry, Lawliet. I hope you won't get too angry with me for failing you as your mentor. Sorry that we didn't have much time to spend together. But I'm glad I showed you something more in life rather than the walls of your parents' house."

His last words made something break inside of me. A cold shiver of fear went down my spine.

"Why do you say that?" my words came out in a whisper. "Don't."

"I'm afraid this is the last chance I'll ever get to tell you that I'm sorry," he smiled again. That got me even more terrified.

"Stop it."

"Why?"

"You're making it sound like a... farewell, " I stuttered.

"I'm sorry," he said once again. I mutely shook my head. Raito sighed. "I don't want this to be a farewell either. I just... want to get it out of my chest while I still can. I'm sorry, Lawliet. For everything. It's a shame I can't say the same to everyone right now... When it'll be over with, try to live your life to the fullest, alright?"

"W-why? Why are you saying all this?"

He didn't reply. Instead, he gave me another smile and the look in his eyes at that moment was so ineffably tender and sorrowful that it shook me to the very core.

"Silly. I'm saying it because I want to. Haven't I told you already?"

I couldn't force myself to speak and just kept staring at him, as though expecting him to laugh and tell me it was all a joke. But no such words came. He didn't say a thing more to me. I watched as Raito stood up and went to his car. Before getting inside he smiled at me again and just a minute later all I could see were the rear lights of his car that was rapidly driving away.

Absolutely stupefied, I watched now empty street, not even taking a notice of the tremor that was shaking my body visibly. I woke up from that stupor only when I tasted blood pouring from my lower lip that I bit into a little too hard.

What the hell was going on? Was he serious?.. Was Raito seriously going to try and gun down Higuchi, alone? What was he thinking?! What kind of a stupid proverbial swan song was that?! I shook my head. This had to be a bad dream. I pinched skin on my arms to try and wake myself. The pain was there as well as the redness that promised to turn into bruises, but the so much desired awakening didn't come.

And what exactly was I supposed to do now? Call him and try to talk him out of that absolutely insane plan that he was so adamant on implementing? Inform the police about what was going to happen? Go after him? My mind kept racing at such a desperate speed that I soon felt blood pounding in the temples of my head. Good god, I was seriously getting desensitized because of that man who seemed to had been programmed to search out the most dangerous ways of going about the problem and throw himself headfirst into the arms of death. And even though I still couldn't embrace the notion of fighting and dying for oyabun, I knew that I wouldn't let Raito die just like that because... Screw the reasoning. I didn't need any of it to save the one I loved.

Jumping to my feet, I bursted back into the house, turning on the lights and shaking everyone awake.

"Gosh... What time is it? What happened, Lawliet?" their voices were groggy while they looked at me with bleary eyes, wincing from the bright light.

"Boss... He's going to attack Higuchi's headquarters," I rasped, suddenly out of breath.

"That much has been clear all along. Did you wake everyone up to tell about your discovery, Einstein?" Mikami jeered, putting on his glasses and looking at me with resentment. Despite the situation being of the utmost urgency, I couldn't help but notice how strangely young and funny he looked with his hair being a mess while wearing those glasses instead of usual contacts.

"He went there about twenty minutes ago," I said. "He's on his way now and he'll probably get there in a few minutes. I'm going to follow him."

I watched as confusion plastered itself all over their faces. Their silence signaled of disbelieve.

"If some of you are willing... please, come with me..." I pleaded.

"What?.."

"We need to help him, god damn you!" I shouted, balling my fists in helpless anger. "He'll die there!"

I shouldn't have get as surprised as I did when Mikami was the first to rise up. He looked at me with a solemn expression on his face and said in a low voice:

"Let's go."

"Teru-kun, this is insane..." Nishizono murmured, clutching at Mikami's pants. "We are all going to die there... Higuchi's headquarters are heavily guarded."

"So what? We were prepared for the worst outcome." he shrugged and walked to me. "Let's go, Lawliet. Even if it's just two of us."

That's was the only thing I liked in Mikami – he never wasted words and leaped into action immediately. Most probably he just tried to mimic Raito doing so, but it was a good feature of his nonetheless.

I nodded and looked at the agitated faces of other men. While waiting for Mikami to make final preparations before departing, I said:

"Our senior advisor, Takada-san, passed away. The supreme oyabun deprived our clan of existence, so... this will be our last night as a family. Boss didn't give me any instructions pertaining your fates, and I think by that he gave you a right to decide for yourselves... I am not sure if I'm going to survive this night so... Thank you," I bowed, "for everything."

"Sooner or later everything comes to an end..." Nobu smiled crookedly and got up from the sofa. "Boys, you are not going anywhere without me."

"Thank you," I nodded. "We shouldn't waste any more time."

Nobu, Mikami and I were just about to leave the house when few voices halted us:

"Wait. We'll go with you."

"Thank you." I turned around. "But we won't wait for you to prepare, there's no time left. Please, take another car, I'm sure you know the address."

And so we left. Mikami volunteered to drive the car while Nobu sat on the backseat, fiddling with a large backpack.

"Crap," he spat and fixed the bandana on his head. "Looks like we're going to come to them like a lamb to the slaughter. I only have a shotgun and a few shells to it. No body protection whatsoever."

"Me too," Teru frowned. "I got my dagger and a gun which doesn't have a lot of ammo. What about you, Lawliet?"

"I snatched two of my pistols when escaping apartment," I sighed. "Both have magazines with a capacity of 15 rounds, but I don't have any spare bullets. It's not enough."

"Welp, shit. Looks like we'll have to take what we need from the hands of our dead opponents," Mikami smirked.

"I like your way of thinking, Teru!" Nobu guffawed.

For unknown to me reason, it didn't feel like we were consciously going to face death. Because, certainly, we had no chances to come out there alive with this much men. If only we had someone else backing us up...

Nobu kept laughing and cracking jokes, Mikami was displaying the best side of him, coming with smart and witty remarks to Nobu's antics. I couldn't force myself to even do so much as smile. Agitated beyond believe, I constantly felt as if I had forgotten to do something very important. And try as I might, I couldn't figure out what that thing was.

"...so me and that old dumbass Matsu went to that bar..." I heard Nobu telling another story. I didn't bother listening further, mind catching and grasping at one name in Nobu's story. _Matsu_. My eyes widened. Of course! Matsuda, that policeman who'd helped Raito countless times. He certainly wasn't a fighter and couldn't team up with us against Higuchi, but he had connections in police. Perhaps, if he could call the police in right time, we still had a small chance...

I hurriedly fished out my cell phone from the pocket and searched for his number, wasting no time to dial it as soon as I stumbled on it. After a few long tones a familiar voice asked cautiously:

"Hello?"

"Matsuda-san, it's Lawliet. Do you remember me?"

"Lawliet? Of course I remember you," he laughed sheepishly and paused. "Did you want something? I'm quite busy here."

"Yagami-san is in trouble," I told him quietly. "We need your help."

"Huh?"

"Please, send policemen to Higuchi's headquarters. There is a gun fight going on there right now. I assure you that we will willingly surrender after..." before I could finish the sentence, I felt Mikami tugging at my sleeve and looking at me with crazy eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he hissed.

"I'm trying to save us," I mouthed to him and returned to the conversation with the policeman. "Matsuda-san?"

"Er... You see, Lawliet, I'm afraid I can't do that," he said with a sigh.

"Why?.. I'm not asking of too much, am I?"

"Raito asked me to abstain from doing that," the policeman confessed.

"Don't listen to him! He doesn't know what he's talking about! He's practically committing a suicide right now!"

"Eh? Really?" Matsuda asked me, surprised. "From what I see, it doesn't look like that."

"...What do you mean?"

"Hang on for a minute," he said hurriedly and judging by a thump sound I heard next moment, Matsuda put his phone aside. Then I heard him talking in a broken English to someone: "Uh, Matt, camera show next room. Next room camera. Understand? Comprende?"

"Yep," another muffled voice was heard. This time it was clear that the speaker was a foreigner. "You don't have to talk to me in English, you know? I'm quite fluent in Japanese."

"Er... Sorry," Matsuda said in English again.

I gave my phone round eyes. What the hell was going on there? I expected Matsuda to pick up the phone after he was done talking to that Matt person, but then I heard him fiddling with something before starting to talk again, this time in Japanese:

"Alright, Raito, I see you. Go to the thirteenth floor, it's the shortest way to get to Higuchi. Huh? Well, he's already hidden in his office so I can no longer observe him, no cameras there, sorry. Oh! People are coming from the right of you. Five men. Looks like they're also bringing new forces, so be prepared. They'll get to you in about a minute." Matsuda paused and then giggled. "Yeah, this guy here is a techno-whizz. So many times we unsuccessfully tried to hack into Higuchi's headquarter's ССTV, and he did it just like that! Where did you find him? Oh, would you mind waiting a second? I have a phone call here..."

Finally Matsuda picked up his phone again and told me hastily:

"Sorry, can't talk to you right now. Please don't get mad at me but I won't call police until Raito tells me so."

And with that he hung up. But in all honesty, I didn't care anymore. A smile stretched my lips and I breathed with relief.

"What's the matter?" Teru asked. I looked at him, still smiling. "Why are you grinning like an idiot?"

"Boss has people directing him the way there," I said, "he still has a chance."

"Of course he does," Mikami rolled his eyes. "Boss is truly impressive."

"Indeed, a wise move from him," Nobu said, nodding his head with respect.

I lowered my head, hiding the smile that had only grown wider. Sighing, I then looked outside a window to watch scenery change as the car drove swiftly. Night was coming to its end and the sun was slowly rising at the horizon.


	15. XV

**XV**

"Now let's make some noise in this bitch!" Nobu exclaimed as soon as the car stopped few meters away from Higuchi's clan's premises. It didn't surprised me to notice that the premises themselves looked highly presentable, having a spacious parking lot and nice lawn with flowers and modern sculptures before the tall main building – after all it was one of the downtown districts Higuchi's headquarters was located at. _'Well, Higuchi is insanely rich,'_ I thought, shaking my head. Our headquarters, for one, had had only five floors and no such fancy exterior.

We got out of the car and walked closer to take a better look at the skyscraper before us. It gave an impression its walls were made of mirrors so there was no telling what was going on inside. As soon as we stepped onto a plate below the front doors, the folds slid open soundlessly, ushering us to come inside.

The big hall we found ourselves in was veiled with remains of a smoke-screen. My throat and eyes started to itch, but still I couldn't look away from a scene before me: on the floor were laying dozens of men. All of them appeared dead.

"Wouldn't it be wiser to keep it low?" I questioned in a whisper. "At least, judging by the surroundings, boss tried to keep everything quiet. Won't do any good if we mess up his efforts."

"What do you mean?" Teru raised his eyebrow at me. Before I could answer, Nobu smirked and said:

"I get you. No signs of a shoot-out here. Just corpses."

"He probably didn't want to draw attention of passers by," I said, keeping my voice quiet. "And judging by the small amount of spilled blood, boss got everyone here by surprise. Most probably these men didn't get a real chance to resist his attack for he obviously used some kind of a toxic gas on them first and then killed the remained ones. Besides, I noticed some bomblets scattered around the floor. From the looks of it, there was some kind of chemical weapon stored in them. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case."

Teru sniffed scornfully and started to an elevator. There he stopped and pressed call button.

"Whatever," he muttered, "We're not playing Sherlock Holmes, so cut the bullcrap and let's find boss. He's probably on one of the upper floors by now."

"Yes, you are right," I nodded, walking to him. "From what I know from the call, he was going to the thirteenth floor. But it was ten minutes ago."

"Well, call again and ask where we can find him," Teru shrugged. The doors of the elevator cabin's opened and he stepped inside, me and Nobu following his movements. I pulled out my cell phone and started dialing Matsuda's number, but before I could hit the call button, the phone went off, startling me. I looked at the screen and saw that it was no other than Matsuda calling.

"I was just about to call you," I said, picking up.

"Yeah, I could see that," the policeman answered. "Before you ask me of anything, know that Raito ordered you to leave immediately."

"You told him about us?"

"I promised to tell him about everyone who enters the building."

"Good god," I sighed and smacked the palm of my hand against my face. "Tell him that we are not going to do as he said."

"Okay," he said and judging by his next words, he started to talking to my boss: "They refuse to leave."

A few seconds of silence followed. Then Matsuda addressed me again:

"Raito insists you leave," he paused, obviously listening to Raito correcting his words. "He says he will kill all of you as soon as you show up."

"Tell him that I don't give a damn about his threats."

"Okay..." Matsuda gave a cough before conveying my reply to Raito, repeating my words down to a tee. This time silence lasted a little longer. "Er... Raito says he will make your death especially long and painful if you dare to disobey him."

"Just tell me on which floor he is right now," I frowned. "Oh, and tell Raito that I didn't believe a single word."

Matsuda didn't bother replying me and simply told boss what I'd said. This time, however, he didn't convey Raito's reply immediately. Instead, he continued talking to Raito in a rather flabbergasted voice:

"What? No, I can't say that to him. That's rude!"

"Tell him that he can throw insults and threats all he wants, but it won't stop us from finding him," I butted in.

"This shit takes too long," Mikami frowned and pressed the fourteenth floor button, sending the elevator to ascend to one of the top stories.

Meanwhile, Matsuda had only grown more flustered while talking to both me and Raito at the same time:

"He says he'll find you anyway... What? No, gosh, no! Are you really going to do that to him? Is that even physically possible?"

"What did he say?" I asked, suddenly intrigued.

"He said he'd rip off your...ugh... genitals, shove them into your... mmm... rectum and throw you out of a window like that," Matsuda said, and even though I couldn't see his face, I could swear that he was red as a lobster. I couldn't help chuckling quietly and that made the poor policeman snap.

"You know what, I'm done! Just talk to each other, guys!"

I wouldn't mind keeping the ridiculous bicker, but the elevator came to a stop, swaying gently. The folds slid open and immediately I was greeted by the sight of my boss who was squatting while wiping the blade of his sword on one of the dead bodies at his feet and reprimanding an invisible interlocutor.

"...am going to do that to you, too. And trust me, you're not going to like it. Now be so kind to tell Lawliet and others to fuck off and hang up your stupid phone already. I still need you to tell me where to go next."

"Rude, indeed," I sighed as three of us walked to our boss. Raito turned with his blade pointed at me before anyone of us could even blink.

"Hold on, Touta, I got a hindrance here," he said and it was just then that I noticed a glimpse of a hands-free device that was mostly hidden under his hair. Raito suddenly winced and made an annoyed expression. "Yes, yes, I know. I won't. I told you I won't!"

Even though I knew that Raito was talking to Matsuda, it was still weird to watch him yell and make faces at an empty place. In all honesty it gave an impression that boss had suddenly gone mad. Mikami and Nobu exchanged meaningful glances, obviously thinking along the same lines with me.

"Now about three of you," Raito heaved out a sigh before looking at us. "Get out."

He didn't care to say a word more and walked past us in a brisk pace. Stupefied, we watched him turning into one of the corridors and disappearing inside of it. Mikami was the first one to come to and elbow both Nobu and me:

"Well don't just stand here!"

Thankfully, Raito hadn't got enough time to venture too far. We saw him reloading a pistol while taking a shelter behind some sort of a big copy machine.

"Boss," I called him in a whisper, tip-toeing closer. He shot me a very annoyed and tired look and then grasped my jeans, gave them a pull and successfully dragged me down.

"At least keep quiet and don't bother me if you're going to hang out here," he hissed.

I looked at him, unsure what to say. In all honesty, I felt a little offended. I'd been beyond worried about him all this time, I'd woken everyone and dragged them here just to receive such a cold welcome. Nobu and Mikami squatted down beside me, looking at boss with worry.

"But..." before I could finish my thought, Raito stopped my mouth by pressing his palm against my lips. I screwed up my face in disgust at both smell and feeling – Raito's arms up to elbows were covered in a thick layer of cold, partially dried up blood. Before I protested, however, there resounded the clacks of hurried but hushed footsteps that were coming from the depths of the hallway. I turned my eyes to look at Raito, who now wore a frown of concentration on his face. Somebody lightly pushed me in the side and I turned to look at Mikami who raised his eyebrows questioningly. I made a helpless gesture and signaled him to stay silent. As soon as Teru nodded in understanding, Raito's hand left my mouth and I barely restrained myself from breathing in the fresh air loudly. That was when I also noticed Raito emerging from his hiding spot to send a few bullets into those who were approaching us. The gunshots weren't as loud as I expected them to be, he obviously had silencer on. A couple of worried cries rang out when three dull 'thump' sounds were heard. As soon as he stopped shooting, Raito ducked down again, unsheathing his katanas. Upon doing so he accidentally bumped his elbow into my side and looked at me, irritated. I smiled helplessly. Raito rolled his eyes.

"He's here, inform others! You, go search for him. Look behind a..." some man with an imperious tone of voice began saying but before he could finish, he stopped and raised his gun, shooting next moment. I jerked, Mikami flinched and Nobu doubled in pain, groaning and clutching at his leg.

"You fucker!" Teru shouted, and before anyone of us could stop him, he jumped to his feet and sprinted at the guy who'd shot Nobu. Luckily Teru's unexpected attack got the man by surprise, so Mikami had a chance to stab and cut his adversary a couple of times. The man yelped and dropped his gun, clutching at his chest and face in panic. I saw rivulets of blood streaming through his fingers. Teru grinned triumphantly, momentarily forgetting about other enemies. That was a mistake. Two men came rushing at him and it was truly a wonder that none of the shots they fired his way didn't manage to hit the target. Unable to just stand by idly, I sprang into action and raced at the offenders, kicking a pistol out of the hand of one of them, grabbing his wrist and wrenching it until I heard a sickening crack. Winning some time for myself, I hurriedly turned to disarm my opponent's accomplice only to find him laying still on the floor. There were two small holes in the man's head and I figured that it was Raito who'd shot him. _'I'll thank him later,'_ I thought, and as soon as I turned to my adversary, a painful jab was thrown in my face. I staggered and nearly fell back down, but managed to keep my balance.

I couldn't see what Mikami was doing but judging by the typical fight sounds, he was now wrestling with his opponent as well. The man I was in fight with launched at me with an obvious intention to send me tumbling down on the ground. I quickly gauged my chances and decided to succumb, arching my spine and bending my upper body backwards as soon as the man clutched at my shoulders. Even if he noticed a catch in my movements, it was too late for him to do something. I forcefully pushed my fingers into the nearest nerve center I could get to. The man elicited a squeak and fell, weighing me down with his body. With a groan I pushed him off of me and had mere seconds to snatch the gun that was laying on the ground. As soon as the pistol was in my hand, I whipped around, looking at my rival who was already sitting on the floor and glaring at me with bloodshot eyes. Bang! The gun jerked so violently that the recoil shook my hand. For a moment the man's eyes seemed confused as he tried to wipe his face off the blood that was seeping through a hole in his forehead. A few seconds later he fell back down and didn't make a move more.

I breathed heavily, looking at his now dead body. Damn... I still had this problem with experiencing shock after each time I took life from someone. Curious enough, it concerned only the first victim in each battle. Probably it just was a way that the psychic worked: the realization of what you did was bound to startle you the first time but the initial shock disappeared as more people fell from your hands.

The familiar sound of steel cutting through flesh ripped me off my thoughts. I looked at my left to see Teru kicking his enemy one last time. He looked at me and nodded his head - _Thanks_. I licked at my suddenly dry lips and nodded in return.

"Nice," Raito's voice made both of us turn around. "Finally a good team work."

He didn't look at us as he was crouching beside Nobu, examining his wound. Both Mikami and I staggered closer to boss to take a look at our injured fellow.

"Nobu-san," Raito said softly. "I understand and revere you desire to help me..."

"Raito," he whizzed.

"... but I have to ask you to leave. I'm afraid I won't be able to look after you during the battle. Please, understand me as well. I don't want to put your life under a risk any further."

"I must be getting old," Nobu cackled mirthlessly. "Should've understood that guy'd see me."

Raito stayed silent, looking at the elder man with serious eyes. Nobu sighed and reached with his hand to pat at boss' shoulder.

"I'm sorry I was not of much help there. But to die for my boss is what my conscience tells me. Won't you allow me as much?"

"Damn," Raito smiled sourly. "Haven't Lawliet told you? I'm not your boss anymore. Our clan ceased to exist."

Nobu shook his head and gave Raito a strict look.

"I might be old and going senile but I always remember this one thing – family exists as long as there are people ready to fight for it. You fight for us, we fight for you. Simple as that."

"Nobu-san..."

I glanced at Raito to witness an unusual expression on his face. He looked both hurt and... guilty. But why the guilt?

"Ah, I'm getting over-dramatic here. Let's wrap it up, we don't have much time, do we?" the elder man smiled. "What's your order, boss?"

"You're wounded. I want you to get into safety," Raito then turned to Mikami. "This is up to you. Escort Nobu-san out and to a van that's parked behind this building. A good friend of mine will take care of both of you."

"What do you mean 'both'?" Teru frowned. "I want to keep fighting."

"Fine," he said after a moment. "Get back here after you're done. Lawliet and I will move further. By the time you get to us, we'll probably be at Higuchi's office."

"Got it," Teru nodded and helped Nobu up, putting the older's arm on his shoulders. We watched them until they turned and were no longer to be seen.

"Let's get going," Raito said to me and fixed the device on his ear. "Matsuda. How many people are there left?"

He started down the hallway again and I hurried to follow him. For a few moments he was silent but then hummed with doubt:

"Mm, only twenty? Are you sure?" he paused again. "Yes, I do remember how I 'brutally slaughtered scores of them' as you've phrased it, thank you very much. …. It wasn't that easy, you know."

We kept walking until we came to a flight of stairs. Without hesitation Raito started climbing it, talking to Matsuda in a hushed voice all the while:

"We're ascending to the last floor. Do you see us? …... They're waiting outside the elevator? Good for them, good for them... Alright, we're almost there. Talk to you later."

Soon enough we were done climbing up the stairs and were faced with a hallway that seemed identical to the one a story below. Before we ventured any further, Raito glanced at me and said:

"I didn't want you to come here. Didn't I make it clear?"

"No. What you made clear was that you were going to kill yourself."

"Does it look like a suicide to you?" he smirked, and I skimmed across his figure. Good god, he was completely covered in blood. His shirt that had been white the last time I'd seen it, now obtained burgundy color. There were also reddish splatters on his face and hair. Because of the abundance of red shades, I couldn't tell if he was wounded or not – he was literally soaked with blood. Certainly, his jacket was torn in some places but there was no telling if any of the blood splotches he was sporting was actually his. I shook my head and looked him in the eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked. Raito got a little surprised with my question.

"For the most part."

I nodded repeatedly, looking around, not knowing what more to say.

"Good... good."

"Lawliet."

I turned my eyes to look at him. Raito seemed to hesitate before saying:

"After this is over with, I want you to leave immediately. And I don't mean just this building, I mean the family business in whole. Quit it. Go and try to live a normal life."

"Why?" I was more than confused. Raito, however, wasn't eager to clarify anything for me.

"I'm not coming back either. It's all over."

"What?.." I whispered, refusing to believe what I'd just heard. Yet, he didn't answer again. "Wait," I pleaded, watching as Raito pulled out his blades and proceeded down the hallway to an elevator where I could already see a bunch of men who were taking a shooting position.

The image of him walking away with swords in his hands, ready to face a small army of enemies, sharply etched into my memory. I didn't even think of going after him and kept watching as in one swift motion he pierced through the bodies of two of the men who stood closest to him. His blades glistened and sang their own song of whizzes, while he seemed to perform a strange dance of death that consisted of movements too quick to discern with the naked eye. Never before had I seen blood to fly around in such a manner, splattering across walls and ceiling before raining down on the floor along with cut off limbs accompanied by screams of agony. The brutality of his attack was fusing with elegance in a bizarre way and it was only then that I understood why Raito chose katanas as his weapon. The sight was mesmerizing and blood curling. And if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd have never believed that death could be delivered in such a beguiling yet crude way.

In my awe I absolutely forgot that I'd come there to fight alongside Raito and not to just watch the gory show he was currently performing. I pulled out my gun and scooted a little closer, aiming at and then shooting down one of the five men that were left alive. Raito turned swiftly to glance at me. I could have sworn he wanted to say a lot to me but didn't really have a chance to do so, thus he just nodded and unexpectedly dived down, evading a blow that one of his now disarmed adversaries aimed at him. While I pointed my gun at another thug, boss ripped open the chest of the guy who'd tried to attack him. His blades glimpsed wetly as he lifted them to deliver one final strike at his barely alive opponent. I didn't bother watching Raito further, shooting three remaining men.

For some time we stood there in a pool of blood. Raito panting and wiping beads of sweat off his forehead, me silently looking at maimed corpses that were laying haphazardly on the floor.

"This is quite a revolting sight..." I told him quietly. He looked at me, raising his eyebrow in irony. "But... your fight was impressive."

"Thanks, I guess," he smiled wryly. He seemed very tired and I wasn't surprised. After all he didn't get to sleep that night and most probably was still in quite a shock from everything that had happened during last twenty four hours. I watched as Raito closed his eyes while gripping the hilts of katanas tightly. We shared another moment of silence.

"You... you were joking right? About me leaving the family..." I asked him quietly.

"No. Everything I've said remains valid."

"But why?..."

"You will understand later, when I'll deal with Higuchi."

"I want to know now."

"No."

"Please," I clutched at the blood-soaked sleeve of his shirt, shaking it, forcing him to open his eyes and look at me. I didn't know what I looked like that moment, most probably I depicted quite a pathetic sight for Raito was looking at me with pity.

"I'm sorry, Lawliet... " he finally said in a whisper.

"At least tell me what are you going to do after this is over with?"

"I will be gone," he replied simply. I tightened my grasp at his sleeve. "I'm sorry."

At this point my mind was racing, trying to find one good reason for him to stay and not do whatever that was that he had on his mind. The first thought that came to my mind was silly but I voiced it anyway, not caring that I probably sounded like a child that was being left behind:

"You promised me... You promised you won't let me go whatever happens... Is this how you keep your word?"

For a moment there a pained grimace contorted his features. He averted his eyes and said quietly:

"Looks like it is. I'm sorry, Lawliet. You'd be better off without me, I know that much."

My fingers spasmed from clutching at his arm too tightly. I let my hand fall and now it was hanging lifelessly down my sides.

"What if I don't want you to leave me? Have you thought about that?" words left my mouth in a rustle. "Why are you doing this to me? Why does your word have to be last, whatever we might be talking about? Why am I nothing but a child in your eyes?"

"I don't see you as a child," he began saying but I stopped him, raising my voice a little:

"Yes, yes, not a child but an apprentice still. The one under your wardship, the one who can't really make his own decisions as much as you try to convince in the contrary everyone, including yourself. You don't even see me as a friend..."

"Lawliet, stop. This is not a right time for a conversation like that. I still have Higuchi to deal with."

"But when will I get another chance, now that I know you're going to leave me?" I looked up at him once again. "Can't you see anything? Are you that blind? How come you still don't understand?"

Raito paused and I noticed him taking a small step back.

"Understand what?" he asked.

"...Nothing."

"One good turn deserves another. Speak your mind."

"I just want you to see me as a responsible person. I want you to recognize me as an adult who is fully aware of his actions and their consequences. I'm not a child anymore. And I want you to understand that," it wasn't a lie. But of course I did keep some other of my thoughts back and didn't voice them.

"But I'm already doing just that!"

"Then why are you telling me to leave you?"

"Because I know that it would be best for you to do so..." he trailed off and shook his head in frustration upon seeing the disappointed look I was giving him. "It's not like I'm telling you how to live your life! I'm just... worried about you, that's all. I only wish best for you."

"But your views on 'best' don't agree with mine. Personally I think it will be best for me to stay with you."

"Good lord, why are we even having this talk?" he moaned and then looked at me, having that dead serious expression on his face. "Listen, Lawliet. It's not like we're going to stay together forever. Eventually you'll grow tired of me. More so, I'm sure that one day you'll meet a nice girl who you'll want to stay with. Won't it be weird for you, when you'll be in your twenties, to live with a man who's not even your relative?"

"What's so weird about that?.."

"Well... Everything."

For a long moment we stared at each other. Then I sighed.

"I get it. If you don't want me to be around, you could've just said that. No need to conjure some stupid excuses."

"It's not like that..."

"Then how's it like?! What am I supposed to think of your words, huh?!" I shouted, startling both him and myself with notes of desperation that sipped in my voice. "For seven years straight you've been drumming into my head that sappy bullshit, telling me you'll never leave me, and now you say that all of a sudden you find the idea of us living together plain weird?! What the hell?!"

"Can't you understand?!" he shouted back, slowly starting to boil with anger. "I do care about you! I've always been doing everything I could to protect you! And I didn't want you to come here because I knew that if it so happened that I died, there would be no one to look after you! Now all I want is for you to give the fuck up this family shit because I want you to be safe! Do you understand now?!"

"I can fucking stand for myself!" I yelled. "I didn't learn to handle all of that shooting and fighting for nothing! You speak of caring but I still haven't heard a single valid reason of why I can't stay with you! If you really care, then tell me why should I leave, for fuck's sake!"

"Stop swearing right now! I hate when you say such shitty words!" Raito was now nearly shaking with rage.

"You sure are not setting a good example!"

"Well I'm not your daddy to teach you how to talk!"

"Oh really? Then why do you act like one?!"

As soon as Raito opened his mouth to give a retort, he closed it, and his face obtained a strange expression as if he was closely listening to something.

"...Oh, right," he said sheepishly out of the blue. I raised my eyebrows questioningly. "I got carried away... Are you sure Higuchi's still there? No one left the building? Good. I'm going in right now. Sorry for blowing up your eardrums."

I still fumed, completely unsatisfied with the outcome of our conversation for I never really got any results from it whatsoever. Raito shook his head and beckoned me to follow:

"Let's go. We'll talk later."

"I sure hope so," I told him through gritted teeth. Raito just grumbled something and with that we were off to walk into another hallway.

* * *

A/N: Hi there! This chapter turned out shorter than I expected. Oh well. Anyway, there's not much left to go! It will be around five chapters till we get to the end, I think. Thank you guys for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this chap even though it wasn't very long c:


	16. XVI

**XVI**

This time the corridor we were walking through was much shorter and ended with with a large, solid-looking door. The door itself represented a masterpiece, being covered with an intricate carved-in pattern and its handles and certain bumps on the relief glazed with what appeared to be pure gold.

"Wealthy ass motherfucker," Raito hissed, pushing the door open. I expected him to meet some resistance, figuring that the door was ought to be locked, but no such thing happened. The door slowly gave in, opening to the eyes the room it was hiding. I was curious to peek inside but Raito grabbed me by the collar and dragged me away, closer to him, to hide behind a column from a possible attack. For a few long moments we stood like that, I could feel his heart beating against my back while one of his arms was pressing me into him, holding me tightly across the waist.

"You made such an impressive appearance, why hide now?" someone's painfully familiar voice creaked from the inside of the room.

I felt Raito's breath tickling the skin on my neck when he exhaled heavily. I moved my head to look up at boss, silently asking him the same question. His eyes met mine and he seemed to have a moment of hesitation before letting me out of his arms and walking through the door next moment.

"Finally, finally!" the same voice exclaimed, accompanied with a sound of clapping hands. "Let me see the hero of the day!"

I followed Raito and went into the room, glancing around. Higuchi's office had a tad vulgar kind of sense of style: walls were paneled with wood, floor was covered in layers of thick, fluffy carpets, replicas of famous medieval artworks greeted from the walls, golden and marble figurines, candlesticks, antique clocks, all sorts of small decorative articles were everywhere. In the center of the room stood a large, impressive desk of red wood, while comfortably looking sofas that had a ridiculous amount of cushions on them were lining the walls. I gawked at all of that, remembering Raito's office he'd had in our headquarters. There had been just a few bookshelves, a desk, one sofa, coffee table and a couple of chairs in it. For some reason I almost felt the need to pity boss for not having been able to afford Higuchi's level of luxury, but changed my mind after remembering that Raito just didn't seem that type of a person who would surround themselves with useless clutter. He was more of an ascetic type... and I liked that.

Before I could send a secret loving gaze at my boss, my eyes stumbled upon a man who I recognized immediately.

"Ryuk-san!" I breathed out, staring at him. If I remembered correctly, the supreme oyabun had a sick look when I'd first met him. Now he looked even worse. His face was literally sunken. There were deep hollows in place of cheeks, the whites of his eyes had gone completely yellow, and he was choking on coughs between the words... All of that made clear the oyabun was seriously ill and had a few weeks (if not days) left to live.

"Have you counted how many men you killed tonight?" Ryuk continued talking, addressing only his son. "I watched your progress from here. Quite a spectacular show it was, I must say. Especially your last fight. Tried to fling your skills in front of that little friend of yours over there, eh?" he cackled and immediately doubled in a fit of coughing.

Raito stood silent, watching his father with undisguised disdain. I didn't dare to interfere, silently musing over why the heck was our oyabun here out of all places. And try as I might, I couldn't figure out a single reason for him to be in Higuchi's office.

"I suppose you didn't expect to meet me here..." Ryuk said in a rasp voice, recovering from his mad coughing. "I am just as surprised to see you in one piece."

Still, Raito didn't answer and kept his stern look unwavering. Ryuk gazed at him thoughtfully and sighed.

"Keeping your mouth shut for once, huh? Well then, let's play a game of guesses. My guess is that you came here, killing dozens of innocent people on your way, in hopes to get your title back. If that's the case, I'll disappoint you. Nothing like that is going to happen. Do you want to know the reason as to why?"

"I know everything." Raito said finally, his voice low and husky. "I know all about what a scumbag you turned out to be."

"Oh? So you already know?" Ryuk fell silent but soon his lips stretched in a vicious smile. "Would you mind enlightening me on how did you get to know my little secret?"

"I would mind. I'm not going to spend my time spilling my guts to an asshole like you," as soon as Raito spoke these words, Ryuk started laughing again. Boss' face grown pale with wrath. "How fucking dare you to laugh?! You sold everyone out! You betrayed the family! You used a chance to get rid of me as I was the only hindrance left in yours and Higuchi's way! Namikawa, Midou, me – we were pillars of the family! With Midou's betrayal only me and Reiji were left, and even that didn't last long! Namikawa died, later I got attacked and crashed by that piece of shit Higuchi, and I'm certain that it was no other than you who gave him a hint about the right time to strike my people! I want to fucking rip your heart out of your chest for everything that you've done to me and to the family!"

Ryuk stopped laughing and now simply grinning widely at Raito. That attitude was what made Raito see red each time.

"Oh, geez. You're so loud. Do you know that I could hear every single word of the conversation you had with your boy? You, Raito, should really learn how to be quiet sometimes."

"Fuck off!"

"Hold up the crude language," Ryuk made a dismissive gesture. "Let's talk about what you said to me. Hmm... where should I start? Perhaps, your naivety should be the first matter. Do you really believe that I betrayed the family? Do you honestly trust all that family talk? C'mon, wake up, boy. Nobody follows those old rules anymore. Getting paid, getting laid – all we care about. You seemed to be a lot wiser and followed this simple concept back when you were younger. I might be betraying the family by handing everything over to Higuchi, that's true. But honestly, who gives a shit about the moral aspects of my act? I'm doing what seems to bring more profit. Don't act like you didn't know that treachery is a constant in our life. After all, you happened to kill some of your friends because they had betrayed the family at some point."

"You let Namikawa die..." Raito hissed, choking on his breath. He was literally shaking from how livid he was. "You suborned Midou and made him betray us..."

"Nu-uh," Ryuk gestured for Raito to stop. "Midou's betrayal isn't my fault. You should thank Higuchi for that. But in my humble opinion the one who should actually be blamed for the betrayal is Midou himself. The guy's dead though, whoops."

"Still I don't understand... how could you do that to me? You knew that I was the last one who was able to defend the family... Other clans aren't strong enough to resist such an adversary as Higuchi's syndicate."

"I've done it because there was no other way, Raito," Ryuk smiled, looking at him. "Judge for yourself – two of the three main clan leaders are dead, and the one left alive works with police. What would you do in my place?"

"I would fucking kill myself if I were you," Raito growled, his words barely legible. "I would've never done all the things you did... How could you do all of that to your own son..."

"Ah... I see you still can't get over the, quote-unquote, humiliation you suffered through during your apprenticing days. Honestly, I can't really understand you. You agreed to it, didn't you?" Ryuk winked at my boss. I looked at Raito in fear that he would fly off the handle any given moment. What the hell was Ryuk even talking about?

"You left me no choice! You sick fuck!" he spat, and frowned, unsheathing his katanas for the umpteenth time this night. "Let's get it over with. If only you knew just how much I want to kill you right now... But I've pledged my word to turn you in custody. I hope you'll rot in jail."

"Oh... At least now you're being honest about your little cooperation with cops. It was them who helped you, wasn't it? Damn fuzz men always trying to get to me."

"Stand up." Raito swayed the blades, prompting Ryuk to do as he commanded. "Time to go for you."

"Not gonna happen," a mad grin once again splinted on Ryuk's lips. And before we could do as much as blink, I heard a gun lock clicking right behind me. Something cold prodded against the back of my head.

"Throw down your useless pieces of iron," somebody's haughty voice commanded to Raito. Gingerly, I turned my eyes to look at the speaker. I couldn't see his face very well but behind us stood a man who appeared to be in his early forties. His face was covered with harsh mimic creases and he wore a grin that showed his small pointed teeth. He was also holding pistols in both of his hands, taking aim at boss and me.

"Higuchi," Raito snarled and to my surprise boss obeyed, loosening his grip on katanas. They fell down, softly landing on the carpet beneath our feet. "You stinking brainless waste of space..."

"Good bo..." the man behind us cackled, and before he could finish the sentence Raito turned sharply, throwing a hook at his jaw. I ducked down, barely evading the shot that thundered out of Higuchi's pistol. Turning around the same second, I began watching the two man fighting each other. Raito managed to disarm his opponent and now it was a hand-to-hand combat.

They exchanged successions of blows, dodging each other's attack with visible difficulty. Raito grabbed Higuchi and tossed him up, sending him flying into the wall. His offender hit it with a loud thud, but before boss attacked him again, Higuchi staggered back on his feet. His leg whipped out, slamming into Raito's chest and knocking him down on the floor. He pounced at Raito then, aiming to hit his face. I watched as Raito turned over swiftly, eluding the attack as Higuchi's fist crashed against the floor. The man growled in either pain or frustration, I couldn't tell. Raito then grabbed Higuchi by the collar of his shirt and drew his fist back before with a jab slamming into his face, breaking nose cartilages in result. He repeated the action a few more times, now aiming at his offender's stomach and chest. Higuchi coughed and spit out some blood before swivelingand catapulting forward, flinging Raito up and over his shoulder and slamming him face first into the floor. Something cracked horribly and I realized that Raito must have broken some bone. Damn. It wasn't going well. I could bet that in usual circumstances Raito would've beaten up Higuchi in a matter of a minute, but now when he was exhausted with previous fights, he was slowly giving in. I bit hard into my lip and just as I made a move to join the fight, someone's hand stopped me. I turned to see Ryuk holding me up.

"Do not interfere," he said. "Let him have a fair fight."

I frowned, thinking that if anything, it wasn't fair at all. But still, I decided to do as he told me and continued to watch the fight. Raito looked truly horrible. His face was red from blood that was both his and his victim's. But it pleased me to see Higuchi looking just as messed up. It was obvious that both of them were growing tired. There was also another change... If previously Raito was blindly attacking with all his might, now he moved with a kind of finesse, mostly dodging jabs and hooks that were being sent his way – only small movements were sparred as he masterfully evaded flurry of fists from Higuchi. I understood boss' intentions – judging by the looks of it, he wanted to wear down his adversary. That was rather wise. Instead of wasting his energy, he was saving it while Higuchi only grew more forceful and desperate with his blows.

A few minutes they spent "dancing" around, clutching at each other's shoulders. I watched as they made an awkward circle in the center of the room, bumped into some shelves, sending things that were stored on them flying on the floor before tumbling down altogether. They rolled over so that Raito got on top of his opponent, but to my surprise he didn't start beating the shit out of Higuchi as I was expecting. Instead, boss sprang to his feet, gazing down at the scrabbling form of Higuchi who was still laying in a squirming heap. Raito's face was a calm sort of livid, the eye before the storm. It promised no good, and even though I suspected what he was going to do, I still couldn't hold back a flinch when Raito lifted his foot and stomped repeatedly on Higuchi's crotch. He wasn't saying anything while literally depriving the opponent of his manhood. It was painful to even watch and I winced when Raito made a final, heavy stomp to his enemy's sack. Figuring he was done with guaranteeing Higuchi no children, Raito switched to stomping on his stomach. Stamp. Stamp. Stamp.

"Ryuk-san..." Higuchi whizzed, barely focusing his eyes on the face of the geezer. I glanced at the oyabun, ready to stop whatever he would try to accomplish, but Ryuk sat still, looking at Higuchi with no emotions in his eyes. Stamp. Stamp. Soon Higuchi wasn't even groaning anymore. The only thing that I could hear from him was his rattle.

I averted my eyes. That fight so much differed from the one I'd witnessed boss in earlier this night. There was no beauty in it anymore, no captivating dance of death, just violence.

By the time I looked up again, Higuchi was spitting up blood and had his eyes rolled into his skull. Raito stopped his ministrations, looking down at his opponent with no expression on his face.

"Just... kill me already..." Higuchi croaked, blood oozing from the corners of his mouth. "Have... some... mercy..."

"You don't deserve any of it."

Raito turned to us, leaving Higuchi to wait for his death to come. I looked at my boss, horrified and awed at the same time. His breath was heavy, splashes of blood were still flowing down his face. He took steps closer to us, staggering as he walked. He stopped mid-way, bending down to pick up katanas that he tossed away when starting to fight Higuchi. Sheathing them, he finally walked to me, gazing at me with tired but strangely peaceful eyes.

"I did it." He said. Then an uncertain smile twitched the corners of his lips.

I wasn't sure how to reply to that. Instead, I simply nodded my head repeatedly, letting myself to crack a smile, too.

"Boss!"

We turned to see the source of cry. Mikami was standing in the doorway, staring at Raito.

"What happened?..." he whispered, turning his eyes to look first at Higuchi, then at boss, then at Ryuk, and back at boss.

"It doesn't matter. It's over." Raito uttered and took a deep breath.

"Aw, what a nice ending," Ryuk made a remark, stretching on his seat. "I'm about to cry tears of joy here."

"You." Raito turned to glare at him. "You're going with me."

"Maybe yes. Maybe no," the oyabun smirked. "I keep looking at the mess you've made and I can't help but wonder... what exactly have you accomplished by killing everyone here? Come on, tell me. Please the old man's curiosity."

"I did what must be done. Debts were paid in blood."

"Ah, so you think you served justice on a plate? Killed the bad guys, saved the world, avenged your dead buddies, alright, I get it. But... so what? There is nowhere for you to go now. You are alone. You have no one left. Namikawa popped his clogs, that cop guy won't do so much as admit that he'd ever befriended you, your clan is no longer, and you've just ruined whatever was left of the family. Boo bleeding hoo. I find it ironic that everything you've ever strived for was eventually ruined by your hands alone. What do you have to say to that? Were you doing it for the family?"

"I..." Raito paused and suddenly smirked. "Fuck it. I'll tell you the truth."

Ryuk raised his eyebrows and moved his hand in a way to gesture for boss to go on.

"I did it for me," Raito then said with a straight face. "Of course, I wanted to take vengeance on Higuchi for killing my friend and stripping of my clan, but when I learned that it was actually you who orchestrated all of that, I swore to myself that I would make you pay. Not for Namikawa, not for Takada, not for any of the dead ones. But for me."

"I see..." Ryuk uttered. For a long minute we stood in silence, while the oyabun, or rather the ex-oyabun, pulled out a small silver case, flipped it open and took one cigarette out, lighting it up and taking a deep draw. He exhaled a thick cloud of smoke a few moments later and said in a pensive voice: "And how are you going to get on with your live now?.. Tomorrow you will wake up on a huge stage, alone, among strangers who know nothing about you. You will be surrounded by wooden dolls with cardboard guns and then a firing will start, accompanied by a tape recorded gun shots. And you will be stuck there, in that surreal world, unable to move and make a real step. And there will be no one standing next to you. No one will be there to craft a wooden army to help you out and return you to real life."

Perhaps Raito understood what Ryuk was getting it. As for me, the oyabun's words were nothing but an allegory that left a nasty taste in mouth.

"I'll take that," boss replied in a soft voice. "There's no way back for me."

"There are no former yakuza, Raito. You've doomed yourself and your people to suffer for the rest of life."

"I know," boss' voice was soft still. "But that shouldn't concern you."

Ryuk smiled crookedly, taking another draw at his cigarette. Raito pulled out one of his blades and pointed it at his father.

"Time to go. Any last confessions you want me to hear?"

"Huh?" Ryuk arched his eyebrow and a cackle followed by a bad cough escaped his mouth. "What, you expect me to give an oration and repent my sins? Or you think I should be a proper villain and let you into details of all my crimes? Sorry, lad, nothing like that is gonna happen. Besides, I've already told you my reasoning. Although, there are two things you should know..."

Before Ryuk could finish his sentence, a loud bang resounded throughout the room and someone cried out. I understood that the cry belonged to me a few seconds later when I noticed that everyone turned and now was staring at me. Their gazes were directed at my leg so I followed them and looked down. There, on my thigh, was a dark scarlet spot that was growing bigger with each second. A bullet wound. I stared at it, surprised. It was the first and only time I got shot.

Raito's head whipped to a side and he glared at Higuchi who was still clutching a gun in his hand. Just one look at the man was enough to understand that he was already dead. He probably had intended to shoot Raito instead of me, but as the life left his body, his aim quivered and he missed.

"Ouch. That must hurt," Ryuk smirked, looking at me. Just as he said those words, pain shot through my leg in a blazing wave and I staggered, hissing. To my surprise Mikami caught me before I tumbled on the floor and helped me back up, propping my weight on his shoulder.

"Spit out whatever you wanted to say and let's finish this already," Raito barked at Ryuk after making sure that I was more or less alright.

Unfazed by boss' tone, Ryuk stood up and leisurely walked to a desk, fiddling with something on it. He then sat on a leather chair that stood beside, crossed his legs and shrugged.

"Ten minutes later this building will blow up. If you think you still have something to live for, you better hurry up and get out of here."

All of us stared at the oyabun who was smoking away at his cigarette with calm expression on his face. Raito furrowed his brows.

"Am I supposed to believe that? Come on. You'll kill me as soon as I turn my back to you, and then you'll make a bolt for it and save your sorry ass, won't you?"

"No."

"Really? And why exactly did you decide to treat me to such secret? What's the point in letting me go just like that?"

"Ah..." Ryuk sighed, a bored expression plastering itself on his face. "You're no fun, Raito. You just want me to tell you everything straight away. But since we don't have much time left, I'll make it short - in all honesty, I was merely curious about your strength and decisions you'll make. Higuchi had this place stuffed with explosives in case of emergencies like the one you've presented today. There's even still a helicopter waiting for him outside. His initial plan was to send a few bullets your way, start up the bombs and flee, leaving you to die here, buried under the shambles along with the remains of our family. But... in the end, when I saw you successfully making it to this point, I felt the need to meddle with Higuchi's plan. I wanted to see which one of you will prevail in the end. And... here you have it. The victory is yours. Take it and go away."

"In other words, you were bored," Raito audibly gritted his teeth. "All you wanted was some fun. And you did all of this just for the sake of enjoying yourself?!"

"Perhaps you could say it that way, although I wouldn't wholeheartedly agree with your phrasing," the oyabun shrugged.

"Whatever. I won't thank you for warning or not killing me anyway."

"You shouldn't. It's just my personal feelings. The need to do something good before I die, you know? Atonement for sins, repentant - the usual business of every dying man."

"Oh no, you're not going to die just yet. I can't go back without bringing you along. Don't think I'm being valiant here, I merely have to hand your ass over to police."

"If you didn't notice, I'll have you known that my body is being decayed by a disease. I only have a few days left to live. And, quite frankly, I prefer to die this way rather than to wait for death to destroy me from the inside." Ryuk smiled. "Be a good boy and let me go in a fashion I want. This is my last will."

For a few seconds I saw a frown of contemplation on Raito's face. Then he scoffed.

"Burn in hell," Raito turned his back to the oyabun and motioned for Mikami to hand me over to him. Boss squatted down and placed my body above his shoulders. He then firmly wrapped his arm around the back of my knee and stood up. My legs and arms were dangling free while Raito's shoulders were supporting the rest of my body. I felt the pain increasing and I clutched at his shirt, trying to hide my grimace. Before we left, Ryuk cackled and told Raito his last words:

"Since this is the last time we see each other, I tell you what: I am not your father. I have no idea whose child you are. Thought you should know that."

Raito froze for a second but shook his head and walked out of the door, leaving Ryuk to wait for his death.

"Teru," Raito addressed the guy as soon as we were out of Higuchi's office and jogging down the hallway to the elevator. "How's Nobu?"

"He's okay. Those two guys in a van helped me to bandage his wound," Mikami replied hastily. "By the way, while I was there the rest of the clan caught up with us and came here. And... Higuchi's people didn't make us wait for them, too."

"What?" boss whipped his head to the side to look at Teru.

"Those who were here on guard tonight have probably warned others about the assault. Our men are currently fighting them outside."

"Well done," Raito smiled and Mikami beamed in return. I secretly rolled my eyes at the guy, pressing the elevator button.

"My pleasure."

"Matsuda," meanwhile boss started speaking with the policeman again. "Sorry, I can't bring you Ryuk. …. I know. …. I know! Geez, stop yelling, you're just like a fishwife. Look, you heard that the building is stuffed with explosives that are set to burst within five minutes, right? Move the truck away, got it? … We don't have much time, did you call your people?... Good. Now try to send out civilians and put cordons around the area instead of yelling at me."

He then turned to Teru:

"Now you, call the rest of the clan and tell them the same. They should wrap up the fight and help Matsuda evacuate as many people as possible."

Teru nodded and pulled out his phone, carrying out the order. The elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. Raito turned his head a little to look at me.

"Hey..." he said and forced out a smile. "Clinging to life still?"

"Yeah..." I let the corners of my mouth twitch in a smile.

"Good," he paused and then said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

He didn't reply, obviously unconvinced with my words. I sighed and plucked at his shirt, drawing his attention again.

"Boss... I'm sorry if the question I'm going to ask is too personal but I wonder... what exactly did Ryuk do to you that you hate him so much?"

"Did you get contused?" Raito gave me a bewildered look. "I think I made it pretty clear why I wanted to kill him."

"No, I'm not talking about recent of his activities."

We descended to the first floor and Raito fixed my position on his shoulders before running to the exit with Teru following him. Once outside, I squinted at the sun that was already shining brightly. Hum of voices surrounded us as we mixed with the worried crowd. I could hear Matsuda's voice, distorted with megaphone, commanding people to leave the area immediately. Thankfully, we didn't get stuck in a thick current of bustling people, for they were stepping aside as soon as they noticed us – probably it was due to Raito's ghastly blooded appearance. Though Mikami helped with that too, yelling at people to move and give way for a wounded person. I hid my face and tried to appear unconscious.

Rather soon we were on a decent distance away from the premises. Then it happened. Ground shook as the explosives went off, deafening everyone with the sounds of cracking walls, breaking glass and choir of horrified screams. Raito stopped and turned around, looking at the building which walls were quickly crushing down on the ground with a roar. Soon there was only a dusty mist and burning shambles on place of Higuchi's headquarters. We shared a moment of silence.

"Mikami," Raito said then, not looking at him. "Please leave us."

"Huh?" Teru jerked in surprise and stared at boss. "But..."

"Leave."

"Alright..." Teru furrowed his brows in confusion but obeyed and hurriedly walked away. Raito sighed and unloaded my weight from his shoulders, carefully placing me on a nearby bench and taking a seat beside me. We didn't say a word. I listened to police sirens, worried shouts and occasional snaps of photo cameras that were coming from everywhere around us.

"Lawliet..." Raito began but was interrupted when someone's voice called out to him:

"Hey. Can't believe you made it out alive. You look pretty fucked up though."

I raised my eyes to look at the intruder. It was a guy whose age I couldn't guess straight away since he was wearing goggles that were covering half of his face. But from the looks of his clothes – jeans and striped pullover – I could assume that he, probably, was not much older than myself. The guy, meanwhile, lit up a cigarette and took a puff at it.

"Matt," Raito said, nodding to the stranger. "You've rendered an invaluable service. Did it cause you much trouble?"

"Nah, not really." Matt shrugged his shoulders. "As long as I get my payment, I have no reasons for complaint."

"Glad to hear that. Do you need something?"

"I guess so. Just wanted to make sure you haven't forgot about the second part of our deal. I see you're a little busy right now so I won't be interrupting you any further. Find me when you finish your business here."

Matt turned around and started walking away, soon enough merging with the crowd and disappearing from my view.

"Who's that guy? And what's with the second part of the deal?" I mouthed to Raito. "Was he talking about money?"

"Since I'm quitting family, Matt agreed to help me with changing some of my personal information in government data bases. As you could already guess, he is a hacker. And a very good one. He just recently moved to Japan because... well, let's say he and authorities have different views on many matters, and Matt doesn't like his business hindered by anyone. Matt's also known for his connections with mafia and different syndicates. I hear he's a good friends with some mafia leader out there... But that doesn't matter. He works alone and that's what makes his person so called-for among those who have secrets – you know, the less people involved, the less chances the information gets declassified. And you wouldn't expect from such person to work for nothing, right?" Raito smiled albeit sadly.

"Yeah..." I nodded, wincing from stinging pain in my leg.

"Actually, I wanted to answer your question about Ryuk..." Raito said suddenly, not looking at me. He then pulled the hand-free out of his ear and turned it off. "Ryuk... When I was apprenticing to him, he... well... he made a condition that he would teach me only if I'd yield to him... and I mean it in a sexual way."

I blinked, not daring to say or do something. Raito knitted his eyebrows together.

"That son of a bitch. I didn't understand that he was manipulating me into that. I had nowhere to go, and when he offered me to become his apprentice, I gladly agreed. I couldn't begin to imagine what consequences would my consent draw... The most sick part of it is that he kept calling me his son and insisted that I'd address him my master. Sick fuck."

Raito clenched his fists, still looking at the ground.

"At least he didn't tell anyone about the connection he had with me. I kept my silence, too. The only person who knew about it was Reiji. I trusted him that much... He truly was a brother for me. He even offered to kill that sick geezer and I barely managed to talk him out of that. But still, I hated Ryuk with all my heart. You have no idea what kind of humiliation it is to be used that way... I'm glad that you don't know what it feels like to be absolutely helpless against the one you call your mentor. And I... I honestly tried my best when teaching you. I promised myself that whatever happens, I'd never put to shame a little boy who believes in me. But I failed. A mentor should also be a role model, shouldn't he? How could I possibly become a good example for you, if I myself am nothing? I don't even know my real name... 'Raito' is what kids were calling me in the orphanage. What am I? A person without a name, without a pride..." he paused. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. So many words were at the tip of my tongue that I physically couldn't utter a single one of them.

"I'm sorry, Lawliet..." Raito finally said in a whisper. "I'm sorry for everything. Sometimes I think that I should have never taken you as my apprentice but then I remember how happy you seemed to be to get away from your parents' house. If I managed to help you in some way, that means I'm not that worthless after all."

It hurt to listen to him. It hurt even more to look at his face. I put my hand on top of his, squeezing his fingers in mine. There was a thick lump in my throat which made it hard to do so much as breath.

"I have nothing left, Lawliet. I have to cut all bonds and start life anew. I can't take you with me, I'm sorry. It's just... I need time to figure out what I'm going to do with my life and sort everything out. I can't be responsible for what happens to you anymore. You... you should go back to your parents and try to forget the life you had. Or... remember the Christmas present I gave you? You can live in that flat or let it on lease if you want. You should already have quite a sum on your bank account, it should be enough to let you live a careless life. I honestly don't want you to join another family, but if that's your will, I have no say over it anymore. Just do whatever you deem necessary."

I shook my head mutely. Raito sighed and a second later his fingers were in my hair, ruffling it. He scooted a little closer to me so that I could lay my head on his shoulder.

"I'm going to miss my little, stubborn, sassy Lawliet," he told me quietly with humorous notes in his voice.

"I'm not sassy," I said, pouting unwillingly. Raito laughed. I really was in no mood to share his fake amusement, so I just sighed. "When... when will you be taking your leave?"

"As soon as we are done talking," he looked me in the eyes and smiled a sad smile.

"I want to come with you..." I whispered, lowering my gaze while plucking nervously at his shirt. "I might not be of much of help, but I'll try my best, I promise. Let me help you with that new life."

He shook his head as if in disbelief.

"I sometimes wonder what could I have possibly ever done in my life to deserve your devotion? I'm a worthless human, Lawliet. What am I good for? The only thing I can do is kill... and even that has no use now."

"That's not true. Don't say that," I said trough gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry, Lawliet."

I felt his fingers threading through my hair and slipping further down until they stopped on the base of my neck.

"But..."

"I'm sorry."

"Ra..."

Before I could finish saying his name, however, a sharp but quick sting of pain prickled nerves in my neck. Then everything went black. The last thing I saw was Raito's face: he looked at me apologetically and his lips moved, whispering something soothingly to me.


	17. XVII

** XVII **

I didn't stay unconscious for very long, that much was for sure. Upon opening my eyes I found myself in the very car we'd driven in to Higuchi's now destroyed headquarters. There were still panicking shrieks outside and I could still see the smoke that was rising up from the ruins.

I tried to sit up on a backseat which I was laying upon, but thought better of it when the wound on my thigh made its presence known by sending waves of pain through my entire leg. Groaning, I lay my head down and looked around in hopes to see Yagami. And of course he was nowhere to be found. Apparently, even though the time I spent in a blackout wasn't long, it was enough for him to disappear. I shook my head. That must had been a joke.

The front door of the car opened and Mikami got in, taking the driver's seat. He looked at me through the rear view mirror.

"Where's boss?" we asked in unwilled unison. There was a pause of confusion. Then Teru cleared his throat and said:

"Are you kidding? Boss said you will explain everything. I thought you knew where he went."

"When did he say that? How did I end up here at all?"

"He brought you to me and ordered me to take you to hospital," Mikami frowned and started the car, turning the wheel and setting to drive down the road. "I dragged you here and decided to wait for you to come to, just so you could explain everything. So?"

"So?" I blinked. We stopped at the red signal of a traffic light and Teru looked at me again.

"Did you damage your brain by any chance? I'm asking what did boss tell you?"

"He only said that he's leaving... Nothing more."

"Huh? Didn't he give you any instructions or something? We don't know what to do. I was talking to our guys while you were lolling about. They are completely shellshocked, none of us knows what's going on. Our headquarters are destroyed, boss' gone in unknown direction, Takada and the oyabun are no longer, half of the clan members refused to continue working with us. Do I need to continue? Hell, even Higuchi's men stood and gave empty stares to their ruined premises. What the heck are we supposed to do now?!"

"I don't know... Boss only told me that it's all over. There is no family anymore and this means we are..."

"This means we are fucked," Mikami concluded, setting the car into motion again. "What kind of shit is this? I mean, aniki went into full Bruce Lee mode, I get it, alright. He killed all the bad guys, proved that he's the boss and... And what? What did he do next? He left? Just like that? I can't fucking believe it!"

"What's so wrong with that?" I frowned. "He gave us a chance to decide for ourselves..."

"What's wrong? Do you really ask me what's wrong? Can't you see?! I thought he did all of this to make our family stronger! I thought he was going to take the supreme oyabun's place! And now it turns out he did it for nothing? He risked his own and our lives just to wave us goodbye and be off? Bullshit."

"First of all, he didn't ask for our help, it was me," I replied coldly. "Secondly, why are you so distressed about it? Boss did what he wanted. He knew he had no other options."

"Haha," Teru sneered. "No other options? Wake up, Lawliet. After killing both Higuchi and Ryuk, he hit the jackpot. He'd cleared his way. If he took the oyabun's place, he'd make our family the most influential here in Kanto. You do realize that he could easily recreate our clan and make it even better than before?"

To be honest, I'd never thought of that. I had been too preoccupied with thinking of all the bad outcomes of Raito's last fight, that I'd totally forgotten to gauge the merit he could have gotten in case of successfully accomplishing his mission. Mikami was actually right. If Raito had seized the opportunity, he'd have certainly gotten on the very top of his 'career'. And knowing Raito and his ambitiousness, the reason for him to let everything slip through his fingers must have been very serious.

"Listen..." I sighed and rubbed my face tiredly. "Let's not think of what ifs. It's over."

"But what will we tell other clans?" Teru refused to calm down. "They have no idea that the oyabun's now dead and the head of the last lead clan has decided to leave the business for good."

"We'll tell them truth."

"Correction – you will do it. You know all the details, right? Because I, personally, have no idea what kind of the oyabun's betrayal boss was talking about."

"Alright," I closed my eyes. "Just... call everyone and invite them to come for a visit."

"Hey, don't you command me. I'm not your subordinate," Teru huffed.

"Please?"

"Okay, that's better."

* * *

In hospital I was immediately given a small surgery. Doctors pulled out the bullet, stitched the cut and injected me with antibiotics and painkillers. When I staggered out of the operation room, crutches under my armpits, I was surprised to see Mikami waiting outside the doors.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded. Teru sighed and stood up, starting to the exit of the hospital.

"Let's go. We still have to deal with all the explanations."

* * *

The explanation with the other clan leaders took place in that temporary shelter house I'd spent the previous night in. Aside from people who I saw for the second time in my life, there were some of our own guys. But even though most of faces were familiar to me, I felt rather awkward to go in details of what'd happened earlier. They stared at me mutely while I went on explaining about Ryuk's plans of handing business under Higuchi's control. The questions started when I told them about Raito's decision to leave the family. They couldn't understand it... Of course they couldn't. I myself wasn't able to fully process the words that were coming out of my mouth. Still, I tried to answer all of their questions as honestly and politely as I could. This 'interrogation' lasted for almost two hours. By the end of it most of men in the room were shaking their heads disapprovingly. Other half had a pensive look on their faces.

"What are we to do now? What's your order?" someone asked me. I suppressed a crooked smile that was about to break out. Oh, look. Now that there were no Raito or Kiyomi they thought I became the boss.

"That's up to you to decide," I said, "The family is no longer."

And so they left, taking with them more questions than answers. There was ringing silence in the room. Somehow it felt as if everyone was waiting for something. Or, to be more precise, they were waiting for someone. For someone who would direct their actions and clarify their future. But sadly, I knew that certain someone they were waiting for would never come. It was cruel of him to leave all of us like that, but there was nothing we could do about it.

I stood up from my seat on a sofa, snatched my crutches and limped out of the room. I didn't know what to do either. It was all too sudden. Confusion mixed with agitation washed over me in a giant wave and I felt cast astray. But at least I had a place I could go back to. I felt in my pocket and pulled out my phone, searching the address book for a long-forgotten number.

"Hello?" a voice I could barely recognize answered.

"Dad..." I said softly. "I'm coming home."

* * *

A week later, after Kiyomi's funeral, Osaka greeted me with a gust of moist ocean air that slapped my face as soon as I stepped out of the train. I hadn't been in this city for so long... Nostalgia washed over me as I glanced at the familiar contours of the city's horizon line.

"Wow. This feels like a resort or something. And you lived here all your childhood? You're one hell of a lucky asshole."

I turned my head to look at Teru, who was standing beside me, enjoying the view of the city. Giving him a sour smile, I cursed inwardly. Damn that guy. A quick flashback: when I'd finished the phone talk with my father, Mikami had come to me, looking more than a little depressed and absolutely lost. We'd had a quick conversation about future and I'd learned that Teru was pretty much homeless and had had no idea what to do with his life. Sure, he had money on his account but he was living in a rented flat that was not too far from our headquarters. When he'd asked me about my plans, I'd been stupid enough to tell him that I'd thought of coming back to Osaka. He'd then beamed at me and asked if he could come along. "Osaka sounds like a good place to start a new life," he'd said.

And so, here he was, standing beside me and greedily inhaling the air. I mentally slapped myself. Bringing Mikami with me didn't look like that good of an idea after all... But it wasn't like I'd had a choice. Knowing Teru, he'd have bought a ticket and come here with or without my consent.

"So? Where're we going?" Teru asked once we were inside of a taxi.

"Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrows. "Did you say we?"

"Yep," he nodded, pulling out his phone. I watched as he then sticked himself to a window and rapidly started taking photos.

"I am going to visit my parents. You are going... wherever you go," I frowned. "What do you need all these photos for?"

"It's the first time I'm here, duh," Teru turned and gave me the 'are-you-stupid' look.

"So what?"

"I'm gonna post some of them. Guys would get jealous, they stayed in Tokyo. Losers," he gave an evil chuckle.

I rolled my eyes. Good god, Teru's personality underwent drastic changes since he'd accepted the situation with the family. And I honestly didn't know what to think of this new Mikami. After losing all hope he decided to explore new horizons with doubled energy and enthusiasm. And most of times he behaved himself like a child. I knew that Teru frequently displayed immatureness, but now he even...

I couldn't finish my thought. Teru shoved his phone in my face, and yelped:

"Smile for the camera, bitch!"

A flash blinded me and I started blinking, trying to regain my vision.

"What the hell?!" I shouted, slowly starting to get angry.

"What? Friends always take such pictures," he made a helpless gesture.

"We're not friends."

"Yes. We're brothers."

"What?!"

"Ah, stop being so stiff! Relax and have fun! We're young, free and there's a sea of opportunities before us..." Teru said, looking into distance with dreamy eyes.

"Whatever."

"Uh-huh. So, where are we going?"

"I told you already! I'm going to my parents, you're going to a hotel, or a flat, or wherever you're staying at! Don't tell me you didn't book a room, I'll kill you."

"You're so boring," Mikami sighed. "I'm not going to stay with you and your mommy and daddy, don't worry."

I huffed and folded my arms. Soon enough Mikami seemed to calm down from his sudden photo fit and was now flipping through the photos he made.

"I'll visit you some day around, okay?" he asked, not looking at me.

I hesitated. To be honest I didn't want him to come bashing through the doors of my parents' house, but it would be plain rude to refuse him without any valid reason.

"Sure," I said slowly. "Just don't forget to warn me about your visit."

"Kay!" he said and suddenly started to laugh like a madman. I flinched and scooted away from him. Perhaps, it wasn't his personality that had changed. Perhaps, Mikami just went insane.

"Oh my god, this is priceless! I'm so gonna post it!" he said excitedly, clicking something on his phone.

"What's so funny?" I asked cautiously.

"You are."

He shoved his phone under my nose again. Focusing eyes on the screen I made out my own face on it. The photo was mostly blurred but I could clearly see a retarded expression I sported: eyes half-closed, mouth agape, non-existent neck, puffed cheeks...

I tried to snatch the phone out of Mikami's hands but he was fast to retrieve it.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" he asked with a sly smile on his lips.

"I'm going to delete this atrocity. Give the phone back."

"Oh no, you're not. This is my phone after all."

"Yes, and there is my face in it."

"Everyone will see you," he smirked darkly. "I'll even add a caption. What do you like more: 'Lawliet being himself' or 'The true face of Lawliet'?"

"Don't you dare! What will people think of me?!"

"That you're not very photogenic, obviously."

"Since when are you even using all these stupid networks?" I wailed desperately.

"Since I've learned of them. That happened about five years ago. See?" he flashed the screen of his smartphone to me again. "I have a lot of followers. That's due to my handsome face, of course. But just so you know, I have some of our guys following me as well. I even have boss as my follower."

"What?..." I blinked, dumbfounded. I never even knew Raito used all those social nets... Suddenly I felt the urge to create an account at whatever it was that Mikami used.

"Yes..." Teru's smile gone wider and more sinister. "Even though boss didn't post much and stopped using this long time ago. But he still has some photos there."

I pursed my lips. Teru obviously tried to tempt me. Like hell would I ask him to show me boss' photos. They probably had his face anyway and it wasn't like I'd never seen it. I was pretty sure there wasn't anything interesting at all. Yes. I absolutely didn't want to see any of it.

"Don't you want to take a look?" Mikami asked meanwhile.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Alright, then I'll just post your photo," he shrugged.

"Do whatever you want," I frowned and cursed Teru in my head once again. Why did he need to bring boss into the conversation? I just managed to stop thinking about Raito and here my thoughts returned to him again. And god knows how hard it was not to think about him for just a minute. He kept taking up space in my head.

The car pulled up. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked out of the window. There, on the opposite side of a road stood a big mansion which I called home.

"Later," I said to Teru and got out of the car, flinging my rucksack over my shoulder.

"See you around," he waved his hand as the taxi started off into unknown to me direction.

Slowly, I crossed the road and stopped at the gates, looking at the house. It surprised me that I didn't experience any tingle of joy or sadness upon looking at the all too familiar creamy walls and iron fence. It was strange... It felt like it wasn't home to where I was returning. Shaking off all the unnecessary thoughts, I pressed the button of an intercom.

"Who's there?" father's voice asked. I raised my eyebrows, surprised. Usually it was mom who answered the door.

"Father. It's me."

Gates clicked open and I went through it, mentally preparing myself for whatever there was to come once I'd be inside.

To say that my father was surprised to see me at the threshold means to say nothing. I don't think I'd ever seen him so worried, alarmed and elated at the same time.

"Lawliet..." he whispered, looking at me with all eyes. I could understand the staring. I'd probably changed so much that he hardly recognized me. A long minute we looked at each other, learning faces anew. With a slight hurt I realized that father had gone older. In the deep creases on his face I could see his life. His memories of the days that were far much worse than anything I'd yet experienced had worn their way through from his mind to the surface of his skin.

"I'm home..." I said awkwardly, fixing the bag on my shoulder. "Where's ma?"

"Oh... your mother... she... err... Why are you still standing on the threshold? Come in, come in! You must be hungry. I'll ask the maid to serve supper for us," he dragged me inside and waited for me to take off my shoes. "Oh, Lawliet... You've changed so much. You're now taller than me! I still can't believe how big you've become. You probably won't fit in your bed anymore..."

"No, I probably won't," I smiled and gasped when father suddenly wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him in return.

"Well, I'm sure you remember all the rooms here," he smiled once he'd let go of me. "Take a rest and we'll talk later. I'm certain there's a lot you have to tell me."

I smiled at him before he went away to look for the maid. _'Welcome back,'_ I thought, glancing around. I slowly started threading through the house, remembering some events of my childhood days when my eyes stumbled on certain things, like that glass coffee table in the hall. I'd once bumped into it and managed to get a deep cut that had turned into a scar on my knee. My heart started beating nervously when I went upstairs. And the closer I got to a room that had once been mine, the faster my heartbeat got. Clutching the door handle, I took a deep breath and swung it open.

My old bed stood in the corner beside a computer desk. Through a window I could see the seafront. Faint memories of looking out of this very window, waiting for something big to happen, flushed my mind, making my heart squeeze in a bittersweet pain. Seven years ago I couldn't had even begun to imagine what everything would be like now.

Slowly, I closed the door behind me and put my rucksack on a chair. I made it to my bed and gingerly lay down on it. I surely couldn't sleep here, for I had to press my legs to my chest in order to actually fit into the bed. The room was dark. I could hear bustling of cars and low hum of the ocean outside. Subconsciously, I started counting the wave tides I could hear. Back in my childhood I'd often done so to help myself fall asleep.

I was already in a slumber when there resounded a knock on the door. Then I heard woman's voice calling me down for supper. Probably it was that maid father was talking about... But where was my mother?

Five minutes later father and I were sitting in the dining room. Nothing had changed there too. I glanced at the empty chair in front of me. It was exactly that same chair on which Raito had been sitting and talking to my parents all those years ago... Dear god, it didn't surprise me that I couldn't stop thinking of him while still in Tokyo, but being reminded of him in my parents' house was even worse.

"So," father began. "What exactly happened? I could get nothing from your explanation over the phone."

"That's a long story..." I sighed but began telling him everything. I started from the time I'd been undergoing the years of apprenticing and finished with the oyabun's betrayal and collapse of the family. Such a long speech left me breathless and I took a sip from my glass before finishing it: "...and aniki-san told me that I too should start a new life."

Father stayed silent for good five minutes. He was shaking his head, a frown of disappointment and anger evident on his face. Finally, he looked up at me and grumbled:

"Unbelievable. Raito refused to support the family after he'd learned what the oyabun had done to it? Unbelievable..."

"Well... It was his choice," I said, fidgeting on my chair. "He couldn't really do much about the situation..."

"He could." Father raised his index finger up, gesturing for me to keep quiet. "He had to stay, it was his duty. While it's not too late, he must continue from where he left off. He must take the oyabun's place and raise the family, make it stronger. It's a tremendous honor to be entrusted to such a duty. Words can not describe how much I am disappointed in him... Yagami Raito ran away like a rat. If someone other than you told me that, I'd have never believed them."

"But it was his choice," I knitted my eyebrows, confused and hurt with father's words. "He's a human, he can choose how to live his life. Besides, he did it for the best..."

"Worst of things happen due to best of intentions. He has his obligations which he must carry out," father raised his voice, looking at me sternly. "Did he teach you at all? Becoming yakuza means devoting your life to the family. We stay loyal until the very end. And the end never ought to come for there are people who must prevent the family from collapsing. There are no former yakuza. Even I still have responsibilities."

"And what if there's no family now? What's such a big deal about it?"

"Big deal?" he looked at me, astonished. Then father heaved out a sigh and shook his head. "And I hoped that Yagami would make a decent yakuza out of you... Can't you understand, Lawliet? By letting down the family, one submits themselves to shame. From now on, Yagami's name will be forever despised, because the one who will come after him - and there will be the person who will resurrect the family - will make sure that everyone knows about his fault and deems him a foe. And believe me when I say that you don't want the family as your enemy."

I stayed silent, blinking at my father in confusion. There it was again, all this family talk. What was so wrong and bad in living a life like you wanted? What was so awful in what Raito had done?

"...So what?" I asked quietly. "He doesn't care about it now. The family is dead for him."

"The family will be restored. And I suggest you, Lawliet, go back and reunite with it as soon as possible."

"I don't want to."

"It's your duty."

"No, it's not anymore. The family was my duty when Raito was my boss. It's he to who I've sworn to stay loyal."

"By taking an oath, you vowed to serve the family. Are you telling me you want to follow that traitor's steps and quit?"

"Exactly," I squinted. Anger was filling me from the inside like a boiling water. "I want to quit. By doing what I want I'm also fulfilling my boss' last order. That's what I call loyalty."

"That's not loyalty. That's a coincidence of interests. Loyalty should not be directed at one person in particular. When we say 'loyal', it means we stay faithful to our family and its commands. Don't be ridiculous, Lawliet. Don't you dare put our name to shame by behaving like a damn rat."

"I don't really care about putting my name to shame," I frowned, slowly raising my voice. "I don't care about that goddamn family. What I care about is that this very family you're oh so loyal to could fuck someone over so much they're now scarred for life!"

"Watch your tongue."

"Or what? Will you disown me? Will you do it for the sake of the family? I'm sick and tired of this family shit! How much longer will everyone hammer into my mind that I must stay loyal and that I have to devote my life to the family, huh?! How come the family can take whatever it wants from you, but never actually gives anything in return?! I fail to see how Raito or anyone is guilty by deciding for themselves and not doing everything according to the family's will!"

Father smacked his palm against a table, making the cutlery jump on its surface.

"Enough!" he pointed his finger at me. "You understand nothing! I see now how Yagami's taught you. Seven years of nothing! You still don't know a thing about being yakuza."

"Fine!" I spat and rose from my seat. "I might know nothing about being yakuza, but at least I've learned what it means to follow your heart and not the orders."

"Sit down," father furrowed his eyebrows together sternly. "We're not done talking."

For a long minute I stood straight, shaking from anger. Hands coiled into fists, I was ready to storm out the house and never to return again. But it wouldn't be a wise decision... Taking a deep breath, I flopped down on a chair, folding my arms and turning my eyes to glare at the carpet below my feet.

"I see now what you've learned. I should've expected that you'd become so insolent, after all it was Yagami who taught you," father shook his head dejectedly but then he smirked. "That's what's so special about him. He infects everyone around with his perception and freethinking. Even if his ideas are wrong."

I stayed silent. Father didn't talk either.

"I understand your disillusionment," he finally said in a low voice. "It's sometimes hard to come in terms with what happens while you serve the family. Deaths of friends, treachery, brutality... It's all inevitable. The toll is high indeed, but that's how it is. One must stay strong during the hard days. And I regret that Raito didn't have enough spirit to withstand what was thrown his way. What saddens me even more is that you seem too have become too attached to your boss and not to the family itself... But what are you left with now? Didn't Yagami let _you_ down by quitting the family? Don't you think that his willful resignation is also betrayal of your faith?.. Take your time to reflect on these matters. I expect you to make right choice in the end."

"By saying 'right choice' you mean joining the family again? No, thanks. I've made my choice. I'm not coming back."

"Think about it anyway."

I didn't reply, scowling at first and then taking a careful look at father. Right now he appeared worn out, as if the conversation had left him powerless.

"Where's mom?" I asked, aimlessly picking at a slice of meat I had on my plate.

"Gone."

"What?.." my head jerked up to stare at him. Father lowered his head but then looked up, gazing into my eyes calmly.

"She's gone. Broke up with me two years after you'd left the house. We got divorced."

"B-but why?" I stuttered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Her reasoning was rather... complicated. I'm guessing she was angry with me letting you go just like that. I didn't tell you about us because you had a new family. Clan replaced parents for you, and I knew better than distracting you from your duties."

"You had to tell me..." I whispered. "Clan or not, I've always been a part of this family. I'm still your son."

Father didn't reply. He shook his head, taking a large sip of wine from his glass. I closed my eyes for a moment, too tired to start a new argument.

"I'm going to bed now," I said quietly, rising from my seat again. "Goodnight, father."

* * *

Two months passed. Slowly but surely life started obtaining its routine again. Most of the time I spent in the four walls of my home, busying myself with drawing amateurish paintings to set my mind off the troubling matters. Upon digging in my old room, I found an easel my mother'd bought me when I was a child. She'd hoped I would develop creativity with it and even hired a private tutor to teach me how to draw. But it was in these times that the easel became of utmost need for me and served as my salvation.

I felt preoccupied while making outlines with a pencil, trying to make the person on the picture look like a mini copy of a real human being. It took even more time to perfect the draft and paint the canvas. I was thankful for such a sudden respite from my wandering thoughts... I honestly tried not to think of Raito while painting, and indeed I wasn't thinking of him, but the outcome was the same no matter how hard I pushed his image off my mind. The person on my drafts would always end up having his eyes.

Painting became a medicine for me, a syrup of magical herbs. I'd open my mouth, inhale the scent of fresh paint, touch the canvas with the tip of my fingers, close my eyes and let the feelings flow from my hands. Painting felt like spiritual penetration. Like a confluence. Like sex for one, accompanied by a sweet twitching of the soul. But when there was a hole in the chest, invisible to everyone but present and real for me, the most difficult task was to ignore pain of hollowness it brought. I filled that hole with colors and images, with memories and hopes, and ignored everything else.

Father didn't approve of my new hobby but couldn't really protest against it. After all, what so bad was with me wasting my time by the easel? A salvation from his disapproving glances came unexpectedly. Teru kept his promise and visited my house. And strangely enough, he and my father became rather good friends. I had no idea what were they talking about, but Teru's visits became more and more often and I frequently heard them laughing and conversing downstairs. They even went as far as to go camping and fishing together. I honestly couldn't care less. If Mikami wanted a friend like my father, he was free to act as he willed. As long as it saved me from father's nagging and silent disappointment, I was okay with it.

After a month more, I was unexpectedly reminded of Raito's gift. It happened when I was going through my rucksack in search of my favorite t-shirt, but instead of finding it, my fingers bumped into something cold, something that felt like metal. I fished out the object, staring at it. On a metal ring there were dangling keys both from Raito's apartment and my flat. How long had it been since I'd left the apartment?.. Four months. Yes, four months.

I glanced around guiltily, briefly wondering if someone had already bought the property. Something inside of me was itching, demanding to visit the apartment. I couldn't do it. It would be utterly ridiculous and awkward to turn up there and stumble upon the new owners. I really shouldn't have done it...

A whole variety of thoughts was randomly filling my mind, flashing in neon signs and dying out instantly... And I couldn't get the failed program called 'logic' to get to work properly. I practically wasn't aware of my own thoughts and actions when snatching my wallet, leaving the house and arriving to a train station. In a dream-like state I got off the train in Tokyo and headed in the direction of a place I remembered so vividly. Soon I was there. Trembling fingers couldn't operate while I tried to shove a key inside of a lock. For a moment I got scared that perhaps someone had indeed bought the property and changed locks. But eventually I managed to fit the key inside and turned it, even though it took me a lot more time than it should have to open the front door and walk inside the quiet apartment.

In a broad daylight it felt empty. Floor was covered with a thin layer of dust. Quiet ticking of clocks on the wall was the only thing that was breaking the silence that otherwise ruled over the place. Shadow. Everything was but a shadow of Raito and our past. As if in a bad, slow, black and white dream, I closed the door behind me and staggered down the hallway, forgetting to take off my shoes. The corridor and the path from the front door to Raito's bedroom seemed unrealistically long. It felt like it was constantly going off into distance, and I even fancied that the handle of the door I so wished to go through, was trying to elude from my fingers. Finally, I was able to catch it and opened the door. Upon entering, I closed it behind me and leaned my back against it. Breathing became unbearably difficult. Chest got squeezed with pain that prevented me from taking a full breath. The room was rather dark with blinds that prevented the light from coming inside through the windows. But even this darkness couldn't hide from me my own trembling fingers. I gingerly took a step forward, walking to the windows and pulling up the blinds, letting the sunlight fill the room. I looked around again, gulping anxiously. I knew everything in this room. Knew, to my own surprise, the place of each and every thing here. Knew that on the third shelf of the closet there were Raito's shirts, stored in a perfect pile, and on the shelf below it were his jeans and pants, stored in just the same perfect order. I knew that on the first two racks hang Raito's best suits, on the third there was his favorite shirt that he always stored separately from other clothes. On the fourth and fifth – two of his other shirts that he'd never actually put on, and on the sixth was his black field jacket. I knew that in the farthest corner of the upper shelf of the closet, in a place which in Raito's opinion I would have never reached, he'd hidden a strongly perfumed shower gel which I used to hate. I knew that in the first drawer of his nightstand, Raito stored magazines full of bullets for 'special occasions'. Knew that he had always had this drawer locked with a key... I knew and remembered every single thing in this room. And if I was in a right state for getting surprised, I'd certainly have done just that, realizing how many unimportant things I knew about Raito.

I looked around the room with empty eyes: a neatly folded duvet on a bed, a digital clock that for some reason showed the wrong time on the bedside table. The room felt almost empty with its lack of decorative elements. The only thing that adorned it was a rather small painting of a really fat and rather grotesque looking elephant that hang right above the bed. I remembered that it was me who'd drawn and given it to Raito on one of his birthdays. Back then he'd snickered and asked if I was trying to tell something to him. I'd gotten so ashamed that I had almost snatched the painting out of his hands but he'd laughed and said that he loved it. A lie. But he'd hung it above his bed nonetheless.

It took a great effort to look away from the painting. Even greater effort was made to tear the soils of my shoes off the floor and walk to a closet. I didn't understand what exactly was I doing – it was beyond the scope of rational logic and therefore didn't get processed by my brain that was refusing to cooperate. I was just doing the thing that was demanded by my gutter, by something that was so deep within me that I couldn't even call it a soul. The closet's doors opened, yielding to my slightly shaking hands. I slowly glanced from the bottom up: shirts, stacked in a perfect order on a third shelf... I glanced to the left – two suits on the first two racks, shirt, jacket... My hands reached to the third rack on their own accord. I had a poor understanding of why was I taking off Raito's once favorite shirt, why was I pressing it to my face, why did I close my eyes and tried to deeply inhale Raito's scent which this thing kept in its fabric. Such a dear and so much-needed scent... In what felt like a daze, I walked to the bed, carefully putting the piece of white cloth down. I looked at it while tugging off my own t-shirt and tossing it on the floor a moment later. And I didn't even care to search for explanation to my actions when I put on Raito's shirt that felt too big for me, and lay down on the floor, turning my head to look at the door. It was warm in the apartment but I'd never been so cold. Fabric gathered in folds on the sleeves, wide open flaps rested on the sides of the shirt, the fold of the collar was resting against my cheek. I turned my head to the side a little bit more, so that I could bury my face in the edge of the collar and be able to breathe in the smell that I needed more than air. Thoughts gradually left my head, plunging me into ringing silence, rooting sadness and anxiousness deep within my soul and leaving just one desire... I kept looking at the door... cherishing, wanting and pointlessly waiting for one thing to happen – for that door to open and for Raito to enter the room.

I wanted to cry. To sob like a child, bathed in quiet despair and helplessness. The shirt became my cocoon of self-pity and I clung to it, shaking with my whole body. My longing for him was stronger than complete loneliness I found myself in. It was foolish of me to behave that way. It wasn't as if Raito had died. He just was not there. And realization of him being away, seasoned with fear of never seeing him again made me coil into myself, grasping desperately at the shirt.

_He had left me. _

Regretfully, I realized that I'd never asked him if he was going to find me someday. And I was still foolishly waiting and hoping that he would come back one day.

Biting into my lower lip, I suppressed tears that threatened to roll down. Why couldn't I just forget everything? Why did I still care? He'd left me without regrets. He probably didn't even bother to think about me. And life went on. I should have just gotten on with it.

I jolted when my cell phone went off, buzzing in the pocket of my jeans.

"Hello?" my voice sounded strange and unfamiliar to myself.

"Lawliet, are you home?" I heard father's voice. "Why are you not picking up the phone?"

"I'm not at home, dad."

"Where are you then?" I heard splash of water in the phone. Ah, yes... Mikami and father had gone to some trip. Again.

"In Tokyo."

"Huh? Did you decide to get down to business?"

"No."

"Then what are you doing there?" he asked, bewildered.

"I'm... visiting my flat here. Decided to rent it out. Get some money." I mentally slapped myself. Now I couldn't even form proper sentences, and talked like some kind of robot.

"I see... Well, I was going to warn you that I'll be camping for two more days."

"Alright."

"Is everything okay? You sound... strange."

"I'm okay."

Father paused. Then he sighed and told me:

"I'm worried about you."

I couldn't find with what to reply to him and stayed silent. Father sighed again. "Take care, son."

"You too. Bye."

I hung up and put the phone back into my pocket. God... I never knew it was going to be so hard. Father sounded rather concerned, and he rarely got worried about anything. I had to pull myself together and face the music, go back to the world where I was waited and worried about.

To change back into my clothes and leave the apartment turned out to be harder than I'd ever imagined. Taking off Raito's shirt became a virtually impossible task. Once and again I was finding hundreds of arguments to stay dressed in that thing that kept the scent of my beloved. _'It's normal,'_ I kept telling myself, _'who would ever guess that the shirt isn't mine? Isn't it trendy to wear something that hangs loosely?'_ But common sense that was gradually returning to me, strongly suggested that my idea wasn't the best. It was enough that I couldn't get over Raito, why did I want to hurt myself more and carry the material manifestation of my memories of him? Besides, I was sure that Mikami would recognize the shirt once he'd see it. And I knew that Teru wouldn't leave the matter alone. He'd definitely start teasing and sneering at me again. Did I want that? Was I becoming a masochist? I needed to start thinking logically. But what was common sense when it entered into an argument with an aching heart? _'Who would dare to reproach your feelings?..' _it whispered, _'who will understand the pain you are going through?..'_

"No one..." I whispered into silence, and with a heavy sigh, violating my own feelings, I slowly stripped myself from the shirt that seemed to had inosculated with my skin. I was shivering as my hands picked up my own t-shirt from the floor and put it on my body. Throwing a glimpse in a mirror, I turned away. What a pathetic sight I represented...

Before leaving the apartment, I took one final look at the shirt. No. I wasn't going to take it with me. I had to recover from the illness that people called love. There was absolutely no point in wallowing in self-pity and misery, waiting for some wonder to happen. After all, since Raito was no longer with me, it was no one but myself who kept feeding and nourishing the feelings, who kept conjuring excuses and cherishing hopes. This had to stop. I had to let go.

* * *

_ A/N: This chapter is a little boring since we have no romance or any action in it. At least I can promise that there's going to be some unexpected action in the next one! Anyway, I hope enjoyed reading it and thank you as always :) _


	18. XVIII

**XVIII **

Letting go of love was hard. Harder than anything I'd ever encountered with. I started off with simple small steps – I forced myself to see the truth and realize that Raito Yagami wasn't as perfect of a human being as I'd always pictured him. He did his wrongs. Even Mikami, who'd virtually worshipped our boss, turned out to be smarter than me. At least he'd recognized the defeat when he'd seen one. But what had he done about it? Thrown in the towel and given up the useless fight. I'd been too stubborn, naïve or lovestruck to accept failure so easily. The worst thing about love was that it had made me biased... I wanted to see Raito's best and it'd resulted in me turning blind and completely ignoring his faults while coloring the truth. I spent hours, days, weeks, analyzing, re-analyzing and trying to draw out a conclusion from all of his words and actions. What was he, in the end? Demanding. Stubborn. Cruel. Selfish. Lost. Broken. Not exactly a person to fall in love with. Accepting him for who he was, made things a little bit easier. My understanding and acceptance of truth had wiped away the sacred halo around him and replaced it with pity soaked in tenderness. But it didn't make me love him any less. I missed him. Missed his laughter, his voice. Sometimes I wondered if he was missing me just as much, and I couldn't do anything but wait for him to come back to me one day and take me away once again, however unrealistic that was. Perhaps, I was right from the very beginning, thinking that such a strong feeling could only be erased with time. What saddened me most was my thoughts about the real reason behind Raito's departure. I knew that I'd given him more than enough hints about my true feelings, and Raito wasn't a fool not to understand what I'd been getting at. He knew. I was sure about it. He knew everything, and yet he left. None of us said anything, but it didn't matter. His leave was the answer.

They say time flies. I wasn't so sure about that. Months were passing in a black and white carnival of days. Perhaps it were my thoughts of the most dear person that kept breaking time's wings.

In my incessant reflection over Raito, I failed to bear in mind that I still had to behave like a normal person, and live my life like any other 20 year old. During those months of my love rehab, I locked myself at home, mostly doing nothing but sublimating my feelings on an empty canvas. Needless to say, father became seriously worried about me. He often incited Mikami to make a friendly visit to me, just so that I wouldn't feel isolated. I didn't want to talk to Teru. He seemed a shallow person who had nothing but a bunch of hormones and adrenalin rushing in his veins. But on his sixth visit, something unexpected happened. I blamed it on him, since it was he who kept nagging at me with stupid questions and unnecessary remarks.

"Come on, Lawliet. Enough of being a wuss," he said. "Have you decided to become a recluse or something? What happened to you anyway?"

"Nothing."

"As if."

"What do you want?" I looked up at him, feeling honestly sick.

"Bring you back to life?"

"I am alive. See? I breathe, blink, talk. What other proof do you need? If you're done checking whether I'm dead yet, please go away. I want to be left alone."

"Ugh, you're impossible to be around. You do know that your sour mood affects everyone in vicinity, right?" Teru threw his hands up and glanced around my room. The easel that stood in the corner caught his attention and he walked to it, reaching with his hand to pull down an opaque film that was covering the canvas.

"Don't do that!" I protested, frowning.

"Why?" he asked, hand hovered mid-air.

"It's not done yet."

"Can I see it? I'm curious."

"No."

"Stop being a prick," Teru laughed and before I could react, he snatched the film and yanked it away.

I froze, feeling my heart sink into the pit of my stomach, momentarily making my limbs cold. Oh god. I didn't want Teru to see that. On a canvas that he was staring at was Raito. He stood shirtless, with blades in his hands, back turned to the spectator. You couldn't even tell it was him, but the tattoo on his back made things glaringly clear for ones who knew about it. And Mikami did know. He'd seen boss' tattoo.

We stayed silent. Mikami kept staring at the painting. I hid my face in the palms of my hands. Great. Now Mikami would surely start mocking me, and I wasn't confident that I could repel his cruel words anymore.

"Wow..." he finally breathed out.

"Are you happy now?" I snarled, glaring at him. "Get out of my room."

"But, Lawliet..."

"Get out!" I shouted, throwing a pillow flying in his face. Unfortunately, he caught it easily.

"Calm down! Why are you getting so worked up all of a sudden?"

"Because I fucking told you not to touch the easel!"

"What's wrong about me seeing this, jeez!" Teru frowned and looked at the painting again. "It's beautiful. You must be really talented. It's like... I'm looking at him."

"You _are_ looking at him, dumbass."

"No, I mean it feels like he's real. How did you do that?"

"Not your business," I spat.

"Hell, what's wrong with you? I'm complimenting your skills here!"

I stayed silent, looking down at the bedding and tracing ornament on it with my finger. I didn't notice Teru coming closer until he crouched beside my bed and looked at me.

"What's wrong?"

I took a deep breath, meaning to tell him to mind his own business and leave me alone, but... not a word left my mouth. I mutely shook my head and closed my eyes tightly.

"Is it... is it because of _him_?" he whispered.

I wanted to shake my head. But instead, I nodded, feeling as my eyes started to prickle, signaling that the damn tears were about to get spilled.

"You... Err... You can talk about it with me, if you wish," I heard Teru telling me in a whisper. Judging by his voice, he hesitated just as much as I did. "I won't tell anyone, don't worry. I mean... I can relate after all..."

I probably had to go completely crazy before I could start talking about my feelings with _Mikami_. And perhaps I did go insane, for I opened my mouth and words started stumbling out of it in a messy flow of sobs and incoherent phrases. I told him everything. Starting from my feelings to Raito and ending up with the divorce of my parents. I didn't know if Teru even understood anything of what I was pouring out on him. He certainly couldn't have gotten the part where I tried to tell him about visiting Raito's apartment and then lying on the floor in his shirt, since all I kept saying was 'shirt', 'smell', 'floor', and 'fool'. I can't tell when he left. I only know that he stayed with me while I was shaking with silent sobs, slowly calming down and falling asleep.

After that incident, I honestly expected that Mikami wouldn't ever want to talk to me again but for some strange reason, we'd grown closer. I could almost say that he'd become my friend. At least we tolerated each other's presence fairly well and even found a few common topics to talk about. His visits became even more often than before. Sometimes I got a feeling that he'd secretly taken an empty room in the mansion and was now living with me and my father. However it might have been, I was grateful. Our conversations with Teru felt like a balm to that throbbing wound inside of me. I'd thought that speaking about my troubles could never take a load off of my chest, but Mikami had proved me wrong...

Taking into account Mikami's frequent unbidden visits, it didn't surprise me when yet again Teru strolled into my room, closing the door behind his back. I looked up at him, diverting my attention from the book and to his face.

"Hi," I said, smiling uncertainly.

"Hi," he smiled back and threw his bag onto my bed. That was something new.

"What's this?" I asked, sitting up.

"My things. I'm staying overnight," he said casually, shrugging his shoulders as if it was a completely normal thing for him to say.

I blinked a couple of times, watching Teru who started scouring the insides of his bag, looking for something.

"I'm not sure if..." I began saying but he waved me off.

"Everything's fine, don't worry. Knowing that you're a daddy's little boy I've warned your father."

"Funny how you thought about that but forgot to warn me," I sighed but lay back on my bed. "And did he believe that a twenty three year old man wants to hang out at night with his friend in said friend's house?"

"Of course. You don't need to state things so blatantly. I, for one, told your father that I was around this area and decided to make a visit. Seeing that's it's already quite late, your father was hospitable enough to offer me to spend the night here."

"Were you around?" I squinted.

"I sure was. I live a few blocks away from here."

"Is that so?" I intoned, quietly wondering over the fact that I still hadn't asked Teru anything about his life. "You never told me. What are you doing in this city anyway?"

"Living," Mikami looked at me like I was an idiot. "Working."

"You work? Where?"

"In a kindergarten."

He said it with absolutely straight face. I snickered.

"Funny."

"I'm not kidding," he shook his head. "I work in a kindergarten for disabled children."

"And what exactly is your job?"

"I look after kids, talk to them, help them make exercises and such. It's mostly an odd job. Just want to keep myself busy with something."

"I see..." I shook my head, still not believing that Teru was actually working with kids.

Mikami hesitated before continue speaking:

"You probably don't believe me. I know you think I'm a total prick who can't take care of children, but the thing is I really like those kids. There's something so pure and vulnerable in the way they look at me, that it makes me feel so... strong and powerful, in a good way. I think they help me to mature, however weird that sounds. You may laugh but when I look at them, I can't help but feel as if I'm a fully grown, responsible man. I've never felt this way before. I sometimes even think that I want to get my own kids, you know? To become a father..."

"Oh..."

There was an awkward pause.

"Hey. Look at what I've got here," Teru said suddenly, thrusting something into my hands.

"Beer?" I arched my brow sceptically. "If you were planning to get drunk, you should've gone to a bar."

"And I could also bring you along?" he looked at me just as sceptically.

"No."

"Then it's settled," he smiled again. I frowned. Mikami was sure quick to get lippy, and I didn't really like that side of him.

"Like hell it is," I told him, tossing the bottle aside.

"Don't be a pain in the ass. Let's have some fun."

"That's not my conception of fun."

Teru seemed to have become thoughtful for a moment but then a mischievous grin plastered itself on his face.

"Wanna fight?"

"Huh?" I looked at him, surprised.

"It's been awhile since I've last beaten the shit out of someone. Bet you too didn't get a chance to vent out some tension?" he said, warming up his fists with a crunch.

"Well, yes."

"Then, let's go? Face to face. I dare you," he smirked.

"Alright," I said after a minute of consideration. "Just not here. Let's go to the courtyard."

He nodded and smiled, waiting for me to get off the bed before walking out of my room.

* * *

Once in the courtyard, Mikami didn't waste any time and threw a hook in my face. Perhaps my reaction had gotten really bad, since his blow reached its goal and I staggered, clutching at my burning cheek.

"Been neglecting trainings, eh?" Teru asked in a mocking tone. "Don't think I'm gonna go soft on you."

Instead of answering I closed my eyes for a second, focusing on the feel of my body, then jumped, delivering a bolley kick that forced Teru to take a few steps back. The movement made me wince in pain - the bullet wound still hurt when I strained muscles too much.

"Please don't hold back. I promise I won't either," I smirked.

For a moment we glared at each other before simultaneously launching forward, growling and pummeling fists into each other's faces and sides. The fight was quickly becoming strange. There was no tactics in it whatsoever. None of us tried to evade punches or block any of the blows. We just stood in an awkward embrace, relentlessly hammering our fists into the body of the opponent.

"You know," Mikami said hoarsely after I punched him especially hard. "I've missed this."

He then suddenly turned around swiftly, slamming his elbow into my jaw. I managed to keep my balance and whipped my leg to let it hit him in the face. Once again we grappled each other but this time Mikami started pressing me backwards. He brought his weight into play, slowly but implacably leaning all of his body on me. I still was clutching at his sides, while Teru was holding me tightly as well, so the position didn't leave many maneuvers. And soon enough my legs gave way and I fell on my back, bringing Teru with me.

For some time we lay there, panting while trying to even out breath. Teru's body was pressing me down and normally it would have felt uncomfortable. But right now, for some very weird reason, I found that his weight on me felt reassuring in some way. I felt his breathe on my skin each time he exhaled into my shoulder. Judging by Teru's breathing pattern, he'd long since restored his normal heartbeat, so the reason he persisted on making himself comfortable on me wasn't exactly clear.

"Hey," I said, pushing his shoulder. Mikami raised his head a little and gave me a vacant stare. "Get off me."

He stared at me with the same empty eyes. His lips were broken and blood was trickling down his chin in a thin rivulet. The pensiveness with which he was gazing at me seemed peculiar and unfamiliar. I couldn't remember a single time I'd seen Teru so serious. I watched as he raised his hand and brought his index finger to my mouth, tugging at its corner, forming a lopsided grin.

"Smile more often," he said. "Suits you."

A gust of wind tousled his hair, throwing stray locks on his face. I looked at him, curiously studying his calm eyes. I knew what he was thinking. Unlike Raito, he had everything written on his face. I knew that if I wouldn't push him away, we'd be stuck in this awkward position because Teru wouldn't dare to make a move. And I was utterly fed up and done with all these cock teasing situations I'd so frequently found myself in with Raito. I didn't want for past to repeat itself.

"Do it already." I told Teru, giving him a bored look.

His eyes rounded in surprise. He then frowned and glanced at me suspiciously. I could tell that Mikami wanted to say something, perhaps to retort with crude words, but eventually he just shook his head and leaned in, capturing my lips in a kiss. I could only gasp in surprise at his sudden decisiveness, but he caught that quiet exhalation, bringing his hands to hold my face in place. Teru's lips moved against mine, slowly at first but gradually the kissing got fast and desperate. It didn't take him long to bit into my lower lip and lick at it, slithering his tongue into the crevice between my lips. I gasped again upon feeling his tongue on mine. Unusual at first, the sensation was getting more and more pleasant with each flick of his tongue in my mouth.

I lost myself in the kiss, greedily responding to it, licking away blood from Mikami's lips, putting my arms around him, trying to get him as close as possible. I failed to notice when I began to rub against him, moaning quietly into the kiss. Teru's hips were thrusting up to mine in spastic jolts, sending waves of pleasure through my body. When we unsealed our lips to take yet another breath of air, Mikami's hands caught mine, not letting me push his head down again.

"Not here. Your room."

It was then that I suddenly remembered about my father who could have as well glanced out of a window and notice Mikami and I in a very compromising position. But I was already so far gone that I couldn't bring myself to care. Together with Teru we rushed back into the house and up the stairs. Closing my bedroom door, I locked it before turning to face Teru who immediately launched at me again, crashing our lips together. Not breaking away from each other, we stumbled to my bed in the darkness, and fell on it. One of Mikami's hands came to fumble and finger my hair, pulling at it almost too roughly. Off came our shirts, thrown into a small pile on the floor. I breathed out huskily once the kiss was broken, I let my hand travel downwards to flip open my jeans and tug them down. Judging by the movements of Teru's hand beside mine, he was doing the same with his clothes. We gasped simultaneously once all the barriers between us were eliminated and I felt him pressing into me.

Tiny noises filled the room as we kept rocking up to each other's squirming bodies. I shuddered at Teru's breath that was ghosting over my exposed neck, bringing forth goosebumps along the skin. On an impulse, I opened my mouth and licked a wet stripe up Teru's neck, tasting the salt and something else, distinctly musky. Screwing my eyes closed, I clutched at his shoulders and brought my leg up to enable even more close proximity. I shouldn't have gotten as surprised as I did when Raito's image popped up in my mind while listening to Mikami's labored breath. I felt my flesh twitch and a wanton whine broke through my clenched teeth as I imagined that it were Raito's hands that were sliding up and down my back, that is was him thrusting up against me, leaving wet kisses along my chest and throat. Desperate pain along with intense pleasure sparked my insides. All of my efforts were for nothing, it seemed. I couldn't forget him even when I was inhaling the smell of heated skin beside me and that smell had nothing to remind me of Raito. Grudgingly, I dispelled my fantasy and opened my eyes, looking at Teru through the haze of welled up tears. It didn't surprise me to find that he too wasn't looking at me, having his face hidden in the crook of my neck while eliciting meek sobs and hoarse moaning. What if he was imaging just the same thing as I? Even if that wasn't the case, Raito's presence was already there, thanks to me. What kind of a sick pervert I was to have a ghost as a third party in this kind of encounter? And most of all, why was I enjoying fantasizing even more than accepting the actual thing as it was?

I let out an unsteady breath, letting my eyes drift closed again and bringing my lips to Teru's neck, nipping at it and leaving tiny bites. A moan hitched in my throat when Mikami's hand grasped us together and he began stroking along the shafts, hand flying up and down the slick, tight skin.

We clutched at each other, and I blindly searched for his lips to latch at them, merging us in a deep, messy kiss. I shuddered, hips bucking unwillingly as I could feel myself tightening in warning. It was so wet down there that Teru's moving hand was causing the filthy sound of wet flesh slapping against each other fill the room. His lips were on my throat again and I caved in completely, shutting my eyes close and letting my imagination run wild. And just for a moment I fancied that I could once again smell the warm and home-like scent that Raito's skin always had. That was the final kick and I came like it'd been punched out of me. I could feel Mikami's groan reverberating on my skin as he was shuddering beside me, streaks splattering across our bare stomachs. His hand was still pumping us leisurely, but soon he removed it to rest it cautiously near his body. I rolled on my back, content to remain in this position for now, at least.

Unfortunately, the afterglow didn't last long and soon my mind finally caught up with my actions and started mulling over what the hell I'd done. Unable to lay still, I sat up, putting my feet on the ground and clutching my hair in my fists. Thoughts were flashing in my head, terrifying with abundance of the words 'shit' and 'oh my god'. I'd just slept with my friend. How the heck had that happened? What'd gotten into me? And the main question remained – what the fucking hell was I supposed to do now? Talk about it? Tell Mikami I wasn't serious? Clean up and pretend nothing'd happened? Send him home, walk of shame and everything?

Teru shifted and I glanced at him. Again, he was staring at me with a serious and tad sad expression in his eyes.

"What?" I asked cautiously. He shook his head slowly. I frowned and turned away. Mattress on my bed shifted again, and this time I felt Teru's face pressing against the back of my neck. All of a sudden I thought of what would Raito say if he'd see me like this... Half naked, filthy with my own and other guy's spunk all over my stomach, and with Teru on my disheveled bed. I groaned quietly and pulled my hair down in frustration.

Good god. And I was supposed to stop thinking about Raito after this. It was nothing but one more step on my way of forgetting the man who'd fucked me over in life. But what did I get in the end?

"Don't." I flinched out of my thoughts when Teru pressed a kiss to my skin.

"Why not?"

"This is... this is not right," I told him quietly.

Teru heaved out a sigh and flopped back on my bed. I turned to see him looking at me with an obvious displeasure on his face.

"Was it a one night stand then?" he asked. "Wham bam thank you ma'am and such?"

"Consider it what you want. It's not like you were serious about this either."

For a long moment he stared at me and I could just feel the weight of his disbelief.

"So you honestly think it's okay to have casual sex?" he asked, incredulous.

"Is it not?"

Speechless, Teru shook his head and glared at me.

"You know, sex is not something that should be thrown around between random people. Where the heck did you get such ideas from?!"

"It wasn't that random... We know each other." I fidgeted, feeling uncomfortable. Why was Teru raging about this all of a sudden? Wasn't sex with no strings attached something completely normal?.. At least, that was what I'd learned from Raito and his one-time intimate encounters.

"So what if we know each other? It only makes it worse now that you're saying it didn't mean a thing to you. Geez. Do you always throw yourself at someone you so _much_ as know? How many partners have you had then? Should I make an appointment with a venereologist, perhaps?"

I frowned, getting angry at dirty implication in his words. But my anger died out almost immediately, as soon I remembered that I'd literally used Teru in hopes to forget Raito. He was completely right being enraged with me.

"You'd better leave... It's not going to work." I told him softly, averting my eyes. It was useless. Poor Teru, he had no idea. And stupid me. I couldn't have fallen any lower. What was wrong with me? The more I tried to forget Raito, the more persistent thoughts of him were becoming. Now it'd gotten so far that it'd pushed me over the edge of doing something I knew I would regret. I could only watch and silently marvel at how he could fuck up my life without even being in it.

Something clicked behind my back and I heard Teru letting out a sigh. Turning around, I saw him sucking on a bottle of beer I'd tossed on my bed about an hour ago. He glanced at me and grabbed his bag, pulling out another bottle a few moments later.

"Here," he said, handing it over to me. I nodded, this time setting down to drinking it without hesitation. We stayed silent. The level of liquid in my bottle was quickly lowering.

"You're probably right," Teru said all of a sudden. I raised an eyebrow at him, but he wasn't looking at me, gazing at a wall instead. "We won't work out. I keep seeing him in your eyes. Each time. You look at me and it's like you're saying 'He wouldn't do so. He wouldn't say so'... If you keep comparing people around you to him, it won't work. You won't be happy with what you get until you stop looking for him."

"But I can't..." I said softly. "I'm stuck."

"I know. That's why I say we won't work out." Teru sighed again and got up from the bed, zipping up his pants. "Before I go, mind showing me the bathroom?"


	19. XIX

**XIX**

A year and a half had passed since Raito's sudden disappearance. Nothing had really changed in my life, except for the fact that I'd started to take painting more and more seriously. Sometimes it felt like I did so just to stay sane. After the incident with Teru, his visits had become rare so I'd been yet again left completely alone. We'd still talked or chatted with each other here and there and with time things'd become less awkward and more like they used to be. When the ready canvases had filled a makeshift studio and two other rooms, father half-jokingly had offered to organize an exhibition for my works. I'd shrugged my shoulders - worn out from the inside, I'd stopped caring if someone would see what I'd painted. Arranging an exhibition had proved surprisingly easy – either it had been due to money paid to a gallery's administration, or the administration itself had been glad to find a new artist.

The first exhibition had brought me some fame among narrow circle of connoisseurs, and a few good reviews in professional journals, although not on the first page. Best of my paintings had even received two diplomas and a gran-prix of a not too well-known competition. I'd taken my moderate success almost indifferently and shoved the diplomas into the depths of a drawer. Still, father's idea was rather good. Even though it had utterly sickened me to deliver an opening speech in front of a crowd that consisted of intellectuals (or pseudo-intellectuals) and journalists who'd kept asking stupid questions, the exhibition had managed to shake me up a little bit and yank me from a vicious series of monotonous days. In addition to that, there had been people, a very small percentage of them, who hadn't only been looking at the paintings, but had seen something in them, something, that I'd subconsciously wanted to show. But of course they hadn't been able to see and understand everything, mostly because my mastery hadn't yet been fully perfected and because one'd had to live through the moments of my memory that I'd vaguely depicted on my canvases. But those people had been asking right questions, had been sharing their ideas, and out of conversations with them I'd sometimes drawn a lot about myself and what I'd painted.

Six months after the first exhibition, father asked me if I wanted him to organize a second one. Once again I shrugged. After all the start hadn't been overly promising. But apparently father wanted me to stay in touch with society, so a few more months later I was attending the opening of my second show. The modest outcome of my previous exhibition could never have possibly prepared me for the smashing success of the second one. Completely unexpectedly it became a cultural explosion, and the endless stream of people came in crowds. Even the doubling of ticket's price didn't scare them away. The high ticket cost had nothing to do with me, really. It was the administration of the gallery that didn't want to let a chance slip. Invitations to interviews and press conferences came in a such numbers that even though I was declining half of them, I still had to spent my days in front of cameras and tape recorders.

Some inner prophetic intuition told me that the success I was having would never repeat. That it was the first and the last time people were accepting and loving my work. Their interest was the result of them catching strong emotions I'd invested in a two-dimensional space, but most people didn't understand a part of their meaning. Walking down the aisles, looking at the walls that were veiled with my canvases I felt chills, for it seemed that the walls were covered with mirrors or windows overlooking either my past or my soul.

The past made itself known when the people from it started visiting the exhibition. Aside from Mikami, who'd already seen the paintings at my house, the first one to take a look at my works was Matsuda. He came with a visibly pregnant woman who, as I learned, was his wife. I surprised myself with a surge of tenderness that I experienced upon looking at them. I found my own sentimentality to be rather funny, and my good mood didn't darken even after Matsuda's wife's hasty departure. Matsuda said that she'd gotten sick of stale air. I suspected that it'd happened due to some of the gory paintings but didn't dissuade the policeman. We didn't talk about the family or current alignment of forces, but after rounding the exhibition, Matsuda came to hug me, awkwardly clapping on my back and repeating something like "Poor boy" and "So that's what it's like".

Common courtesy demanded to change the topic and say something nice, so I told Matsuda that his wife was a beautiful lady, and wished both of them to have a healthy baby. The policeman beamed and told me that they were on their honey moon. After that he plunged into his memories and started lengthy explanations on how a year ago he'd met the woman and managed to persuade her to marry him. 'Persuade' was exactly the verb he used. I was starting to get a little bored with the conversation but listened to him anyway. Ten minutes later Matsuda was over explaining his and his wife's acquaintance and started telling me about their wedding. When he went into describing the wedding cake I began thinking of excusing myself, but then he casually mentioned that Raito was among other guests at the wedding. At this point of Matsuda's story, my heart started beating so wildly that for a moment I got scared I would faint. Such a reaction bothered me a little, but Matsuda didn't seem to notice my anxiousness and continued on describing his wedding party.

"...and we even hired musicians so the guests could listen to live music. By the way, when you'll be getting married, don't let your fiancée put on giant high heels. My Natsumi got nasty blisters from it and when we were dancing she kept treading on my feet."

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind," I smiled at him and paused before asking the question that'd been nagging at my mind all this time: "I was pleasantly surprised to hear that Yagami-san visited your wedding. Didn't he leave the country or something?"

"I was no less surprised than you!" Matsuda said excitedly. "Actually, a few months ahead the wedding, I tried calling him but the phone number had been disabled. After that I attempted to find him through police database but all of his contact information turned out misleading. At that point I got really disappointed. I so hoped that I'd see him on my wedding day! You know, I really looked forward to hear him delivering a speech and entertaining guests... because his social skills are really something, you should know how good of a company he can be when he wants it. But I got off track! So, one friday evening I was in a bar and guess what happened?"

"He was there too?"

"Wrong! He was outside of it. I noticed him due to pure luck. I was staring through the window and suddenly my eyes caught a familiar figure among other passers by. The man looked like Raito so much that I dashed out of the bar and rushed to catch up to him. However, when I got to the place, no one was there. I thought that I might have confused him with someone else but then I saw him! He was walking out of a supermarket with a cart full of goods."

Matsuda paused, obviously still not believing his own luck.

"So? What happened next?" I prompted.

"Oh. Not much, really. I ran to him and told him about the wedding. He accepted my invitation and to my surprise he did show up, even though I was afraid he wouldn't because he didn't seem too eager to come."

"And... didn't you ask him about anything else?" I barely suppressed a sad sigh.

"I did! I asked him if he was working and where he was living and if he was planning to invite me to his wedding soon, but he kind of changed the topic in such a way that I didn't even realize he never answered my questions."

"Oh... That's a pity."

"You bet," he sighed.

We talked for about a minute more and then Matsuda's wife got tired of waiting for him outside, calling him on the phone and asking if he was even going to leave the exhibition. Laughing awkwardly, Matsuda started bidding his goodbye, once again complimenting my works and wishing me inspiration.

A few days later other guests from the past came, all together: Nishizono, Tomoe, Kagoshima and three other guys whose names I couldn't remember. Nobu wasn't with them, but I was told that Nobu had already visited my show twice and it was him who'd told everyone about it. The fact that me and the old man hadn't run into each other disappointed me. Nobu was the one person whose opinion I genuinely wanted to hear.

Strangely enough, the paintings impressed even those ex-members of the family who had little to do with art. They seemed to have immediately understood what exactly I'd tried to convey on the canvases, and almost all of them examined each painting for a long time, frowning while lost in thoughts. Perhaps they saw blood in red splatters, and losses in gray smudges. When they were leaving, they had to bore pain of the impression that my works left.

It felt uncomfortable to be around them, to talk to them about past, standing in the middle of its shards which I'd poignantly pulled out of myself, hurting my fingers and thoughts in the process. Even though our first meeting after a long time was uncomfortable and not very pleasant, it wasn't as scary as I'd imagined it to be.

The stress that I'd been feeling all the time was weakening gradually. It felt like I was gathering last of my strength in effort to pull out a giant rubber band that was imbedded in the damned walls of my past, and had to either tear them up by the roots, or to break the leash that I was holding - an action that was certain to smash me due to the force of the impossible tension I myself had built up.

I didn't really know why I was so persistent in visiting the gallery. Perhaps I did it out of hopes to finally overcome my fears and conquer my own past. But then, after a couple days of my vigilant supervision, among the visitors I saw the one whom I'd been waiting for and thinking of for almost two years now.

"Raito!" I raised my hand before I could stop myself. Indeed, it was him. That much became clear just by looking at his posture that made him stand out among the others. I couldn't possibly have mistaken him with someone else. Meanwhile he turned away from the painting he was looking at, and started skimming through people in search of me. When our eyes finally met, I broke in a genuine smile. For the first time that day, for the first time in years.

I still had my hand hovered mid-air, but put it down in embarrassment when I noticed that people were staring at me in wonder. But it did not matter now – Raito was on his way to me. He was coming through the crowd and I wasn't a bit surprised to see that people around him parted to let him pass. He stopped two steps away from me, looking tired and matured, but still remaining the same Raito I remembered. I was looking at him, unable to erase the stupid smile, afraid to do something silly, such as starting to cry. Raito was examining me with his eyes which bore an alarmed and a bit confused expression.

"Hi." He said almost questioningly.

"Hi..." I replied and fell silent. I wanted say something like 'I was waiting for you' and 'What have you been doing all this time?', but even in my thoughts it sounded like I was being offended and demanding. But the truth was, right now I could only feel the joy of meeting, so I didn't say anything.

"What the hell," he suddenly muttered and fixed the bag he had on his shoulder before taking my wrists into his warm fingers, feeling them gently. "Are you being starved? You've become even more thinner and there I thought it was impossible."

A laugh left my lips unwillingly and I clasped my own fingers around his hands, as though I wanted to keep him from going. But Raito didn't even try to pull away, obediently remaining in place as if I indeed was able to prevent him from moving.

From somewhere on the side flickered a flash of a camera, and, wincing, I unclenched my hands. Raito whipped his head to the direction from which the flash had come, giving the reporter a look as if he was about to kill the man then and there.

"Let him be. Do you want some coffee? There's a cafe nearby," I grabbed his sleeve but released almost immediately. I suddenly noticed that Raito's bag looked like the one he'd been used to carry when he'd been leaving home for long. "Did you just arrive? Where are you staying at? Would you mind dropping at my place? Just for a visit?"

I understood that my questions were spilling at him in a rapid torrent but I just couldn't stop myself. For a moment he looked at me pensively but then he smiled and said:

"Sure."

* * *

On our way to my house, I didn't know how to start a conversation and if it was proper to ask him all of the questions that were dancing at the tip of my tongue. But thankfully he was the first one to begin talking.

"I saw your photo in a newspaper," he said and fumbled in the breast pocket of his shirt before pulling out a clipping that was folded several times. It was pretty wrinkled and had a few harsh lines on it, as though it had been often folded and unfolded. It didn't mean anything but my heart sank nonetheless. Especially when Raito took the paper back and carefully put it in his pocket again.

"I never thought I'd meet you there," he admitted, glancing at me and smiling. "I don't really know how all these exhibitions work and I thought that the artist's only present at the opening. But of course, I hoped to see you. Didn't expect but hoped. I just... wanted to make sure that you are doing fine. But from what I see right now, you don't seem to be coping very well."

Raito frowned and I suddenly felt a belated horror, realizing that he could have come and disappear without a trace, just like Nobu. And I wouldn't even know that he'd visited my show. I desperately wanted to reach out and squeeze Raito's hand in my fingers again, but right now, when we were alone, it would have looked too weird.

I parked the car in its parking place just before the house and together with Raito we walked to the front doors where he stopped and looked at the facade uncertainly.

"You live with your parents, right? How are they?" he asked. "Your father must have gotten awfully angry with me for leaving both you and the family."

"Yes, father was pretty mad at you. But he's not at home right now," I smiled sadly and opened the door, walking inside. "Come in. I'll go to the kitchen and make us some coffee."

I expected that he would take his time walking around the house and getting re-acquainted with it but soon enough I heard his footsteps on the kitchen floor. I turned and smiled yet again, taking empty cups out of a cupboard.

"What about your mother?" Raito asked, taking a seat at the table while watching me. "I figured she'd be here but it seems the house is empty."

"My parents got divorced," I told him quietly. "Mother doesn't live here anymore. Father's gone hiking with Mikami. They are crazy about all the fishing, rafting and other stuff like that. I don't really know what they are doing during their trips."

Suddenly hesitant, I took an empty cup and started fiddling with it until it slipped out of my palms and I barely caught it. Blushing, I put the cup back on the table, inwardly scolding myself for being clumsy.

"Mikami? He's here? Does he live with you?" Raito's shoulders tensed up. I smiled.

"No. He rents an apartment a few blocks away from here. Says he works in a kindergarten," I said, pouring coffee in the cups and placing one in front of Raito.

"Is that so?" he wondered, but I could notice him relaxing slightly. "How come Akio-san and Mikami became friends?"

"Who knows. But they are buddies now. My guess is that father was glad to finally find a company for his trips. I mean, I've never been a hiking-fishing type of person," I smiled crookedly.

Raito nodded but didn't utter a word. I watched as he carefully brought the cup to his lips. And suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the familiarity of his gesture. Those little things about him were the reason I was so drawn: I loved how he drank his coffee, how he sat, how he smiled and frowned while talking.

"Stay," I asked before I could stop myself. "I mean for the night. Or for a few days. As long as you want. We've got four empty bedrooms."

_Forever, forever, don't leave me alone again. Please. _I dropped my gaze and buried my nose into the cup, burning my lips with boiling liquid so as to not let them utter the thoughts.

"I've already booked a room in a hotel, and I'm here on a business trip," Raito hesitated.

"A business trip?" I echoed.

"Yes. You see, I started my own business. Nothing too great, just a net of coffee shops. I came to Osaka to examine locations for branches."

"Oh... But you can still stay here," I muttered, not daring to raise my eyes and look at him. "I mean you don't need to pay for a room, and my father's always busy with something so he rarely sits at home, plus he'd really love to talk to you. And I'm always stuck in my studio, painting, so you won't even notice that someone lives here," I was jabbering. And the more words I said, the less faith in the likelihood that Raito would stay became. He was only frowning as his expression grew darker.

"So you too get the feeling the house is empty?" he asked. And I realized how my words must have sounded to him. As if I was dying of loneliness or built up such a facade in order to keep him. Damn.

"No, I'm busy with paintings, and exhibition consumes most of my energy. And on the whole, it takes half of a day for me to get dressed and cook a breakfast, so there's no time to feel lonely..."

Raito looked at me with the eyes that literally had 'So you _are_ living all alone' written in them in capital letters. I wanted to hide my face in my hands and shake my head in denial. I didn't mean for him to get such an impression!

"You know, if you deem it too improper to stay, then it's okay. Come for a visit if you ever so happen to be around," I muttered resentfully. And my offense was mostly due to lack of understanding rather than for Raito's unwillingness to stay. But of course, Raito interpreted it his way.

"I get it. I'm staying," he said. He then rose from his seat to put an empty cup into a kitchen sink. I watched as he then walked to me and patted me on the head. Unlike with everyone else, I didn't get annoyed at such a patronizing gesture from him. After all, he'd always done so... I looked up at him from under his hand and felt as his fingers stopped ruffling my hair. They froze as if Raito was unable to take them away, and there was a mixture of such conflicting emotions in his eyes that for a moment I got paralyzed with uncertainty. Then I closed my eyes, just letting his touch linger, and stopped thinking of Raito's reasons to stay. Misunderstanding or not, I did not care.

* * *

From the early morning of the next day, my house got filled with hysterical phone trills. Raito frowned and came out of his bedroom, sending glares at the phone. I couldn't say we'd talked a lot the day before, but somehow we'd managed to stay up well past midnight, and that resulted in both of us not getting a decent night rest. His stay felt so natural, as if he had always lived in my house, as if there were no two years of separation, as if it was just yesterday when he'd left. Perhaps it was just my constant thoughts of him that gave me such an impression...

I was drinking a second cup of coffee while sending apologetic smiles Raito's way after each call.

"Who keeps calling?" he snapped when he walked out of the shower and saw that the situation didn't change and I was still talking on the phone. I hadn't got time to dress and was sporting my pajamas, looking utterly ridiculous.

"It's about the exhibition," I sighed, looking at him. My heart fluttered at the familiarity of the sight. Raito's hair was still dripping wet, he was barefoot, wore simple sweat pants and a t-shirt. Forcing my eyes away from him, I continued: "Reporters keep asking for my interview and commentaries, submit what they wrote for approval, edit it and submit again, ask to place the exposure at another gallery, offer me to sell paintings and so on. Those who are not satisfied with my answer, consider that on second or third call I might change my mind."

"You want me to make breakfast?" Raito asked, heading into the kitchen without waiting for my reply. I could tell that he was getting nervous and a little uncomfortable with me constantly talking on the phone.

"It would be nice..." I smiled but got interrupted by another trill. Sighing, I picked up the phone. Raito gave squinted eyes to the receiver and I got the feeling that he wanted to smash it against the wall. Hurriedly, I walked out of the kitchen before it became too late.

Breakfast was spent in an almost blissful silence. I ignored two of the calls and only having finished an omelette and thanking Raito for cooking it, rushed off to answer the third one.

"Are you going to the exhibition today?" he asked me when I found him in the hallway in front of a mirror, dressed and ready to leave.

"No. I won't go there anymore. Already spent two weeks walking back and forth the aisles," I smiled, watching as he combed his hair.

"Really? Why?"

"I thought that maybe someone I know would drop by. But everyone's already visited the show, so I've got no one to wait for anymore," I finished quietly. Raito halted for a second. I half-hoped that he understood the meaning behind my words.

"I see. Well, I'm going to visit a couple of places to talk with the proprietors, and then I'll come back. It will probably take me a few hours. Do you need something to buy?"

"I'll be staying at home, you still remember the way here, right? I don't really need anything, but it would be nice if you could get me some treat. And eggs. We lack of eggs," I said, watching as he put on his shoes. Raito then straightened his back and looked at me, smiling. For a moment I was overtaken by a wild thought that Raito was a good husband and I was his sweet wifey, who was seeing him off to work and waiting for a kiss on the cheek to wish him a good day.

Once again the phone rang, breaking the stupid vision and I scurried into the room, blushing and flinging a common "Have a nice day."

* * *

Raito was absent for almost a whole day. I went back into my room to sit in front of the easel, trying to concentrate my attention on the canvas I'd been working at for two days. I wasn't much successful though, thanks to the constant phone calls that kept meddling with my thoughts. But the vexing buzzing of the phone wasn't the only reason I couldn't get myself to work. My mind kept drifting towards Raito. Now that he was away and I was left to myself again, I started doubting he'd ever come. Somehow, I got paranoid, thinking that I might had had some kind of wicked hallucinations. Because it was easier to believe that I was going crazy rather than that Raito was in my life again. Just to prove to myself that I was going nuts, I crept into his bedroom and checked if there still was his bag. And to my joy, I found it sitting on a chair, waiting for its owner to come back.

"He's here..." I whispered, touching the soft leather surface of the bag. An uncertain smile tugged at the corners of my lips. Right now I didn't want to think of whatever there was to come next. All I knew was that I didn't want to let him go anymore.

When Raito came back a few hours later, I greeted him with a nod, not tearing away from the telephone receiver.

"No," I forced out politely, "I'm not going to sell them yet. Right, neither one of them. No, I won't change my mind. Double, triple, even if you raise your bet ten times, it won't be of any difference. My answer is no."

I closed my eyes, massaging my temples in effort to shoo the headache away.

"You've got everything right, that was my final answer. I informed you about that yesterday, and believe me, my answer won't change tomorrow."

I didn't even notice how Raito walked up to me. But the next moment the receiver was snatched out of my hands and I looked at him, confused, while he put it to his ear and said in an absolutely calm voice:

"Hello. This is PR manager of mister Lawliet speaking. While your persistence can be found admirable, I ought to have you known that such incessant calls can only be perceived as an intrusion of privacy. I would also like to inform you that all of the calls you've made so far have been recorded. If you press on with this pattern, we would have no other choice but to take the matter to court, charging you with the invasion of personal privacy. Thank you for understanding. Good day."

With these words he sent the phone flying. It crashed against a wall and a moment later the remains of the handset landed on the floor, laying in useless pieces of plastic and cords. Slowly, I turned my head to look at Raito who was wearing a frown and still looked rather angry.

"Thanks," I said and, unexpectedly to myself, laughed. "I've been dreaming about doing that! Sometimes enough is enough. I wish I really had a manager who would do such things from time to time."

"You really seem to need one," Raito said, cracking a smile. "And sorry for breaking the phone. I didn't mean to do it."

"That's okay," I smiled, but my smile faded when he crouched to pick up the pieces. Now that was strange. My boss (even if he'd ceased to be one) shouldn't have been cleaning my house. "You don't have to do this. Maid does all the cleaning."

"I still feel responsible to do this," he said and straightened, holding plastic shreds in his hands. "So? Did you spend whole day hanging on the telephone?"

He started to the kitchen and I followed, as if there was some kind of a chain that connected us together.

"Not really. I was even able to paint a little, but the calls caused much of distraction. How about your day?"

"Mm... nice," he cut off. I felt that he didn't want to talk about his affairs, so I decided not to press on the matter and simply smiled at him.

"Well... considering that I'm now guaranteed a couple of free hours, I'll probably go and finish with the background."

He hummed in approval, and I hesitated before adding:

"Do you want to watch?"

My question wasn't all that sudden. Back when I had been apprenticing to him, I'd been used to fill my spare hours with making drafts and doodling in a notebook. Raito would quite often sit beside me, reading a book or watching my pencil that would leave chaotic slate lines, forming faces and stories on paper. He'd always said that it was pure magic. I'd been content with him watching me, even though sometimes it'd felt like his attention hadn't been focused just on paper in my hands. First I'd sense his gaze on my fingers, then he would skim his eyes to my shoulders and finally to my neck. At those moments I'd feel as tiny hairs on my skin stood on end, and I hadn't been able to focus on painting anymore, too tensed up, anticipating for something. But it had been then that he'd walk out of the room, leaving me alone...

I led him into my studio, belatedly noticing its dirty and unkempt state. It smelled of paint and solvent, there were tubes and stain-covered flasks on all of the horizontal surfaces while finished paintings were lining the perimeter of the room, leaning against walls. Raito's interest seemed to have flared up when he looked at them, for he started walking along the walls, studying the canvases. I noticed that he got particularly interested in one which depicted a crow that was cleaning its feathers while being perched on a cupboard above a row of empty white beds that resembled tombstones.

"You might get bored of watching me," I told Raito, bringing a new chair into the room so he could sit down. "It's usually a rather tedious and long process."

"Am I allowed to talk to you, or will it distract you from painting?" he smiled, taking the chair out of my hands and placing it beside my easel.

"Of course you can talk..." I said and raised my eyes to look at him. The expression they had caught me completely off guard. He was looking at me with sorrow and tenderness that I'd previously seen in his eyes just once – when he'd been leaving me. A cold chill ran up my spine. He wasn't going to leave me _now_, was he?..

I shifted gaze on the canvas in front of me, suddenly feeling distraught with the whole situation. Yes, he came back but it was nothing more than a coincidence which had let me meet him. He'd decided to stay just because he pitied me. And he had to go back to live his life some time soon... Frowning, I took a brush and fixed my attention on the unfinished work before me. After all I already knew that my time with him had finished long ago. So why not enjoy these last moments I'd gotten?

Though after some time I all but forgot about Raito's presence. That was the reason I loved painting so much – it made the real world flake out, drowning it in something that was hidden deep within my soul and could only be let out through colors and shapes.

"You haven't changed."

I flinched, barely keeping my hand from jerking. I glanced at Raito before turning back to the canvas.

"You don't look a bit older," he continued in a low voice. "but the dark circles under your eyes seem to have become even bigger. And your cheeks... I remember there was an almost childish roundness to them, but now they look sunken. Could it be that you are sick with something?.. Or are you just tired?"

"Neither," I said quietly. "But thanks for letting me know how awful I look."

"You are beautiful," he remarked casually. I almost dropped the brush, certain that my face turned bright pink.

"Thanks..." I muttered, not daring to look at him. "You're kind of distracting me..."

"I'm sorry," Raito said and I could discern notes of mirth in his voice.

He watched me for a little more than an hour, and then quietly walked out of the studio room. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Brain clicked, starting to muse over Raito's unexpected compliment, chewing over it again and again, dissecting it to pieces and analyzing all of the possible reasons for him to have said that. I probably was truly going insane because such a thorough analysis surely wasn't a healthy thing to do.

"Want some tea?" I heard him shouting from somewhere. I was so caught up in the whirl of my thoughts that I almost forgot to answer him.

"Uh... Yes, thank you."

Soon he came into the studio again, holding a tray in his hands.

"Here you go," Raito said, putting the tray on a small table which was the only thing in the room that looked relatively clean. "Have you even eaten today?"

"Yeah... I think so," I replied absentmindedly, taking a cup from his hands.

"Careful, it's hot," Raito warned me but I paid no heed to his words. Bringing the cup to my lips, I greedily took the first sip and gasped in pain. It burned.

"I warned you," he sighed. "Lawliet, look over here. Remember you asked me to buy you some goodies?"

I finally torn my eyes away from the easel to look at the tray he brought. There was a whole assortment of shortcakes on a plate. The sight made me tremble with joy and I even forgot to thank Raito, snatching the plate and starting to munch at sweets, swallowing hastily.

"Do you always forget to eat when you work?" he asked, frowning. I made a vague gesture, too busy with chewing at the delicious treats. I cleaned the plate in a matter of minutes and looked back at the easel, feeling full and strangely content.

"That's enough for today," Raito said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You have to take a rest. And this room must get aired out. You've been breathing in all these solvent miasmas for too long, no wonder you get headaches."

I briefly wondered how he'd learned about the headache, I hadn't told him about it, had I? Lost in thoughts, I took the brush again and just when I was about to start painting again, his grasp on my shoulder tightened.

"Lawliet. Enough."

I grumbled, feeling irritated. Now I couldn't even work? But as I jerked my head up to give him an indignant look, the pain in my head sparkled with white flashes. I screwed my eyes shut, pressing my hand to the forehead.

"You're probably right. My head's been splitting recently."

Raito helped me up and even escorted me to my bedroom. It felt weird, I wasn't that helpless but for some reason I couldn't forbid him from taking care of me. It would have sounded stupid and ungrateful if I'd said something like 'I can walk on my own'. So I let him take me to my bedroom and promised him to lay still for at least an hour. He walked away and for some time I listened to him rattling with something first in my studio and then in the kitchen. Despite the intensifying pain, I smiled. It felt as if I finally got home after a long, long journey...


End file.
